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I just drive, no destination in mind, until I see the cemetery in the distance. My chest immediately gets heavier from the weight of the past, but still, I find myself driving that direction, then pulling in. It’s been over ten years since I’ve been to see Mom and Ella. Even after all this time, it’s weird to think of them being gone, of them being here.
I park the car and get out. Despite the time that’s passed, I know exactly where I’m going. We have a whole plot for the Swifts, a place where each of us is supposed to go one day.
The grounds are flat and green, with trees in the distance. The cemetery is well maintained, lush with flowers and manicured graves. Our plot is on the far right-hand side, two currently in use. Mom and Ella.
“Hey…it’s been a while.” I sit down in front of them. “I was gone for a long time, but now I’m back for good. Dusty and I are…well, we’re together. That might come as a surprise to you, Ella. You were too young to think about things like that. But though I wasn’t out while you were alive, Mom, somehow, I think you knew about me, and you’ll expect me to be with Dust.” The thought brings me comfort, easing burned edges of my past I didn’t know were there. “It took too damn long, but that was my fault.” I chuckle, knowing Mom isn’t surprised about that either.
“Other than that, things are a bit of a mess. Rhett and I don’t have a relationship. He doesn’t have one with East either. I’m trying with East, and I know I should try harder with Rhett too. I don’t know why it’s so difficult for me when it comes to him.” I look at Mom’s headstone. “You used to tell me to cut him some slack. I remember that. You said Rhett feels things deeper than he knows how to show, so deep that he doesn’t know how to deal with them. I don’t see that the same way you did, but I’ll try. I know you want more for us.”
I turn my attention to Ella’s headstone next…our little sister. Mom’s dream baby girl. Easton’s other half. That day affected us all, but I know it’s a drop in the bucket compared to what it’s done to East. “East misses you so much. We all do, but it’s different for him. I think he needs you, El. I don’t know what I believe happens to us when we die, but if you’re out there somewhere, maybe check in on him… I’m sure if you can be, you’re with him all the time. Just nudge him some.” For the second time, a small chuckle falls from my lips. It’s not something I ever thought I would be able to do while sitting at the place where Mom and Ella are buried.
“I’m sorry, El…about that day.” My vision blurs with unshed tears. “I should have been a better brother. I should have been there for you. I’m so damn sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me. I can’t ever forgive myself for it, but I promise to do better now. It’s too late for you, but I’ll be there for East…for both our brothers.” It’s important, isn’t it? We’re all each other has, and somehow, we have to find a way to work together.
Something catches my attention in my periphery. I turn and see an orange-and-black butterfly fluttering around. I don’t move, don’t breathe as it gets closer…and lands on my hand.
A butterfly.
For Ella.
She’d always loved butterflies.
I swear we make eye contact, the insect looking at me, telling me it’s okay, that she forgives me, that she wants me to move on.
A second later, the butterfly lifts off my hand and flies away.
The tears start again, but they’re different this time, cleansing, releasing some of the weight that has always been on my back.
“Thank you,” I tell my little sister.
I miss them. Fuck, I miss them both so much that I ache with it. I want Ella to have all the things Mom wished for her. I want to see the little girl she loved so much grow up. She would have been like Mom, would have been able to bring us together. I don’t know how I know that, but I do.
That’s not the hand life dealt us, though, and neither of them would want us to be miserable forever. They wouldn’t want us to linger in the past. They would want us to be happy.
“I’m working on it,” I say, as if they can hear the thoughts going through my head. Maybe they can. “I need to find my place here again, outside of Dusty. I haven’t done that yet, but I will. If you think of anything, let me know.”
I sit there with them for another hour or so, just telling them about my life over the past ten years. I avoid the subject of Dad. I don’t know how to cross the bridge with them, and I want my time spent talking to my mom and sister to be filled with the people who deserve it. It’s a struggle for me to admit it sometimes, but Rhett is one of those people.
After pushing to my feet, I say, “I love you both. I’ll be back soon. Next time I’ll bring Dusty.”
I turn and walk away from their graves, a lightness filling me that I haven’t experienced in a long time, maybe never. It releases tension, making me feel featherlight.
I take a different route on the drive home, just for a change of scenery. It’s not until I’m pulling back into town and see the older, wooden building on the left, that I think about the fact that this route takes me right by Davies.
Old Man Davies is outside with someone I don’t recognize, the other man pointing to something on the building. There’s no reason to turn into the parking lot, but I do anyway. They look over at me, Old Man Davies recognizing me when I get out of the car.
“Hey, Morgan. This is my realtor, Jeb. What brings you by today?” His gray hair is longer than he wore it when I was a child, reaching his shoulders. His face is full of wrinkles, his knuckles gnarled.
“Nice to meet you,” I tell the blond in a suit, before turning my attention to Davies. “Honestly, I’m not sure. I was coming back from the cemetery, saw the two of you out here, and decided to stop by. I can’t believe you’re selling.”
“It’s time. You’re welcome to come in with us.”
I nod and follow, Jeb talking to him about a few things that might make the sale hard.
“The bones are strong. She just needs to be prettied up a bit,” Jeb says, which makes both Old Man Davies and me chuckle.
“Archer and I thought that same thing about the bones.”
“What do you do?” Jeb asks.
