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“Devon, thank you so much for being there for him. He’s lucky to have a friend like you,” I say as I give Devon a hug and then turn to head towards Jonathan’s room. Devon grabs me by the wrist to stop me and says, “I’m sorry, PDX, but J really doesn’t want any visitors. I am so sorry. It kills me to say it, but he doesn’t want to see you right now.”
He can see the tears in my eyes before they start to fall and pulls me into a strong hug. “He feels like this is Shell all over again, and isn’t doing so well. He doesn’t want you to see him like this. It’s a lot for him to handle, and he has a lot of guilt right now. He’s been through so much already, and I think this might be a bit of a setback for him.”
I wait all day.
I’ve been told more than once by the nursing staff that he still doesn’t want to see me, but I stay strong and stay there because when he’s ready to see me I want to be here.
Somehow I’ve fallen asleep on the miserable bench in the waiting room when I feel a tap on my shoulder. Nurse Jackson is back and she gives me a sweet smile before she says, “Darlin’, it’s after visiting hours and he still doesn’t want to see anybody. I am so sorry, but you should go home and get some rest.”
The entire day has gone by and he still doesn’t want to see me. I should get home to Ireland and give my mom a break for a bit, but leaving feels so wrong. I won’t quit on him though. I’ve waited five years to tell him that I love him. I am not going to give up now that we’re back together where we both know we belong.
“How’s he doin’, Nurse Jackson?” I ask as I stretch my aching neck.
“He’ll be okay, Miss Emily but he needs to get some rest and so do you.”
“Yes, ma’am, I’ll go. Will you please tell him I was here and that I’ll be back in the morning?”
“I sure will. You get some sleep and I’ll let him know.”
“Thanks.”
Against everything in me that’s telling me to stay I get up, grab my purse and reluctantly head to the elevators. I sit in my car for several minutes just staring up at the building that the love of my life is in, wondering how the hell I can help him if he won’t let me in. I hope he knows that I’m not quitting on him, and I won’t let him quit on me either. I will come back every day until he lets me into that damn room.
It’s now noon on day four after Jonathan’s shooting and I’m still sitting in the waiting room. I’m still texting him every day and he’s still not returning my texts. He still won’t let anybody but Devon in to see him.
This morning when I arrived and the nurses wouldn’t let me in, I took up my spot in the waiting room and began my wait. Alex came and sat with me for a while but then had to leave for work. Not too long after, Devon came out of Jonathan’s room looking horrible.
He plops down in the seat next to me and weakly offers up. “Hey PDX.”
“Hey, Devon. You okay?”
“I don’t know, Em. I’m worried about our boy, and I don’t know what to do to get him through this. I am at a complete loss.”
He leans forward with his elbows on his knees and hangs his head looking completely overwhelmed.
“I know that you are the thing that will snap him out of it. You’re his missing piece, Emily. You make him whole. I know that sounds crazy because it hasn’t been that long that you guys have been back in each other’s lives, but I saw it. I saw the old J returning. You were bringing him back to life. He’s been in love with you for years. He finally has you and he’s pushing you away. If I could just get you in that room. Emily, I know you’re what he needs.”
“I just don’t understand, Devon. He told me he loved me and he wanted to shout it out to the world that I was his. I leave for two hours and now he won’t let me be there for him. I know he’s going through a lot, but I just don’t get why I can’t be there for him.” I say, hoping I don’t sound as desperate as I feel.
Devon sits back up in his seat and rubs his face with his hands. After a beat, he puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me into his side.
“I know it’s confusing. He’s just going through a lot. Losing Bob is bringing back all of the guilt, loss, and lack of feeling in control that he felt when we lost Matt, and his mom for that matter. He’s blaming himself for all of it. I don’t want to speak too much for him, so I will leave it at that, but just know it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. He just doesn’t know how to deal with it all. Survivor’s guilt is a real thing and I have seen him go through it before. He’ll get through it. He just needs us to be patient and not to give up on him.”
“Devon, thanks again for everything. I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t here to update me. You have to be exhausted and overwhelmed. I wish I could take some of that off of you. If there’s anything I can do just let me know.” I look him in the eye and speak with conviction. “Devon, I promise you that I won’t give up on him.”
“I know you won’t, girl, and yes I am tired but I’m doin’ fine. Better than our boy in there.” He says as he stands and lifts his arms over his head and stretches.
“Listen, I have to go to work for a while. I’ll call the Fanuas on my way and update them. I’ll come back tonight. You should probably head home, Emily. He knows you’re out here and he feels really bad about that. He knows that you aren’t with Ireland if you’re here.”
Standing, I give him a hug. “Thanks, but I’ll stay…in case he changes his mind. Between school, mom, Cami, Alex and Mick, Ireland is covered. I’ll just stay a little while longer.”
After Devon takes his leave, I head to the vending machine down the hall and grab some reinforcements to get me through the day. I return to what I now think of as my chair in the waiting room. Maybe I’ll start up a new trashy romance novel and take my mind off of Jonathan just down the hall.
He’s so close but feels a million miles away right now.
As I pull out my Kindle, out falls the picture that Ireland made for him. I had forgotten all about it. Looking at the picture of Frank, Frances, Jonathan, Ireland and myself at the park, I can’t help but tear up over the hopes and dreams that I feel wrapped up in this picture.
Hopefully, Ireland will remind him that he has more to fight for this time around. It will also remind him that I’m out here waiting for him. Ready to fight alongside him whenever he’s ready.
