Page 169 of The Phoenix


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“Jeremy from New York, how can I help you?”

“Hey, Lizette. I used to listen to yur show all the time. Missed ya. Glad yur back.”

“Thank you. I’m a little nervous, Jeremy. It’s been a while.”

“You’ll do great. You got that joy-de-vi-vi thing goin’ for ya. Say, here’s my problem. I’m pretty sure my mother-in-law is a bloodsucker. I mean, she eats real food and goes out in the sunlight, but I know what I know.”

“Why do you suspect she’s a vampire?”

“She keeps eyeing my neck. Spooky-like. She snarls a lot, and I think she trolls bars for human donors.”

“Not a lot to go on. If you were an Aeternal, you could read her aura. I can’t. You can’t. Have you ever seen fangs?”

“She’s a little long in the tooth, but no fangs have punched out.”

“Are you afraid of her, Jeremy? If you are, let’s talk about it.”

“Nah. She’d never kill her meal ticket.” He laughed. “And I don’t mean the human blood-bank kind. I pay the rent, buy the groceries, and cover all family expenses. She’s gonna keep me healthy.”

Lizette signaled her assistant to look for a business card. “Here’s an idea. A new agency just opened. You can call for a consult and hire an Aeternal to read her aura, but remember, Jeremy, if your in-law is a vamp, your wife is, too. At least, partially.”

“That’s okay. I don’t mind her love bites. They’re sizzlin’ hot. Jalapeño hot.”

Lizette chuckled. “You’re a bad boy, Jeremy. Stay on the line and my assistant will get you that number.”

She tapped an earbud to get the next caller. “Hello, Connie from Witchita. How can I help?”

“I’d like some advice in the romance department.”

“I’ll try.”

“Every day I go to a local coffee shop before work. A guy is there, and the barista told me he’s an incubus, some kind of businessman. How do I get him to pay attention to me? I would love to go out with him.”

“The good news is, you don’t have to flirt much to attract an incubus. Chat. Ask him what kind of coffee he drinks. Some males are shy. Even his breed. Let him know you’re interested.” She lowered her voice. “Between us girls, Connie, walk by his table and wiggle your butt. Do you have long or short hair?”

“Long. About mid-back.”

“Toss it over your shoulder along with a sexy wink. He’ll be all over you. Just be certain he’s what you want.”

“I am s-o-o-o certain. Thanks, Lizette. And welcome back.”

“Sure thing. Hello, Lynn from Bozeman. How can I help you?”

“I don’t know if you can fix my problem, but I’m scared. Mostly at night. After the attack on Bozeman, I’m afraid to go to sleep.”

“I get it, Lynn. What happened in your city was terrible. What you’re feeling is normal. If you listened to me before, you know my three-part approach. Clarify the problem. Make a plan. Carry out the plan. So what exactly scares you? What do you think about into the wee hours of the morning?”

“I’m afraid the monsters will break into my house when I’m asleep.”

“That would be scary. Now for the plan. First, get an exam with your doctor. Maybe a physical problem like sleep apnea is keeping from a good night’s rest. Sleep deprivation contributes to night fears. Second, establish a regular routine before going to bed. Read. Take a bath. Meditate. Third, make your environment safe. Get an alarm system, check your doors and windows, consult with a home safety adviser. Fourth, know if there is a pattern and be aware of it. Do you have more problems after a stressful day, for example?”

“It seems worse if I watch the news before bed.”

“Then don’t do that. Fifth, no self-medicating. Booze and pills can make night fears worse. And sixth, learn that all Scath residents are not like those who attacked Bozeman. In your city, a support group of humans and Aeternals meets weekly. Getting to know what you fear can go a long way in getting rid of that fear. Stay on the line. My associate will give you the name and number of the counselor who organizes these mixed get-togethers. Implement the plan, Lynn, and call me back. I want to know how you’re doing.”

Lizette nodded at her assistant. “Hello, Norm from Cincinnati. How can I help?”

“Hi. There’s some fucking winged thing with claws sitting on an egg in my backyard. What the hell am I supposed to do?”

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