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“Price isn’t an issue”
“It’s the principle. Plus, he was a flat earther.”
“The guy with the beard?”
“Yes.”
“Do we care?”
“Conspiracy theories aside, do you really want to be married by a chipper hipster who looks like a clerk at Trader Joe’s? That’s not really on brand with your vibe.”
“Definitely not. You’re right. Keep him off the list. What about the officiant out of Brooklyn from Josette’s list?”
“No. He does clown gigs on the side. You know I suffer from coulrophobia.”
“Right. No side hustle clowns at the wedding. I’ll email Quinn for more suggestions. Maybe when you’re in New York you can hold a few interviews.”
Wonderful, more solo decision-making. “I need boots. Last time we were in the city my feet were freezing. Not to mention I’m leaving tomorrow morning and still have nothing packed. You know what that means.”
Sensing the opening to yet another Production of Rayne The Musical, Hale sighed.
I searched my music and cued up the Beastie Boys. Poor Hale hadn’t had control over his radio since his penis met my vagina. But he never complained.
As I belted out the lyrics of No Sleep ‘til Brooklyn, I noticed we weren’t taking the usual roads home. Hale made a slight turn and I stared at the unfamiliar surroundings.
“Where are we going?”
“I have a surprise for you.” He pulled into a little parking lot near a brick strip mall.
“This wasn’t on the wedding itinerary for the day.”
He shut off the car and grabbed my hand. “You mean this itinerary?”
Officiant 11 am
was scribbled on the back of my hand in black ink. I shrugged. “I didn’t want to forget.”
“You’ll like this.” He came around to my door and opened it.
“What is this place? Why the secrecy?”
“If I told you, it would have distracted you all throughout our last meeting. I wanted it to be a surprise.”
“Good surprise or bad surprise?”
I had flashbacks to my childhood when my mom would take me out for a fun day only to surprise me midway through with a trip to the doctor. I’d spend the rest of the day nursing a sore arm and sulking over a lollipop.
He frowned as if he’d never think to give me a bad surprise. “It’s a good one.”
“You could have told me. What is it? Are my clothes okay? Should I have brought anything?”
“This is exactly why I wanted it to be a surprise.”
I huffed. “You act like I have no self-control.”
He grinned as we walked hand in hand toward the back of a brick building. “In areas such as this, you don’t.”
Then I smelled it. “Oh, my God.”
