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I exhale the breath I was holding and with it the huge ball of anxiety that had been sitting in my chest. I let out a soft chuckle when I say, “You want to talk about my love life?” She nods her answer. “Thank God! I thought you had something serious to tell me.”
“There’s nothing more serious than love, my boy. From the sound of it, that’s what you and Emily have but she may not be able to accept it yet?”
“I keep telling myself that we were only together nine days, and that was five years ago but I just know…”
“What do you know, Jonathan?”
“I know that she’s the one and I love her. I’m sure that everybody thinks I’m nuts, but my time with her made me a better person; made me look at strangers differently because she treated everybody the same whether she knew them or not. She’s an amazing person and she makes me better. I know that for sure.”
“Jonathan, you were your mother’s world. Her biggest wish for you was that you find somebody to love and that one day you would be whole and happy again. Your dad was the love of her life and she was his. Your momma would want you to find somebody that you love just as strong as she loved your daddy. I wish you had been able to see how wonderful they were together. It was a sight to see, Jonathan. They loved each other from the day they laid eyes on each other and nothing was going to get in their way.”
“You know, I used to wonder why my mom never found anybody else. Why she never remarried, but I get it now. When you find the person you’re supposed to be with nobody else compares, and that’s how I have felt since the day she walked away from me.” I look up to the ceiling and say, “I understand now, mom.”
Fiona squeeze my hand and continues. “If you love her as much as you say you do, and she is worthy of your love, then you go and get her and her little girl.”
“That’s the plan, Mrs. F.”
“You ready and willing to be an instant family and become this little girl’s daddy if you fight for her?”
“I am.”
Wow, I never really thought about that but by asking her to try it means the possibility of becoming somebody’s daddy. That’s kinda huge. I get why she wouldn’t just jump in so easily and why just the sight of Courtney was enough to slow her down.
“You ready to lose them both if this doesn’t work out?”
“I can’t let that happen. It’s not an option.”
“But if it does it’s gonna hurt twice as bad, kiddo.”
“I can’t let that happen.”
“You think your momma would like her?” She asks with a small smile.
Smiling back, I assure her. “Momma would love her!”
Sitting back in her chair she asks, “So, whatcha gonna do?”
“Mrs. F, at the moment I am just going to go with baby steps. She just wants to be friends right now and as scared as she is of relationships she would probably move to New Zealand to get away from me if she heard me saying the “L” word. I don’t even want to think about how bad she would freak out. I can’t go full throttle or I am afraid I’ll push her away. For now, friends, and we work our way to more from there.”
“It sounds like your connection is pretty strong and I hope it doesn’t take her as long as you think it might. It’s good that you respect where she’s coming from though. Remember she’s a momma now and we are fierce when it comes to our babies, so you have an extra mountain to climb, but I know you’ll make it to the top.”
“Thank you. You don’t know how much you guys mean to me and it means so much that you all flew out here to see the house. You know this should have been mom’s house. I tried to have it built with all the things she had dreamed of. There are little things, like the big sink in the laundry room that always makes me think of her.”
“Honey, the fact that after losing three people you loved in a matter of months, you didn’t do what a lot of young people would have done and blow through your momma’s life insurance and your savings that you worked so hard for. Honey, that’s a big deal. And it’s somethin’ your momma would be so proud of. This house is beautiful and I hope that someday soon it’s filled with your own family and all the love that you deserve.”
She stands and pretends that she’s getting rid of non-existent wrinkles in her shirt, picks up her little chair and returns it to the corner I put it in just for her. I can tell she needs this moment to collect herself so that the tears that were filling her eyes don’t fall, and I give her that. Truth is, I need it just as bad as she does.
“Now, give me a hug and go get your work out on. I plan on hitting up as many food carts and yummy restaurants as possible while we’re here so you are gonna need to burn some calories. I love you, kiddo. Now go on and get.”
I give her one more little squeeze and a kiss on the cheek before I let her go.
“Love you too, Mrs. F. Thanks again.”
It’s Saturday night and we’re all sitting around the fire pit in my back yard talking about the day. Devon and Gabby joined us today and the seven of us—well eight if you count Frances—had a great day. After stuffing ourselves Friday on food carts and late-night funky flavored ice cream at Salt and Straw, we decided to take it a bit easier on the calorie intake today.
We took the Fanuas to see Multnomah Falls since this is an obligatory must-see for first-timers to Portland. The drive through the Columbia River Gorge is beautiful and the falls are the bonus at the end of the forty-minute drive. After getting in all the mandated photos that Mrs. F and Kate insisted on we headed to Wachlella Falls Trailhead for a nice little two-mile hike. We spent the rest of the day hitting other local stand-outs, and taking in as much of the outdoors as possible. It’s late September, but the weather is still great and we’re trying to soak up every bit we can.
As I look at everybody important to me, outside of my work brothers, I am completely at peace…almost. There are two little ladies I would love to add to this group and then it would seem as though everything was right in the world. As if reading my mind, Liam decides it’s time to bust my balls.
