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No—it was when I found out about dad’s diagnosis. I felt so helpless, like there was nothing I could do, no way for me to solve anything. I was handcuffed by my own ineptitude, and it felt only right that I drown my problems.
Today, I feel the same.
I don’t know what I did, what I can do. I don’t know if I really fucked things up or if this is just how life works, but I feel so angry at my inability to do anything. It’s that same feeling of being shackled to something…my own incompetence, maybe.
I just stood there. I just stood there and let her go.
But she also chose to leave.
Both of those truths hurt me on a visceral level.
“You’re a fucking mess,” I hear from my left.
I turn my head to the side, my eyes falling on a pair of black sandals before I look up and find my sister hovering over me, her long hair hanging around her face like a curtain.
“Yup,” I reply, emphasizing the P before I break into laughter.
“What’s so funny?”
I shake my head, though I regret the movement immediately, the heat from the sun and the shift of my inner ear making my stomach roll.
And then I’m rotating onto my belly and heaving the entire contents of my stomach over the side of the dock, into the lake.
When I’m done, I let out a long sigh, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.
“Nothing is funny,” I finally say, rolling onto my back again and resting my head against the hard wood.
“Then why were you laughing?”
I shrug. “I’m drunk, Briar. I’m laughing so I’m not crying.”
She lets out a sigh then sinks down to sit next to me, resting her palms on the wood behind her and stretching her legs out in front of her.
“Ruby left?”
I don’t say anything in response, just continuing to stare up into the blue sky. I feel like every movie about heartbreak has rain on the day things fall apart. Why couldn’t Mother Nature have been on my side today?
“I’m assuming things didn’t end well?”
“No,” I reply, closing my eyes and throwing an arm over my face. “They didn’t.”
“Was it your fault or hers?”
I glare at my sister. “Does it look like I want to talk about this right now?” I say. “While I’m out here drowning my sorrows?”
“No, but when I’m upset and want to hide away, you always do your best to pull me out of it, little by little. I might not be doing a very good job, but I don’t have a lot of experience being on this side.”
I’m silent for a minute, mulling her words over.
“I don’t know what went wrong,” I tell her honestly. “But I know I let her go without a fight, and that’s my fault.”
“Should you have to fight for love?” she asks me. “Seems like a lot of work for someone you have to convince to love you.”
I wince, but I know I need to answer her question. I can’t let her go on believing you shouldn’t fight for someone you love.
“You’re right,” I say. “You should never have to convince someone to love you. The thing is…I know Ruby loves me. I know it. In my bones, I know it’s true, and I should have fought to prove that I love her, and that the hard things that come with a relationship are worth it.”
Briar watches me with furrowed brows, and I know I haven’t convinced her. I know it will take more than a few words from a drunk man to make her believe in love, especially in the wake of her own issues with her ex.
