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“But I wasn’t!” I snap. “I wasn’t,” I say, softer, not wanting to take my anger out on him. “I let them down…let both of them down. East should hate me.”
“No. He shouldn’t.” Dusty grabs my face, turns my head so I’m looking at him. “You were a seventeen-year-old who carried the responsibility of an adult since you were an eight-year-old child. Ella had an accident. She drowned, and that was no one’s fault. Jesus. I can’t believe you’ve been holding this in for so long.”
He wraps his arms around me and pulls me close. I cry into Dusty’s shoulder, cling to him, silently tell East I’m sorry, tell Ella I’m sorry, and while I don’t have it in me to forgive myself yet, letting it out, sharing it with Dusty does ease some of the burden.
He holds me until my tears dry up, until I can form words again. We’re quiet as we finish our meal, then follow the trail that’s much more hidden and filled with brush to the other smaller falls.
My pain digs itself deep inside me again, hiding in the dark corners, until I can almost pretend it’s not there.
I smile when I take in the beauty around me. Yes, Ella would have loved it here. I love this part of the UP, and every time Dusty and I will come back to visit, I vow we’ll continue exploring all these places together.
*
I get bored while Dusty is at work. Sometimes I go with him, mess around the shop, give him and East shit. I’ll still pop online and do some work here, or take my laptop to the shop and do it there.
I’ve done things like our grocery shopping or running errands for Dusty while he’s at work, but without being at my dad’s daily, there’s not a whole lot for me to do.
I’m at Dusty’s now. I stayed in bed this morning when he left. Then I had lunch with his mom, and now I’m back here, fucking around, when my cell rings. I can’t help but smile when I see Spencer’s name light up. I miss my friend in ways I didn’t realize I would before leaving Santa Monica. Being here has allowed me to open up and learn to let myself miss someone.
“Hey, you,” I say.
“Hey back at you. Just thought I’d check in. How are things going?”
I plop down onto Dusty’s couch, then rub a hand over my face. “Fuck, man. I don’t even know where to start. I’m, um…with someone else now. I broke up with Rob. It’s Dusty, my childhood best friend.”
“Wow… That’s a big change. He’s good to you?”
I think about all the ways Dusty is good to me—the way he makes me feel and how he loves me. How he touches me and puts me first, and if he needed to, would fight the whole fucking world for me. “Yeah, Spencer. He’s great to me. Probably better than I deserve, considering I left here ten years ago and didn’t talk to him again until now.”
The line is quiet, and it takes me a moment to realize what I said, that I gave Spencer those pieces of my past without realizing what I was doing.
“Why?” he finally asks, and I feel something shifting in my chest. Like some of those dark clouds that live there are parting and want to start disappearing for good.
This is where I would normally tell him nothing, where I’d change the subject and keep myself locked down, but I’m so fucking tired of that. Spencer deserves better, and I deserve better too.
Before I can talk myself out of it, before I let myself think about it all, I speak. Everything begins to fall from my mouth—Dusty, Rhett, what happened before I left. How I grew up, Dad, Mom, Ella. Things with my dad now, and with Rhett and East. It’s like once I start, I can’t stop, the clouds parting more, the heavy cloak I’ve worn for as long as I can remember getting lighter and lighter.
Spencer must have things to do today, but he doesn’t rush me, doesn’t push me, just listens. When I finish, he says, “Shit, man. I’m sorry you felt like you had to carry all that on your own. I would have helped bear the load. Thank you for telling me now.”
I’m not surprised by his answer. I never thought Spencer would be anything other than supportive. “It was me. Nothing you did. I had some demons to battle. Hell, I still do, but I’m working on it. Being with Dusty makes me want to be better. Seeing East struggle, Rhett too, those things make me want to be better as well.”
“You’re a better man than you realize. Cut yourself some slack. You’ve been through a lot. And I’m always here for you. Sounds like you have a good man too, but don’t carry all this on your own anymore.”
“I won’t.” I smile, knowing how lucky I am to have the people in my life that I do. “You’re going to love him. I can’t wait for the two of you to meet when we get home.”
“I can’t wait to meet him,” Spencer replies.
“He’s got me doing more shit other than work.” I chuckle. “It’s been fun exploring the places we used to go as kids. It’s fucking gorgeous out here, Spence. You would love it. We’ve been hiking, visiting waterfalls, and to some of the many summertime festivals in the area. Just enjoying what the UP has to offer. The pace is so different from Santa Monica. You have more time to breathe.”
“Corbin and I love hiking. We’ll have to go visit the area sometime.”
“For sure. You can plan a trip when Dust and I come home one time. It’s been good getting to know East too. He’s got this dog…she’s a mess of a thing, and the biggest goofball you’ll ever meet.”
He listens again while I ramble about life in the UP. It’s such a change of pace for us because usually he’s the one talking and I’m the one listening.
“You sound good, Morgan. Happy. Happier than I’ve ever heard you. It makes me see how much you’ve been suffering over the years.”
He’s right. I have been suffering, and I am happy. Jesus, have I ever been truly happy before in my whole life? I don’t think I have, but I feel it now. Things aren’t perfect, of course, but they’re pretty fucking good.
