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Cain kicked off his sneakers and padded in his socks over to the couch. He knew me and my shoe issue. It made me stupidly happy. I was about to ask him how he felt, what his plans were, when he cupped my cheeks without warning and kissed me.
It wasn’t soft, but it wasn’t angry. It was urgent, questing, possessive. I felt everything inside me rise up and welcome him. I felt passion, desire, a sense of rightness. I belonged in his kiss. When he finally broke away I gave a soft cry.
His pale blue eyes were so intense, so serious. His nostrils were flaring. “I’m sorry.”
“For kissing me?” I asked, leaning toward him. I put my hand on his arm because I didn’t want him to leave, shift out of my space. I could smell his familiar scent and I wanted to close my eyes and breathe him in. Keep him there, with me, forever. I hadn’t thought I would ever see him again. Tears rose again. I couldn’t stop them.
“No. I’m never sorry for kissing you.” He stroked the back of his hand over my cheek. “I’m sorry for the things I said to you that last night. For getting loaded and embarrassing and hurting you. With my words and my lack of concern for you.” He briefly closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I wish I could make that up to you.”
“I forgive you,” I said, because I did. I knew he wouldn’t say those things if he had been sober. But I also knew half of my ability to forgive was rooted in the fact that I knew he was working on getting better. “But it hurt, because that’s my biggest fear, you know.”
“What is?”
“Not being wanted. My whole life I’ve been the outsider. My own mother is embarrassed of my quirks or whatever you want to call them. You said you didn’t want me. And it hurt. Really bad.”
Cain swore under his breath. “Baby, that was just me lashing out because I felt like I wasn’t good enough for you. It was disdain toward myself. Toward my brother. Ali. But honestly, mostly at myself. I was feeling like you weren’t answering me because I wasn’t good enough for you. And I was right—I wasn’t good enough for you. I may never be good enough for you.” He smoothed my hair back. “But I just had to let you know that you are hands down the best thing to ever happen to me. I think you are the most amazing woman I’ve ever met and I cherish every second I got to spend with you.”
“I feel the same way. I’ve never met anyone who understood me the way you do.” I traced the lines of the tattoo of a boat on his forearm. It was a tiny little ship, heading out of the port. Into the open sea. The unknown.
“Have you…been with anyone since we were together?” he asked. His jaw was set. “Be honest. I can always count on you to be honest.”
I was pretty sure my mouth actually gaped. I started laughing. “Are you kidding? No. I have not been with anyone. I’ve been nonstop thinking about you. I haven’t even acknowledged the existence of any men other than you in the past thirty days.”
“Really?” He looked so relieved I thought it was adorable. “I mean, I would understand if you did…”
He didn’t sound like he meant that at all, but I appreciated the attempt to be fair. “You’re lying. You would be so angry. But trust me, it was not on my radar at all.”
Cain rolled his eyes. “Damn it. I forgot how smart you are. I can’t even pretend to not be jealous with you. You always call me out on my shit and it’s one of the things I love about you.”
“I do my best.” I wanted to know where this was going. I needed to know where this was going. Was he here to say goodbye for the second time? Sober and in control? Was I part of his twelve steps? “So tell me why it matters if I saw anyone else or not.”
“Because when I push you back on this couch and tell you I love you and I promise to be a better man, you won’t be conflicted because of some other douchebag. You’ll just be conflicted because maybe you don’t want to be with this douchebag.” He tapped his chest with his thumb.
I barely heard a word he said. All I really heard was love.
“I thought you were here to tell me you’re sorry as part of your program,” I said. My heart was racing. I needed just a little more. I wanted just a little more.
The past month had been horrible. For the first time in my entire life, I had struggled to focus, because my thoughts were preoccupied by a pair of blue eyes and a deep, gravelly laugh. I had missed him. I had wanted him. Now I felt like I was on the cusp of either something fabulous or yet another heartbreaking disappointment. Before I could say we weren’t together because of his drinking. But now? If we weren’t, I guess we weren’t meant to be.
But I thought about Bella’s question. When do you know it’s right?
The correct answer was science, rooted in the logic of the brain processes.
But the better answer was you knew when you felt it. In your heart.
“That’s part of it. An important part. But the other thing is this.” He pushed me back on the couch, his hard, muscular body covering mine.
Cain had a clean shave and a sexy smile. “I may not be a genius. But I have a big cock and a heart full of love for you. I’m offering you both.”
My own heart swelled. Good enough for me. He had been unexpected but he was everything I wanted. “In what order?”
He laughed. “Smart-ass. The love you have all the time. The cock whenever you want.”
I smiled up at him. “You have my heart too.” I touched his lips. “What if my first is my last?”
His eyes widened and his jaw set. For a second I thought I saw tears forming but then he had control of himself. “Then I would be the luckiest guy from Maine to Boston. And I would do everything I could to keep you satisfied. Very satisfied.”
“Now would be a good time to start.” I needed him inside me. I needed the physical reminder of our connection. I needed to touch him and feel him and hold on to him.
