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I want to bask in the feeling I get when she opens her mouth again, and again, and again, until she shakes her head, her eyelids becoming heavy. My fingers tingle when I press my thumb against the corner of her lips to wipe crumbs away.
“Do you remember the last time you were here? In this exact position?”
She looks away, sober for a split second, before nodding with a heavy head.
“You took whatever you wanted out of me. You still do.”
“Did you hate it?”
Her eyes are back on me. I drop the spoon to the side, putting my hands on her thighs instead. We’re both dirty from the accident, the skirt of her silk dress completely ripped.
“No.”
“Did you love it?”
She shakes her head. “No.” Bringing a hand to my chest, she presses her fingers against the tattoos there. “I didn’t love it because I was terrified of how good you made me feel that night.”
I feel a smirk spreading on my lips. Kay hates those smirks, calls them devilish.
“I made you feel good when I fucked your beautiful cunt while you were bent over this very counter?”
Her eyes flutter shut, her hand fisting on my chest. “Yeah.”
“And I made you feel good when I took your tight ass in my bed?”
She shudders. “Yes.” Her eyes open again, but she stays focused on the ink on my body. “Why did you do it? Why did you make me come back one night every week?”
I pause, hesitating to tell her the truth. In the end, I don’t want to lie to her. I don’t need to. She’s not going anywhere.
“It was to my advantage to have someone from the Kings at my mercy, Kayla. Back then, I didn’t have the power to unite the North Shore, but I needed peace anyway. I could keep control of NSC because they worked for me. I needed to keep you scared to have a hold on the Kings. It was just…”
“Business,” she adds when I trail off.
“I know you can understand that. You would do anything for your business.”
She licks her lips, looking uncertain.
“I was scared,” she admits. “Every time I got a text from you saying to come over, I was fucking terrified.” She swallows roughly. “But you didn’t care. You knew you could keep me afraid and make it nice in the process, make me doubt everything I felt, so you did it.”
“Yes. I did.”
She throws her head back, both her hands slapping my chest once and staying there, and I suddenly feel the need to explain myself. She’s the only person who makes me feel that way, like I’ll feel better if she understands me.
“Control by chaos and manipulation is how I thrive. I don’t need to worry about not understanding what people feel when they’re unsure themselves. Make it hurt, but make it good. Don’t give them a choice, but give them a purpose. That’s the only way I can function.”
“How do you live like this?” Her voice is desperate, and I’m struggling to get it. She was fine, so why did she go into this conversation?
“It’s how I’m wired.” What is it she doesn’t understand? “I don’t feel remorse, Kay. I only live with the consequences of my actions. When those consequences fit my goals, then that’s good enough for me.”
“What about me?”
My eyebrows raise in surprise. I hate when that happens with her, when I can’t grasp the sentiment behind the tone of her voice or the expression on her face. I’m desperate to comprehend it. I just know I’m incapable. “I don’t get it.”
“Of course you don’t,” she snorts. “What am I, Nate? A consequence of your actions? Collateral damage? Revenge? Your way of functioning works for one. Do you truly not care how any of it impacts me?”
“You’ll adapt.”
“You keep saying that, but I’m not adapting.”
