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I thought that even though he saw how my family treated me, he didn’t care. At least he didn’t seem like he did. But here we are, after one awful conversation with Winston, and he’s somehow changed his mind. Did I embarrass him like I apparently embarrass them? If so, I didn’t mean to. Maybe I shouldn’t have argued with him, maybe he didn’t like that side of me, but he’s never had any problems when I argued with him before. I’m not going to stop being who I am for anyone, even him. I mean, did he expect me to just stand there and take it?
Duke brushes against me again, but my chest is so heavy that I can’t bend over to pet him.
“Listen, I had a great time with you over the weekend, but we both know that taking things further will just complicate what we’ve got going on up here on the mountain. I’m not going anywhere, and I believe you’re not going anywhere. We’ve become friends, and we need to remember that.”
Friends.
I’m being friend-zoned.
I went from being so incredibly happy this morning to now being this.
“Did I do something wrong?” I ask him. I have to know.
“It’s not like that.” He shakes his head.
“Like what?”
“Cora.” He uses my first name, and I have to pinch my lips together to keep them from trembling. “I really did have fun with you, but we’ve fulfilled our obligations to each other. I’ve declared you the winner of the prank war, and I think it’s time for us to settle back into our lives before things were disrupted.”
The lump is so large in my throat that I can’t swallow.
He just told me I disrupted his life.
Seems to be a common trend between my family and now him. I don’t make their lives better, I disrupt it.
“Sure, no problem,” I tell him, looking at the ground and then at the rocking chair, even though I know I will never be his friend. I have all the friends that I need. Stupid me for thinking he might be something more. “Thanks again for coming over earlier to check on me.”
I wanted to apologize for how Winston treated him and how he was included in one of his grand master plans, but what’s the point? He doesn’t care.
In fact, I don’t really know why he showed up in the first place.
I didn’t need him there. I can take care of myself, and he knows this.
He nods, accepting my gratitude, then calls for Duke to go back in the house.
I guess we’re done.
Holding my head high, I turn and walk down the steps of his house. My chest aches, my heart feels like it’s been doused in liquid nitrogen and then hit with a hammer, and the tears I didn’t shed earlier for Winston and my family continually hurting me finally break free and streak down my face.
It turns out I’m used to not being chosen by them unless it’s to be a pawn in some plan they’ve devised, but I didn’t expect this from him. Not that I knew what to expect, but I thought it might have been the beginning of something great.
I guess not.
This odd, hollow feeling takes over inside me when I have these moments. Moments when I know no matter what, I’m not going to be loved, and I feel like the space is big enough to swallow me whole. Sometimes I just wish it would.
What about me is so unlovable?
What am I doing wrong?
As I make my way back to my house, I hear him shut the door between us, and I stumble in the darkness. It feels so final, but then again, I guess it is. I barely make it to my couch before I fold in half to hug myself and openly cry.
29
BRIGGS
Ididn’t think drawing the line in the sand between us would hurt her the way that it did.
I’ve gotten pretty good at reading her facial expressions over the past few months, and the way her eyes seemed to grow just a little bit larger on her face, how she rolled her lips between her teeth and breathed in through her nose just enough that her chest expanded were all it took for me to realize my words did damage.
