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“Tell me about the gold list,” she said.
I thought of Noah—his amber eyes shining in the sun yesterday, his strawberry-blonde hair fluttering in the breeze. His sculpted lips, that smooth nose… “The stuff I wrote in gold is everything I want… myself to be.” I said, my eyebrows coming together. “I didn’t mean to say that, it was a slip of the tongue.”
Dr. Silk nodded knowingly, but didn’t say anything.
“Never mind, that doesn’t make sense.”
“Brains are weird. They don’t have to make sense,” Dr. Silk encouraged. “I think you’re on to something. Tell me about the blue list.”
“It’s… it’s everything I want in a complement,” I said, thinking of Sam. Thinking of his spontaneous, zero-fucks attitude. His confidence. His spontaneity.
How I ruined things.
Nightcall, that night.
I looked up at Dr. Silk, then, everything clicked. “It’s everything I want to be too, only it’s…”
She was quiet as she waited for me to find the words.
“It’s everything I can’t be. It’s everything I wish I could be.”
And I did. I wished I could be like Sam. Maybe that’s why I was so drawn to him.
“Tell me how that’s different from the gold list,” Dr. Silk said.
“Well, the gold list is… it’s things I know. Things I know how to do, and be, and feel, aside from the handsome and tall part. The blue list is things I don’t know, but that I want. Like the charming thing. The spontaneity thing. The surprises. The unknown.”
Dr. Silk smiled proudly as she watched me work through my issues. “You’re going to put me out of a job, Grace.”
“I hope not, I need you,” I said happily.
And just like that, I felt a whole lot lighter.
The rest of the session passed quickly, and I managed to avoid telling her about the guys.
All three of them.
By the end of the session, we circled back on the uncontrolled impulses that I’d heard around the time my mother died.
“Do you still get those?” she asked.
“Not anymore,” I admitted. “Though, sometimes, stuff will fly into my head. Words, plays on words, puns. It used to pour in there uncontrollably, but it’s gotten better over time.”
Her silvery eyes shone with curiosity. “Are you taking the Xanax?”
I shook my head. “I haven’t felt the need to take it since—”
Since I met Sam. And Ink-Grayson. And Noah.
“Since our last session.”
Dr. Silk’s eyebrow twitched. “Well, that’s very curious. I’m happy for you, don’t get me wrong, but surely you’ll understand that I’m a bit confused as to why you’ve taken such a sudden upswing.”
“Maybe I met someone I’m excited about,” I said with a smile.
She smiled too, and her slightly crooked tooth shone in the light. “I look forward to hearing about them next time. But for now, just to make sure—you’re not hearing these words or impulses anymore? Because that’s a symptom of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.”
I shrugged. “No. I mean, now that I’m an adult, it’s never been bad. But recently it’s just… not there.”
