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Theresa followed him to his truck. Catching movement next door, he glanced in his neighbor’s direction. Dottie—watering pot in hand but not watering anything—nodded and waved in what he suspected she meant as a gesture of encouragement … or a reminder to be the carrot. He waved back. He would’ve smiled, but he couldn’t. His face had hardened to some kind of polymer.
He climbed in and buckled his seat belt beside his silent companion. They went along without speaking as he drove out of his residential neighborhood and onto the highway. He’d never realized before just how loud awkward silence could be.
“Where are we going?” Theresa asked, finally breaking the stand-off.
“Marina Park Beach. It’s only a couple miles from my place, and it’s less crowded than the beaches in the city limits.”
She nodded and went back into silent mode. Once they neared the park, he turned on Pierpoint Boulevard and headed for the public lot. He chose a spot, pulled in, and shut off the engine. They climbed out of his car and set out for the beach. Still silent, Theresa gazed out toward the ocean as they walked, and the Pacific breeze played with her hair.
Caleb stuffed his hands into the side pockets of his cargo shorts as he surveyed the park. As usual, there were groups of Frisbee tossers occupying the grassy knolls. Couples strolled hand in hand at the water’s edge, and there were several families whose kids were playing in the sand or chasing the surf.
Theresa bit her lower lip and twisted a strand of her hair into a knot. If they continued like this, nothing would be resolved. “So, what do you want to talk about?” he asked.
She stopped walking. “I don’t know where or how to begin.”
“Fair enough. I’ll trust you to let me know when you’re ready.”
“Hmph. Here’s the thing. Monday night was amazing, but then you fell sleep, and my mind started doing this spiraling thing it always does.” She made a spiraling gesture with her pointer finger. “I panicked, Caleb.”
She studied him, her expression almost … fearful?
“That’s why I left the way I did.”
Hold on. She’d just said Monday night was amazing. She’d mentioned he’d fallen asleep after they’d done the deed. That had to mean amazing referred to sex with him. Right? “Just to clarify, amazing caused you to panic?”
“Yeah.” She drew in a long breath. “I was afraid I’d ruined the best friendship I’ve ever had because I crossed a line.”
“Theresa, we both—”
“Caleb, having you in my life means the world to me.” Her gaze met his for an instant then darted away. “I was afraid … afraid things would be awkward between us, and then I went and created the very awkwardness I feared. I’m so, so sorry.”
What had happened between them had been mutually amazing, yet she blamed herself for crossing a line? Which line did she believe she’d crossed? From friends to lovers, or the employee/employer line? Even as all of that ran through his mind, his brain got stuck on the good part—having him in her life meant the world to her. “But—”
“That’s not all. I have to say everything before you respond because I’m still kind of panicking.”
Okay, so now she was wringing her hands together. He’d never actually seen anyone do that before, and he wished he could take her hands in his and put her at ease. “Theresa, you have to know I’d never knowingly hurt you.” He rubbed the back of his neck, wondering what he could say to make it all better. “You can tell me anything. That goes for now and whenever. That’s a promise.”
Her shoulders unbunched a little. “I appreciate that.”
They started walking again, and he could tell by the way her brow creased she was gathering her thoughts and maybe her courage. Give her space and be still. Dottie might’ve been right about that.
“I’m not sure how to explain this, but here goes.” She glanced at him. “Up until now, I’ve pretended my way through life. I’ve assumed whatever role necessary to avoid the emotional battering sure to follow if I didn’t. I never reacted openly, honestly, or genuinely with my father or with my ex-husband. How could I? I was always afraid. I never felt safe enough to be myself. So, I built a wall and a false persona in order to protect myself.”
She shrugged. “Now that I don’t have to pretend, I honestly don’t know who I am or how to respond to any given situation. Everything is new to me. I have no point of reference, no contextual history for normal.” She huffed out a breath. “My go-to reaction has always been to emotionally flinch, take the blame, and run for cover. My therapist says that’s how I’ve been conditioned.”
Caleb nodded, keeping his hands to himself, though he longed to hold her.
“Dr. Grayson says revealing your true self to someone is difficult for everyone, but for someone like me, that kind of honesty and intimacy feels … extremely threatening. I’ve hidden for so damn long that I don’t know what real is for me. I don’t know how to be me, or how not to be afraid.”
She stopped walking again and turned to face him. “You can’t possibly know how much it means to me that I can be my true self with you. I don’t pretend, but when we … uhm.”
“Made love?” he said, a sense of impending doom raising the small hairs at the back of his neck.
“Yes. That was a little too real, too honest, intimate, and extremely threatening.” She swallowed a few times. “I had a meltdown and bolted for cover.”
“I see.” God help him, he really did see. He’d gotten too close too fast. He’d known better and he’d done it anyway.
Her mouth tightened, and a few tears trickled down her cheeks. “I don’t want to lose you,” she whispered. “I don’t want to wreck this friendship, and I don’t know what to do. I’m not secure enough yet to be physically or emotionally intimate with anyone without feeling threatened.” Her chin quivered, and the corners of her mouth turned down.
