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“Listen, I’ve gotten to know him here and there and he does seem like a nice guy. He is certainly a looker, but more than that he’s a good man from what I can tell. He’s been through a lot and seems a little closed off though. Be careful, but don’t push him away. Take it slow for yourself and for Ireland, but don’t hold yourself back from love. I know you won’t let yourself say it out loud, but you still love him. It’s obvious. Sweetie, you don’t need to conquer this world alone. You will still be just as strong as you are today if you let somebody walk beside you. You, more than most, deserve to be loved and cared for. If he’s offering to walk beside you maybe you should think about letting him. He didn’t ask you to marry him, he just asked you to try. Ireland is gonna be five before you know it and you’ve been on your own since the day she was born.”
I try to protest and tell her that I’ve had my family and friends beside me all this time, but she doesn’t let me.
“Don’t Emily. I know you’re going to say that you have had Cami, Alex, all your other friends and Mick and me, but that’s not the same as having a partner. You’re still doing this on your own and have been since day one. I hope you know how proud I am of you.”
“Thanks, mom, for everything.”
“Honey, I’m always here for you and I am just so glad that both my girls are here, where they belong. I hope you know that if you ask me to help you in any way it is never a burden. Never. I will help you with Ireland any time I can and don’t feel bad about it either, understood?”
“Understood.”
I wipe my face, take a deep breath, and figure it’s time to go rescue Mick from Ireland. Mom and I are walking arm and arm again across the big green yard when she stops and turns me towards her and looks me in the eye, making sure she has my attention.
“He’s not your father, honey. I know that your father and I were poor examples of how a real relationship should be, but honey, it can be great when you find that one special person. It can be so much more than you ever dreamed of. Think about it, get settled, take it slow and then maybe, just maybe, let him in again when you’re ready. If not, you might regret it the rest of your life and you don’t do regrets if I am not mistaken?”
She gives me a wink and leads me back inside.
When we reach the family room Ireland is passed out on Mick, Cami is now sitting on the love seat in deep conversation with Jonathan, and Courtney is nowhere in sight. This I can live with.
I say goodbye to my mom and I go and gently peel my sweaty baby girl off of her big softie of an uncle. I make my way through the room and can feel the stares coming from the direction of the love seat. As I carry the second love of my life to her bed I try to take in the words my mom just shared with me about letting him in, but as I hold her in my arms I can’t help but think of her getting hurt in the process. What if she gets attached and he leaves? Not only would it break my heart, but hers too. It’s one thing to risk my heart but another to risk hers.
I purposely take a little longer than needed in her room covering her up and arranging her stuffed animals all around her before joining everybody back in the family room. There aren’t any available seats, so I go sit on the floor in front of Cami’s spot on the love seat so her legs are on either side of me. She gives my ponytail a tug and tips my head back to look at her and asks if I want her seat, but I tell her I’m good on the floor. I can feel his intoxicating buzz just fine from here thanks. I certainly don’t need to be any closer.
Luckily it’s already the 2nd half of the game because this is hella uncomfortable. The three of us stationed over here at the love seat are awkwardly silent while everybody else is throwing shade at each other and properly cheering and screaming at the TV.
With about ten minutes left in the game the Seahawks score a touchdown and the room goes crazy. Shortly after this outburst, I hear the familiar whimper of, “Momma.”
“Baby girl is awake. Be back peeps,” I say to whoever may be listening but to nobody specific.
“Let me go with you. I’m gonna head out in a few and I wanna say goodbye to that beautiful goddaughter of mine before I do.”
Cami and I step inside Ireland’s new room and she shuts the door behind us.
“Did you have a good nap, little lady?”
“I did, momma, but I’s hot.”
Her cheeks are bright red from being too warm.
“Well, you do have a bunch of stufties and blankets on you, no wonder. Come on let’s get you out of there and brush that hair of yours.”
As I get Ireland up and grab her brush from the nightstand, I finally look over at Cami who is standing with her arms crossed in front of her, tapping her foot and looking like she’s waiting for something.
“What?”
“Just friends? You friend-zoned him?” she hisses at me with her hands on her hips. I feel like I’m being scolded and she’s about to ground me.
“It’s not so simple, Cam. I have a lot going on and seeing him with…” I nod my head towards my little girl. “There are two of us who will be hurt when Courtney or somebody else comes along and gets in the way. I can’t do that to either of us, Cam.”
“No regrets. Live today like it’s your last and along the way kick some a…butt. That’s all I have to say, Em.”
With this reminder of how we always vowed to live our lives Cami leaves. It’s not like her to just leave like that. She’s genuinely pissed at me and my decision making.
“Mommy, what’s regrets?”
“Oh baby, it just means not to ever do anything you might look back on when your older and wish you hadn’t done it.”
“Do you have any of those mommy?”
