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I nodded. “Yeah. More than whiskey. Even if I didn’t have time to prove that.” I reached out and pulled her to me because I had to feel her one last time. She felt so small in my arms. So fragile. My little nugget of knowledge, always unblinking and full of questions. But she was quiet now. Like she had nothing left to ask because I had given her all the answers.
So I kissed the top of her head, caressing her back over the soft cotton of her T-shirt. “Bye, Soph. Take care of yourself.”
“You too.” Then she peeled herself from my arms.
And she ran, just like I had told her.
She didn’t run like an athlete, but more like someone stumbling away from danger. Which she was.
I sat down on the curb, resting my forearms on my knees. I fished out a pack of cigarettes from my back pocket. The lighter was missing. I felt all around for it. Nothing. Like me. Numb and nothing.
Bella came out, glanced at me, gave me a wave, and started fast-walking after her sister.
Christian sat down next to me with a sigh. “I’m not as young as I used to be,” he said. “I used to bounce back better after fighting with you. My fucking shoulder is killing me.” He rolled it.
“Yeah, well, it can’t hurt as bad as my back from where you stuck the knife in it with Ali.”
“Ha-ha.”
“You got a light?” I asked, the cigarette dangling unlit from my lips.
“Yeah.” He reached into his pocket and handed me the lighter. “Just so you know, in case I never said it, I’m sorry about Ali. I really am. If I could go back and not do it, I would.”
My head was pounding and my heart felt shredded. Like ground beef through a grinder. But if I was going to fix this, me, anything, I had to think with my head instead of feeling. I couldn’t react with anger, with raw, unfettered emotion. So I swallowed the pit in my dry throat and said, “You should be sorry. But if you went back and undid it, there is a fifty percent chance there wouldn’t be Camp now. And I don’t want that.” I didn’t. The little guy was pure and sweet innocence and he deserved a life that was filled with happiness and love. Not anger.
“I didn’t mean to take over as his father. It was just when Ali disappeared and you were, you know…”
I was still angry. But he had a fair point. “Yeah. I know. Water under the fucking bridge, man.”
I lit the cigarette and took a hard drag, watching Sophie backing out of the parking spot as soon as Bella got into the expensive car. “Though I will never understand why you thought any of that was okay.”
“Do you really want me to explain?” Christian was staring at me. I could feel his eyes burning into me.
I decided I didn’t want to look at him. “No, I don’t want an explanation.” It wouldn’t change anything. He wouldn’t ever be able to explain it in a way I would understand, and it was time to accept that. But there was something I wanted to do.
Blowing out smoke, the cloud obscured my vision of the parking lot and Sophie retreating.
Then it cleared.
