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“If you could talk to Caleb right now, what would you say? What would you want him to know?”
“I would tell him how important his friendship is to me and how much I value having him in my life. I’d explain that I panicked, and that’s why I bolted. I was afraid I’d ruined what was between us, and things would become awkward.” She sniffed. “Now they are. Awkward I mean.”
“I’m hearing a lot of self-blame in what you’re saying.”
“Yeah. Because it’s all my fault.” Don’t let David lay the blame for this on you, Theresa. He’s an adult, her lawyer had advised after David stormed out of her office. Had self-blame become a habit with her? Why wouldn’t it be? Hadn’t her father drilled shame and blame into all three of his children with his constant tirades? Everything that went wrong in her father’s life had been their fault. She’d grown up feeling unwanted, unloved, and sorry that she even existed.
“Right now, let’s talk about what might have caused your anxiety,” Jenna said. “If what the two of you experienced was consensual, and it was wonderful, what was it about that situation that caused you to panic?”
Theresa frowned. “Umm, the fear that we wouldn’t or couldn’t be just friends anymore?”
“Okay.” Jenna nodded slowly. “What do you believe are the necessary components of a healthy friendship, Theresa?”
“Beats me,” she muttered. “That’s why I brought the whole thing up.”
“Well, if you could design the perfect friendship, what characteristics would you want included?”
“Being able to let down my guard, to be completely myself with the other person would be important, and that goes both ways. Feeling safe, as in not fearing I’d be verbally attacked at any given moment would be way up there on the list. So, trust would be number one.” Theresa continued to frown, knowing full well she’d had that with Caleb. Once again, that sense of unworthiness swamped her. “I’m guessing good, honest communication would have to be a part of the equation.”
“Do you trust Caleb?”
“I do.” Yet, she’d bolted rather than talk to him. “Or I was beginning to, anyway.”
“But not enough to share your fears and concerns with him?”
Theresa bit her lip, confusion and uncertainty rendering her unsure how to answer. “She cleared her throat. “I guess not.”
“What happened when you told your ex-husband what you were truly feeling or thinking?”
“He never asked what I felt or thought about anything,” she rasped out. “I mostly gave him what I thought he wanted, and he controlled every aspect of our lives. I did whatever it took to keep the peace and protect a sense of security for myself and my sons.”
“Theresa, given the trauma you’ve lived with your entire life, is it possible you’ve created a false front to present to the world in order to protect yourself as best you can?”
“No doubt. I never trusted David enough to be completely myself with him, even less so with my own father.”
Damn, if she didn’t just have another one of those ah-ha moments. “The few times early on when I tried to tell David how I felt or what I needed from him, my efforts were met with criticism. Or worse, he’d mansplain why I shouldn’t feel the way I did.” She fidgeted with the strap of her purse.
Theresa shook her head and huffed out a breath. “He’d even try to convince me that I didn’t really feel what I felt. I stopped trying to communicate honestly with him pretty quickly in our relationship.”
“You deserve to have your feelings respected and acknowledged, even in conflict. We all do. Here’s an opportunity for you to be gentle and caring with yourself, Theresa. At a very young age, you were forced to cope and adapt to an impossible situation, first with your abusive father, and then with your abusive husband. Now you have a chance to discover who you are and what you want without that false front. Here you can learn how to be self-assertive in a positive way.”
“Scary,” she muttered.
“It is. Being completely honest and sharing one’s innermost self with others is frightening for everyone, no matter what their background might be. More so for someone who has survived an abusive environment. You’re beginning to recognize and to be confronted with the coping mechanisms you’ve used in the past. They’re not working for you anymore because you don’t need them. Letting go can cause panic, especially for someone who has never known anything different.”
Dr. Grayson arched a brow. “Keep in mind those coping skills aren’t necessarily all negative, either. Give yourself credit for having come through difficult situations as well and as intact as you have. I know you don’t realize this, but you’re an incredibly strong woman.”
Sighing, she nodded … and doubted. Living her life behind a mask, how could that ever be anything other than negative? Almost twenty-nine years old, and she had no clue who she was. Yay.
“Here’s something else to consider.” Jenna shifted in her chair. “After presenting a false persona to the world for so long, true intimacy, trust, and being genuinely yourself with another person can feel extremely threatening.”
“Is that what happened with Caleb? Did I feel threatened because I acted more honestly with him than I ever have with anyone else?”
“What do you think?” Jenna asked.
She shrugged. “Probably, and it’s painfully clear that I don’t really know who I am without the mask.” Her heart ached for the little girl she’d been, for the child within who’d never been allowed to be her true self or test her limits in a safe and loving environment. All the books she’d read about parenting talked about how important those things were for a child’s development, and she’d never had that.
“Have you read the book about codependency yet?” Jenna asked.
