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I run my tongue against my teeth, my hands going to my daughters’ shoulders.
Livie lets her head fall against my forearm, and Lia bounces on the spot. “Mommy likes pancakes. Right, Mommy? Pancakes. Yummy. Yummy pancakes.”
I take a deep breath, feeling like this is the decision of my life, and Nate looks at me expectantly too, like it was a trick question.
Do you want me? Do you not?
I swallow thickly. “A smiley face, my sun.”
A smirk appears on his face. The cat who got the cream is standing right in front of me in my kitchen.
“Good answer.”
43
KAYLA
die first - Nessa Barrett
We have some options, Mrs. White. Doing a diagnosis for autism spectrum disorder is one of them, but Livie might just be taking her time. Her hearing is good, and she can certainly express herself in other ways. Some children choose not to talk for a long time.
I can’t stop running those words in my head, over and over again. Three weeks after Nate officially moved into my house on the North Shore, he suggested taking Livie to a child psychiatrist. It’s the kind of doctor I could have never afforded before, but Nate said we don’t have to worry about that now, and he wants to make sure everything is okay with her. I had started whatever tests I could afford around the time she turned one. I already knew she had no life-threatening illness, no disability. That her hearing was fine too.
My daughter doesn’t want to talk, and we will accept her the way she is. We will take it one step at a time.
“Livie,” I say to her as I drive over the bridge that leads back to the North Shore. “Mommy promised you a popsicle if you were good, and you were so good with the doctor. Should we stop by the shop?”
She blinks at me and taps her knee once. I believe that’s a yes, then. She never really had a thing. Tapping her knee doesn’t specifically mean yes, but she does refer to that part of her body a lot. If it was a no, she would have just ignored me.
Nate stayed at home with Lia. I left him to deal with the tantrum of asking why Livie gets to spend alone time with me, and I promised her I would have ‘Lia time’ with her too.
I hold Livie’s hand as we walk into my local shop. She’s already dragging me to where she knows the freezer is, and that’s how I know I was right. I take her into my arms and hold her as she chooses the popsicle she wants.
“Should we get one for Lia?”
She leans over again and takes the exact same one. The yellow one that tastes like lemon.
“Are you sure?” I chuckle. “Is that the one Lia likes, or are you trying to get two for yourself?”
She drops it and goes for it again, grabbing the pink one this time. Strawberry.
“I think that’s more like it.” I get her the second one anyway because she’s been extra good. I can give it to her another day.
As I wait, a familiar voice calls my name, and when I notice Emma, a smile spreads on my face. Who knew I’d ever feel that way toward her.
“Hi, Li—” She stops herself, looking at my daughter in confusion.
“This one’s Livie,” I tell her.
“Hi, Livie!” she exclaims. It’s been weird being friendly with Emma.
She still works for Nate, which technically means she works for me, but we don’t talk about that. She’s at the house often, plays with my daughters, and we’ve bonded over many things in the last weeks.
“Are you alright?” I ask, looking at the tub of ice cream in one hand and the pack of beer in the other. I pay for my stuff and wait as the cashier rings hers.
She sighs. “Just another useless date that went to shit.”
“Shitty dates don’t usually get you down like that.”
