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I just want her in my life again, however I can.
“Hey listen, I wanted to ask you a question.”
I glance at Rush but look back to where I’m shoving cones into a bag, eager to get the equipment lugged inside and wrap up for the day. It was another afternoon of dealing with Justin’s attitude. This time, I started with the jogs around the field early, not that it seemed to help. I sent him out six times, meaning he spent at least half of practice just running on his own. I doubt it’s going to help him or make any real difference, but I still haven’t figured out what to do.
Rush seems to be unconcerned with the way Justin acts, but I can see it leeching some of the joy out of the team and creating fissures between the players. Something needs to change. I just don’t know what.
“Shoot,” I say, swinging the bag of cones and gear over my shoulder.
“You and Gabriela.” He lifts a bucket of balls and another bag of gear, and we start walking toward his office. “What’s the deal?”
My stomach dips. “What do you mean?”
He chuckles. “Well, are you really just friends? Or is something else going on?”
Licking my lips, I shake my head, not really sure how to respond. There’s a voice inside me saying there’s still something there, still something between us, even after years apart. Sometimes, the way she looks at me reminds me of the way she looked at me back then, and it sends a warm feeling weaving its way through my veins.
Gabi doesn’t laugh often for most people, but for me? She always did. Seeing her laugh and getting back to the playful way we tease each other has been…I don’t even know how to describe it, but it makes me feel like that void that formed in my chest after we broke up is finally starting to fill back up.
But then there’s the way she tells me we’re friends, like she did last night at Cedar Cider. It was like she wanted to remind me that I need to keep up that boundary. It’s confusing and hard to explain, so I don’t really know how to answer Rush’s question. Ultimately, I just default to what’s easy.
“Yeah. We’re friends, I guess. Or, trying to be.”
“So if I told you I wanted to ask her out, you’d be cool with that?”
My throat tightens, and I know I don’t mask the surprise on my face at his question.
“You want to go out with Gabi,” I repeat.
He nods. “I mean…if you guys are just friends…yeah.”
Everything within me revolts at this idea, at the idea of my Gabi dating Sam Rush. It just feels…wrong.
“I just figured, you know…I know you guys have a history. And you and me, we’ve been friends for years, and I don’t want to fuck with that. But…she’s gorgeous. So if nothing’s going on between you two, I figured it couldn’t hurt to at least ask.”
But it does. It does hurt to have him ask, because it highlights to me the reality of what’s going on between me and Gabi.
Nothing.
She’s made it clear she just wants to be friends, right? Gabi deserves the world, a chance at every happiness any person could dream of, and Sam’s a good guy. Kind and friendly and all that. Loyal, for sure.
It’s just…I can’t help but feel like if she and Rush start dating, it officially closes the door on us. Maybe I didn’t realize until just this moment how much I want that door to still be open.
“I think I struck a nerve,” he says after I’ve been silent for too long. “No worries, man. If it’s a problem, I don’t need to—”
“No, no. Sorry,” I say, shaking my head and trying to push my own shit aside.
I don’t have any claim on Gabi. I don’t. Sometimes I think of her as my Gabi, but she belongs to herself. She’s an adult who can do what she wants. I need to be thankful we’re trying to be friends again and leave it at that.
Besides, after her reminder of the platonic nature of our relationship last night, it’s clear that whatever romantic possibility there is between us, it has been firmly shut down on her end. Or maybe the door has been replaced by a wall of glass. We can see each other, wave, smile…but a boundary is in place. I have to respect that.
“Look, if you…want to ask Gabi out…if you think you guys would be a good match, I mean…I don’t want to get in the way of that.”
He eyes me for a beat. “Seriously?”
I let out a sigh then give him a smile, trying to convince myself as much as him.
“Seriously. You have my blessing.”
