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I kiss the top of her head and say, “Happy Thanksgiving to you too, Princess! Did you sleep good?”
“I did. Too bad you had to sleep on the couch. Mommy and I have a comfy bed and got to snuggle.”
“You have no idea how jealous of you I am, sweet girl. Speaking of your momma, where is she?”
Ireland’s mouth is now full of sugary goodness so Fiona interjects. “She’s in the shower, honey. Can I get you anything for breakfast?”
“Sure. I’ll have what she’s having,” I say as I take the seat next to Ireland at the breakfast bar.
I hold Emily’s hand as we walk from Fiona’s car towards my mom. I don’t know why, but I feel nervous. I don’t know if it’s because I wonder if Emily will think this is all a bit strange? I mean it’s not every day your boyfriend takes you to a cemetery to introduce you to his dead mother, but this is important to me for some reason. The nerves could also be because I haven’t been back here in a couple of years. I have some guilt over that.
I can see her headstone some distance before we get to it, and my emotions start to swell inside of me. Sadness over the loss of my mother. Guilt for being gone so long. Pride in Emily. And joy that I get to share my happiness with the one person who wanted it for me more than anybody else.
We approach the graveside that reads:
Caroline Joy Kelly
Beloved mother, wife, sister and friend
1965—2010
“I’ll love you always and forever and wherever I may be.”
I slow down and Emily squeezes my hand and asks. “Would you like some time by yourself first? I can go sit on that bench and you can come get me when you’re ready if you want.”
The love and support in her eyes is just want I need to calm my racing heart. I squeeze her hand back and say, “No, please stay. I’m kind of a mess right now and I’d like it if you stayed.”
“I’d love to. Here, let’s get this cleaned up a bit,” she says as she releases my hand and walks towards mom’s headstone. She brushes away all of the leaves and other random pieces of nature that have landed on it. I think it’s her way to also give me a minute of space, even though I said I didn’t want it. She knows me so well.
Once she’s finished, she takes the blanket that’s draped across my arm and spreads it out in front of us. She stands there with me waiting for me to make the move to sit. She’s leaving this all to me, and not forcing me to do anything I’m not ready to. She lightly rubs her hand up and down my back until I take two steps forward and sit down on the blanket. She joins me and sits next to me on my side, but turns her body so she is facing me.
The blanket that Fiona sent with us was my mom’s favorite. It was a Christmas gift from me my senior year of high school. She uses her hands to flatten it so she can read it clearly, and I can see exactly when she notices the words on it.
“Every night when I was little and she tucked me in to bed, my mom would whisper it to me. It was always a whisper or said into my ear when she hugged me goodbye. I had this blanket made for her my senior year. She loved it. It was in her will that we put these words on her headstone so that every time any of us came to visit, we would remember that she still loves us wherever she may be.”
“I think that’s beautiful. Your mom sounds like she was a pretty amazing woman, honey.”
I just nod in reply because I can’t speak. I can feel the emotion taking hold of me and I am not sure that I can keep it in any longer. Emily keeps her eyes trained on mine, and I swear she reaches all the way to the deepest parts of my soul with those eyes of hers. She can see that I’m barely hanging on. She reaches over and brushes her hand through my hair. “It’s okay to let it out, baby. I’m here. I’ll catch you. I’m. Right. Here.”
Her words are all it takes to open up the flood gates and my unshed tears begin to fall. She pulls herself closer to me and quietly holds me while I cry. Once the tears start they just won’t stop. I’m no longer just crying, I’m sobbing, but she keeps holding on to me. Before I know it she has positioned us so that I’m now lying with my head in her lap and she is stroking my hair. She doesn’t say anything. She just comforts me with her love and her touch.
“It’s been so hard for me to forgive you for not telling me you were sick, mom. You knew when I was home and you didn’t tell me. For the longest time I couldn’t understand how you could not tell me. I heard the reasons you gave, and they were never enough. But I finally figured it out. If you had done things differently, I probably wouldn’t have gone back to California. I wouldn’t have met my Gracie. As much as I wish I could have been there for you, Mom, thank you so much for sending me back to California and to the love of my life.”
Feeling a little stronger, I raise myself up to sit cross legged on the blanket. Emily is facing me, but at an angle with her cheek on my shoulder, just letting me have my moment. I turn my head to look at her and she lifts her head so that her eyes meet mine, and I can see the tears that have just started to fall down her cheeks. She smiles at me and puts her head back down on my shoulder.
“Mom, I found it. That love that you always said was out there waiting for me. I found it and I get it now. You were right, and when you know, you just know. I had to wait over five years to get her back, but she’s here Mom. And not only am I lucky enough to have found The One, but she has a beautiful little girl named Ireland. Emily and Ireland . . . they are what I’ve been missing, thank God they found me. You would love them both, and it really sucks that they don’t get to have you in their lives. You would have been the best Grandma, and I am so sorry you didn’t get to experience that.”
I turn towards Emily’s head on my shoulder and can’t help myself when I take a small whiff. I love her smell and don’t think I will ever get enough of it. I feel her shoulders shake when she silently giggles at the move she catches me doing so often. I have no shame when it comes to her, and don’t care who knows it. Yes, I am that guy that has to sniff his girlfriend from time to time. So what?
“Mom, these girls are everything to me. They are both kind, funny and beautiful. Emily is a bit, how should I say it? Independent. She has raised Ireland on her own all these years and Mom, she has done an amazing job. She’s the coolest kid I have ever met.” I turn so Emily knows my next words are more for her, even if I’m directing them to my mom. “Mom, I’m doing everything I can to let Emily see that it’s okay to let somebody take care of her for a change. I know she hates to lean on anybody but herself but I sure hope I can change that.”
Emily places a sweet kiss to my forehead, she takes my face in her hands and those sky blue eyes of her search mine. “Jonathan, you’ve already broken down those walls. You have taught me to trust and to love and to let somebody else take care of me. You did that when nobody else could. I love you and I’m all in. I hope that we take care of each other for a very long time. You’re my always and forever Jonathan.”
“See Mom, she’s the one. She loves me just like you always dreamed somebody other than you would love me. Life doesn’t get much better than this, does it? The only thing missing is you. I miss you so much, Mom.”
The tears are back but just tears, I’m able to keep it together this time around.
“Watching the work that Emily puts into being a single parent has given me just a glimpse of how hard it had to have been for you day in and day out taking care of me on your own. Thank you, Mom. Thank you for giving me all the love and support a kid could ever need and for taking such great care of me. I never went without, and I see now how hard you worked to make that happen for me. I love you, mom, and I miss you every day.”
