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He nods thoughtfully, his smile getting toothy. “You’re going to be a wonderful mother.”
“I hope so,” I laugh nervously. “I’m not sure I’m prepared. My life is kind of a mess.” My laughter fades out as self-doubt takes over. “What if I’m bad at it?”
“Nonsense. Every mother worries the first time. But it gets easier with the next one. Right?” He looks across at my mother and winks.
She stiffens at the attention. “Oh, I wouldn’t know.”
The doctor passes me some tissues; I wipe my belly clean. My memories are tangling up all over again.
If I hadn’t lost Simon’s baby ... This wouldn’t be my first.
Dr. Tillmore pats the back of my hand. “Everything will be okay, Ms. Halloway.”
I maintain my smile—my joy from before is hard to smother—but the way he addresses me is causing waves of acid to swell up in my throat.
I’m not Ms. Halloway.
My mind does a somersault.
I’m not even Ms. Rubinova.
Since being holed up in this house, I haven’t heard anything about Yevgeniy. The lack of news hasn’t calmed me down. I find myself fretting constantly about that awful man … a man I share blood with.
As I watch the doctor packing up his equipment, talking to my mother in a low, happy voice, I know what’s wrong with this situation.
I wish he was calling me Mrs. Isakov.
The ceiling rises higher. The distance grows until I swear I’m sinking into the bed, slowly plummeting into a dark hole with the rest of the world sliding by. Arsen ... you should be here with me. My ears continue to ring with the sound of our child’s heartbeat. It was a gentle whoosh, similar to the roll of ocean waves on the sand. It’s a sound I’ll never forget.
But this moment was meant for me and Arsen.
I miss him so much.
Tears fill my eyes until everything goes blurry. I lift my fingers to swipe them away, but I can’t feel my hands. The ends of my limbs feel like they belong to someone else. And I feel numb, as if my whole body is falling asleep.
What have I done?
Leaving Arsen was the worst mistake of my life.
“Galina?” My mother rushes to my side. She uses my name freely now that we’re alone. “Oh, dear, it’s okay to cry! You must be so happy right now!”
Scrubbing my eyelids, I don’t answer. I can’t tell her what’s making me act like this. She will never understand my feelings. Not after what happened to her.
No … I can’t burden her with this.
It would hurt her too much.
Worse, we might even fight; I don’t have the energy for that. We can’t leave this house. An argument would boil over, driving us mad with nowhere to run for privacy. Without lifting my head, I let out a few shaky breaths. “I’m okay, Mom. Everything is fine.”
“Yes, yes, of course it is! You’re going to have a beautiful, healthy baby!”
New tears pour out endlessly. Yes. I’m going to be a mother.
If only I didn’t have to do it alone.
Audrey bursts into the room. “Oh my gosh!” she shouts. “Did I miss it? Ugh! I’m so sorry, Galina!”
I shake my head with a weary smile. “Don’t worry about it. It won’t be the last time I have a doctor checking me out.”
