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It hurts like hell but, I need to be perfectly clear how I feel for her right here and right now. No more pussy-footing around. I just need to keep it short and sweet, but crystal fucking clear.
“Gracie, I love you and I forgive you. You are mine and I am yours. And I want the whole world to know it. No more hiding. If we dance in the dark again—and I hope we do—it’s not because we’re keeping our love a secret. So, I hope it’s clear, and I mean crystal clear, that we belong to each other and nothing is going to come between us again.” She gives me a nod as tears continue to stream down her face. With one last scratchy sentence, I seal the deal. “Now, come give me a kiss.”
Lost
Emily
I find myself nearly skipping through the hospitals doors when I return after Jonathan sent me home to clean up.
He loves me!
Jonathan Kelly loves me and forgives me!
I cannot believe how lucky I am to have him walk back into my life. Not only did he walk back into my life, but he fought for me. He had to shake sense in to me, but he did it. Even after I let him down he’s forgiven me, and he’s mine. I’ve been his since I walked away from him years ago, but now he’s mine as well. Now it’s time to get him on the road to recovery and home as soon as possible so I can help him get back on his feet.
He didn’t want any visitors when he woke up in the middle of the night last night. His throat hurt, he was exhausted and he wanted some alone time with me before others started invading our space. Of course there were nurses and doctors coming in and out of the room, but our eyes rarely left each other’s even when they were talking to him or checking his vitals. He finally sent me home early this morning so that I could get cleaned up. After only being gone a couple of hours, I feel like I haven’t seen him in days and can’t wait to get back to him.
As I walk off the elevator and enter the waiting room, there is still a big crowd of people, our people.
I’m realizing more and more now, that my entire life the police department has been my family, and they are Jonathan’s family too. As a kid I didn’t appreciate the family that comes with your father being a police officer. As scary as the job is, I’m so glad that Mick and Jonathan both have such a big support system; people that would do anything from help you move to give their life for you. I didn’t think I wanted this life after watching my parents’ marriage crumble, but now it’s something I plan to embrace and appreciate.
I notice as I get closer to the group—many of whom were here when I left—that they all seem a bit more down than they did when I left. Mick sees me, and heads my way, he also lets out a big breath like he’s preparing himself for the conversation he’s about to have with me. My heart rate picks up speed and I can feel myself start to panic.
“What Mick? What’s happened? Tell me he’s okay? He was fine when I left!” I ramble as he approaches me. I can feel eyes watching me but trying not to be obvious. What the hell is going on?
“Emmers, he’s okay. He uh . . . just doesn’t want any visitors.”
“What do you mean, Mick? What are you not telling me?”
I can tell that he’s trying to be quiet and not cause a scene. I’m the one raising my voice, but I am so confused.
What is he trying to say?
As I wait for him to answer, he takes me by the arm and we move to the back of the room away from everybody else.
“Em, they finally told him about Bob not making it and he isn’t taking it too well.”
“Oh my God, he has to be so upset right now. I need to get back to him. He needs me, Mick.”
“Em, he doesn’t want any visitors.”
“I heard you, but that doesn’t mean me.” I say incredulously.
Mick just stands there staring at me and I finally figure it out.
“Mick, does it mean me?”
Hesitantly, he nods his head to confirm that I too am not wanted in Jonathan’s room.
“I don’t understand, Mick. Just two hours ago we finally said ‘I love you’ to each other and now he doesn’t want to see me?”
“It’s not you, he doesn’t want to see anybody. Devon is the only person he’ll let in, and he’s in there with him now. He gave strict instructions to the hospital staff and to the officer standing watch outside his room. He’s been through a lot. He’s coming to terms with the fact that Bob died when he was supposed to be his back-up. That would be hard for any of us to deal with. It’s not you, sweetie.”
I can’t believe he doesn’t want to see me. I hear what Mick is saying, and I appreciate that he’s upset and suffering, but I want to help him through this. I want to comfort him and make sure he knows it’s not his fault. I want to be there for him when he needs me most.
The high I was feeling when I walked through the front doors of the hospital has vanished, and I feel like my heart is being torn in two.
I need to pull myself together. Time. I just need to give him some time. I can do that. I’ll wait as long as he needs me to. With this mantra running through my head, I thank Mick, give him a hug and return to the group that is still gathered to support Jonathan. I give my hellos and thank yous for their support and find an open chair where I sit and wait with everybody else.
