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Her shout was quieter in volume, but filled with the same anger. “Vander, I’m your mother. How d—.”
“Which I pay for. And I’ll be more than happy to pull the plug on that. And your shopping sprees and fine wine addiction.” A muscle in his jaw ticked as he waited a beat. “Do we have an understanding?”
Even Joyce’s razor-sharp gaze couldn’t stop the warmth spreading through m body. This soft, squishy feeling as I watched Vander defend me.
My eyes burned; he might be the first person who ever had.
18
Grace
“Idon’t know who I am anymore,” I confessed to Alessandra at my second official therapy session. “I’m not sure I ever knew myself.”
At Vander’s insistence, I started seeing her to talk about what I’d gone through. It was the only demand, other than having security, he’d made of me in our short month-long marriage.
Because Alessandra wasn’t licensed yet, we arranged these appointments in her home office in the same building where I lived. I could’ve chosen someone else, but confessing to a stranger made me queasy.
And there were things I shouldn’t say. Secrets I couldn’t tell. It would be hard for a stranger to give me advice when they didn’t know both my husbands ran crime syndicates.
“What do you mean?” There was no judgment in her gaze as she looked at me from her chair across the room.
I sat in an identical one. Since this space wasn’t set up for patients, there were comfortable barrel chairs that swiveled. I often pushed my toe onto the floor, moving the chair back and forth. I’d had to do it to stop the other habit.
More than once, I found myself pulling up my shirt sleeve. My fingers absentmindedly traced the healed cuts and burns on my skin. I’d never looked at them before. Never wanted to acknowledge what they were. How I got them.
But that was just one power he took from me. He made me disappear. Made me unable to look at myself in the mirror. Slowly, I was taking it back.
“I don’t remember my life apart from being Mitchell’s wife. Like the constant fear I lived in erased everything that came before. All I see is fear and pain when I look back. But there had to be more. I married him for some reason. And even before that… there has to be something.”
“It’s hard to see through that haze.” She smiled with the understanding of someone who’s been through this.
Maybe that was why I hadn’t chosen anyone else. She lived it, and she’d come out the other side. She’d found love and happiness. It gave me hope I could, too.
“What did you like to do before?”
My brows furrowed as I tried to think back. It was like watching home videos of someone else. I felt detached from the images, like they weren’t my own. But one pulled forward closer than the others.
I remember dancing. In a ballroom, the night of my engagement party. Mitchell didn’t dance, but many of his colleagues and friends had escorted me to the dance floor. I couldn’t picture who it was in my memories. All I had was a feeling. Happiness. Lightness. Wonder.
“I used to enjoy dancing,” I whispered. My forehead wrinkled as I tried to remember who it was. Or the song. But all that lingered in the haze was the overwhelming feelings.
“I have the best idea.” Alessandra’s excitement popped into the bubble of my recollection, and it scattered like flurries of snow, making you wonder if they were ever really there in the first place. “My friend Tessa owns a burlesque club. She does private lessons. You should try it.”
Anxiety chased away any of the happy feelings that lingered from the hazy memory. “What? No!”
I shook my head. She was crazy. I couldn’t get naked in front of people. The last man who’d seen me that way had kicked me out of his room.
That was unfair to Vander, since he’d also learned about his brother that night. I couldn’t help but feel that it was because he found me repulsive.
“Grace.” She leaned forward, placing a soft hand on my knee. “You need to find yourself again. To learn how to be confident. It’s private; no one but Tessa will see you. It could be very empowering.”
My teeth sank into my lower lip. When she framed it like that, it didn’t sound crazy. It piqued my interest. “I’ll think about it.”
She looked satisfied, tapping my leg before sitting straight again. My toe landed on the floor, pushing my chair back and forth. She raised a brow. It was my nervous tell. But she said nothing, just waited for me.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Always.”
