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We sit in silence for what seems like forever, but I can tell that he’s working his way up to talk about something. By the way he’s rubbing circles on the back of my hand, and the fact that the pace has picked up, he almost seems panicked. I can tell this isn’t going to be an easy conversation. I squeeze his hand, and he starts to speak.
“We lost Matt about three months into our tour in Afghanistan.”
He takes a second to collect himself. I take the time as well. I know he doesn’t ever talk about what happened with Matt to anybody, not even Devon. This is a big deal for him. I just wait and let him know that I’m here for him by putting my hand on top of his. I lightly rub my fingers back and forth over the back of his hand to try and help calm him. Eventually, he’s ready and starts again with his voice low.
“We lost Matt about three months into our tour in Afghanistan. We were on a mission in the Helmund Province when we were attacked. We got out of our Humvee and within our first few steps away from our vehicles, we were under fire. The first shot that we heard hit Matt, and he was gone instantly. He was standing two feet in front of me, and I watched him take the hit and then fall to the ground. I had grabbed him before he hit the ground and I pulled him back to the Humvee, but he was already gone. His damn helmet was too big. He hated to tighten it too tight, so it was tipped back and he was shot right here.” He points to the low part of the center of his forehead while looking out the windshield. “I see that moment in my daydreams and in my nightmares. It’s always with me.”
I have no idea what to say to that so I just say, “It wasn’t your fault, Jonathan.”
Still looking straight ahead out the windshield he replies to my useless comment.
“But it was, Em. I was his squad leader and I led him into harm’s way. I know that I was just following orders, but I had a bad feeling that day. I should have listened to my gut and done things differently, and maybe he would still be here driving Scarlett instead of me. You know when his parents were in California visiting him that week, he had written them a letter in case anything happened to him. And in that fucking letter, he said that he wanted me to have Scarlett. Can you believe that shit? He left me his pride and joy. This is the first time I’ve had her out of my garage. It was just too hard before.”
He finally brings his shining eyes to mine.
“My mom, Em…”
I reach up and cup his cheek in my hand and rub my thumb back and forth to try to soothe him. I don’t know what else to do. I just want to take away his pain. To think I was part of his pain during the toughest part of his life is almost too much for me to live with.
“I’m so sorry, baby. I wish I had been there for you. You went through so much. I wish I could take your pain away for you.”
He takes my hand from his face and holds it in his lap, and stares at me for what seems like an eternity. I hold his gaze, letting him know I’m here for him now, and I see him take a deep breath and then exhale. He opens his mouth to speak, but then he closes it as if he’s changed his mind.
“It’s okay Jonathan, you can tell me anything. If you want to tell me how shitty I was for not telling you the truth, and giving you a chance so that I could be there to help you through it all, then do it. I deserve it.”
He shakes his head and looks down at our hands in his lap. He takes a deep inhale and I steel myself for what he says in reply.
“You did get me through it. Just knowing you were out there somewhere, and that there was something as good as you still out in the world stopped me from giving up. I would lay awake at night and recount all of my memories of our time together. That would be the only way I could close my eyes without seeing the nightmare of Matt getting shot, and watching them lower my mom into the ground. I know it sounds crazy, but you did get me through all of it, and I think deep down I knew I would see you again. Knowing in my heart that I would see you again was what kept me from going further into the hole I was in. I always told myself to think about accidentally running into you one day, and how much of a mess would I want you to see me in. I’m functioning because of the hope I had of seeing you again.”
I’m stunned silent at his confession. He lifts his head and his eyes connect with mine again. He brings our interlaced hands up and kisses the back of mine before setting it back down.
“You know if it wasn’t for my mom, I wouldn’t have met you,” he confesses with a half-hearted smile.
“What?” I ask confused.
“Yep, my mom knew she was sick when I went home that week before I met you. She was starting her chemo and didn’t want me there or to know that she was sick. She told me she wanted me to go back to Cali with the guys and to have fun for her since she had to go back to work. She changed my flight without telling me and acted like it was a gift she was giving me.”
Watching him relive all of this is heartbreaking. He’s dealt with so much and all I want to do is make it all better for him.
“I was so mad when I found out that she already knew, and that I was there with her and she never told me. She sent me away instead of letting me be there to help take care of her, like I should have. I had so much fucking anger and resentment towards her until Liam pointed out that she didn’t just send me away, but she sent me to you. That’s how I was able to forgive her. I’m not saying that if I had known I was going to meet you, I still wouldn’t have picked staying home with my mom to take care of her, but I wasn’t given the chance to pick. My mom chose for me.”
“Jonathan…”
“No, let me finish. I’m not angry any more because I figured something out. All my mom wanted was for me to be happy. She got to talk to me more than once that week that I was with you. She got to hear me happier than I had ever been. You and me, baby, we brought her happiness that week. I never did tell her that we weren’t going to try the long-distance thing because she was so happy that I had found ‘the one’. I wasn’t ready to burst her bubble, so I let her think we were still talking when I left.”
I start to speak but he stops me by bringing his finger to my lips.
“See, Em, I didn’t tell her because I didn’t want her to hurt for me, and she didn’t tell me she was sick for the same reason. She didn’t want me to go fight for my country with the worry of her being sick on my mind. She knew it would overwhelm my every thought, and that would be dangerous. She knew me well enough to know that she was keeping me safe by not telling me. Do I wish I could have said goodbye, or that I would have done things differently while I was home for that last week? Of course. But as much as I try to tell myself that I should have been there for her, or that it wasn’t my fault that Matt died, I still feel like I let two of the people I cared about the most down.”
He’s silent long enough for me to know that he’s done sharing.
Squeezing his hand, I say, “Thank you for sharing all of this with me, Jonathan. You have no idea how much it means to me that you would trust me enough to share your story with me. I hope you know I am always here for you if you ever want to talk about anything. You don’t have to keep any of it from me.”
“Thanks, baby.” I can feel his hand start to shake in mine. “It’s been really hard because when it comes to Matt, I know that I have Devon to talk to, but I can’t help but feel that I let him down that day too, and I think I am afraid of what he’ll say if I ever do bring it up. Then when I’m around the Fanuas and my mom comes up…well, I feel guilt around them as well. They took care of her in my absence. Fiona never left her side at the end. It should have been me, and I can’t help but feel that they feel the same way.”
“Jonathan, I know for a fact that Devon doesn’t blame you, and I’m sure that your mom had explained to Fiona that she hadn’t told you. They knew that you would have been there had you known or had been able to be. You have to give yourself a break, baby. Nobody blames you but yourself, and you need to let that go. Try to forgive yourself. You’re a good man, and you don’t deserve the guilt you’re putting on yourself.”
A lone tear escapes and runs down his face. It’s more than I can stand so I crawl into his lap and hold him while he comes to terms with the fact that it isn’t all his fault. That he is, in fact, a good man. We’re in quite a tight space, and it’s not comfortable in any way to be jammed in between the sterling wheel and this beautiful man, but it’s worth it to give him what he needs right now.
