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Felicity
There was a lump in my throat the size of a strawberry that I hadn't been able to swallow since I was twelve.
My parents had put it there. I remember childhood as a play where my role was always to stand in the back, behind them. I just sort of started existing behind all their lights and glamour. There was an imposition to be great; somehow, I'd never broken out from under the weight of those expectations.
"He's been trying to control my life ever since I was a child," I typed, my fingers flying across the keys as if they were the only thing tethering me to sanity. "Why can't I just be my own person?"
His reply came almost instantly. "I'm here for you, Licia. Tell me what's wrong."
The words were all I needed for the flood to start gushing. "My dad, he just can't let go. He wants to control every aspect of my life, even my career. I landed a job at a great company, but it's not the one he wanted. Now, it's like I'm living in this constant struggle between his expectations and my dreams."
My favorite pastime was losing myself in the world of video games, specifically, Jungle Justice. It’s gotten much more interesting lately since I started talking to AaRogue, my virtual love interest. I'd never met him before, and didn't know the sound of his voice, but he seemed so familiar that I felt as if I'd known him for a long time.
AaRogue's avatar stood beside mine in the lush, virtual forest, and we were surrounded by towering trees that cast a dark shadow across the landscape.
"You've got to be true to yourself, Licia,” his message said. “If this is your passion, don't let anyone hold you back. What's the point of living someone else's version of your life?"
My fingers hesitated momentarily before continuing, reminding myself that he was a neutral character in my life, and telling him personal issues did not mean anything. "I just wish they understood. Working at this new company might not be their ideal, but it's where I belong. Their constant pressure, their expectations—it's suffocating."
Talking to AaRogue was calming. Somehow, he seemed to know the right things to say at the right time, and sometimes, I just wanted to melt into him. But at the same time, I wanted to take it slow. This was the internet, after all, and who knew what kind of weirdos were creeping around, looking for their next unsuspecting victim?
I didn't know what he looked like, and we'd never talked about going beyond the hypothetical walls of this video game. I was in no hurry to exchange phone numbers, and I got the feeling he was also okay with our current arrangement.
We directed our avatars to swim past a swamp designed to swallow whoever didn't know the magic words—a string of letters I'd discovered from playing the same game about a hundred times.
"I just think you have to put your foot down and stand up for yourself," AaRogue's reply popped up on the screen.
A small smile curved my lips. Duh, I know. I decided to change the topic. "How was work today?"
"Great," he said. "I couldn't stop thinking about you."
I blushed. I couldn't stop thinking about him, either, but I couldn't bring myself to type that. I tried not to be too forward with AaRogue because, if my history with men had taught me anything, it was that the minute you let your guard down, they would burst through that door like the Kool Aid Man and break you.
And I was certainly unwilling to go down that road again. The first time almost killed me.
"What were you thinking about?" I messaged instead.
Three dots were displayed on the screen to show he was typing. "Trying to decide if your voice is husky or high."
I chuckled. "Which did you choose?"
"Husky, definitely. Somehow, I can't imagine you sounding like Mickey Mouse."
A giggle escaped my mouth as my fingers moved over my keyboard. "Good choice." Talking with AaRogue has always been the highlight of my day. I looked forward to it with an alarming alacrity, counting the hours until I could go home and switch on our favorite game, Jungle Justice.
"It's always amazing talking with you, but I must go,” AaRogue wrote. I've got work in the morning, and I can't keep depending on coffee to get me through the day."
I yawned, realizing we'd been talking for hours, and I was tired as well. "Goodnight, AaRogue."
"Goodnight, Licia. Sleep well."
I smiled, waiting for his avatar to disappear before I exited the game, sending my avatar, Licia-point-oh, into a deep slumber. It’d taken me a while to admit that I liked AaRogue. He was sweet and funny, but my history with men was not the best. I'd taught myself to distrust them, and it had gradually transformed into a general distrust for both men and women alike.
Growing up, I never had many friends—just one or two people with whom I played video games. But when it happened, I realized with a rude awakening that the only thing I could trust was that no one could be trusted. I supposed it was easier for me to open up to AaRogue because we didn't know each other physically. It was kind of hard to betray someone you've never met, or even seen.
A lot of time has passed since then. This wasn’t to say that I trusted AaRogue, but now that I was older, I was always prepared for The Fuckening: when something was going so well, and I didn't trust it, and something finally went down, and I got to be like, “Ah, there it is.”
