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Some people fight and others flight.
Me? I’m a flight risk.
Except this time, I don’t fly, I fall.
Fall right into the mud and grass, right onto my knees, onto my palms, and onto whatever the hell is left of my pride. The pain is almost enough to knock me out of my panic.
And then Ethan, the man who seems to be everywhere, is here too, and he’s lifting me up and carrying me into the house. I don’t fight him off but only because I can’t—I’m a ball of panic, curled up against his chest like a kitten in need of saving.
I hate that I need saving. But I do. I can’t breathe. I can’t think.
The panic attacks are getting worse.
He’s saying something about being sorry, something about not realizing I would have such a hard time with this. That he didn’t know I had panic attacks.
That he’s sorry.
He’s sorry.
So sorry.
Crack! The lighting wakes me up with a jolt, the room flashing bright and then going dark again. Even through the slants in the shutters, the lightning strikes are bright enough to wake me, but they’re not the most alarming part of this moment. What’s alarming is that I didn’t even realize I had fallen asleep. I sit up, squinting at my surroundings.
I’m not in the guest room.
I’m in Ethan’s bed.
And he’s staring at me from across the room, sitting at his computer desk, something playing on the screen, a pair of headphones resting around his neck. “You okay?”
“Were you watching me sleep?” I deflect his question with one of my own. Am I okay? That’s debatable. But also, do I look okay? I’m not okay. I’m anything but okay.
“Not really,” he says, “but after your panic attack I wasn’t going to leave you alone.”
Who is this man and what has he done with the Ethan I knew all summer?
I reach over to the bedside lamp and turn it on. At least he was right about not losing power, I don’t know what I’d do if that was gone too. I take a deep breath and the events from earlier start to filter back to me, piling on the trauma. After carrying me inside, after waiting for me to steady my breathing, he helped me get cleaned up and changed into fresh pajamas, and then he laid me in his bed where I promptly fell asleep.
“What time is it?” I croak.
“One in the morning. You’ve been asleep for a few hours.” He moves to the edge of the bed and I curl my feet in on myself. I can’t be too close to him. I don’t know what I’ll do. The man isn’t wearing a shirt and he’s got gray sweatpants slung low on his narrow hips. I already knew about his incredible swimmer’s body but right now I can’t help but stare at it. That’s only to distract myself. Distraction is good right now.
Boom! Another crack of lightning. Another deep rumble of thunder. It sends me scurrying into a tight ball. “I’m not afraid of thunderstorms,” I’m quick to point out, “but this isn’t a regular thunderstorm.”
And I’m right. Because the wind has picked up considerably. It’s as loud as a freight train and only getting louder by the second.
Ethan stands and I don’t know what he’s going to do. Go back to watching his computer? Check the window? Leave the room? But instead he tugs the blanket up and crawls into the bed with me. I’m frozen, I can’t move with him so close, but he doesn’t seem to mind. “Here, put these on.” He removes the headphones from around his neck and places them over my ears.
Right away I can hear what’s coming from the computer. I don’t know what it is but it’s much appreciated.
It’s the distraction I need.
He shows me how to turn up the sound on the side of the headphones and then I rearrange myself so it’s just my face peeking out of the blankets to watch the computer monitor. He tucks me against his shirtless body and I let him hold me. Only for tonight. Only because of these unusual circumstances. No way would I normally go for this.
Liar. . .
My body relaxes and we watch together, him not being able to hear a thing because of the raging hurricane and me focusing on the voices and music of the story playing out on the screen.
I’ve seen this film before. It’s the version of Romeo + Juliet from the 1990s starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes. It’s about the last thing I expected Ethan King to be watching to keep him occupied during a hurricane, but I don’t let myself think about that too much. Soon the tragic tale of young lovers takes me away, my body fully relaxes, and the tiredness from the day sweeps over me again.
