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“They’re going to keep her overnight,” her mother tells me. “Just as a precaution.”
“Okay.” I look past them, anxious to get back to that room.
“We’re going to stay in a motel for a few days, help her get settled back in her dorm.” Her father’s got the glaring thing going on again, and I let out a short huff before facing him square on.
“I’m not going to hurt your daughter, sir. I care about her… a lot.” I can’t say the L-word to him before I’ve even told her. Care will have to do. But it’s so much more than that. “You can stop glaring at me. I may have fu—screwed up in the past, but I’m not doing that to her again.”
His jaw clenches, his nostrils flaring before he gives me a stiff nod. “She’s asking for you.”
“Thanks.” I wonder if I should shake his hand or some shit, but he’s already guiding his wife away, and I take my chance to hustle past them and find Caroline’s room.
She’s lying on her side, her arm tucked under her pillow and staring at the wall when I pad into the room.
“Hey.” I smile down at her, brushing the hair off her face.
She gives me a weak smile. She looks so pale and exhausted.
“Are you still in pain?”
“Just a little uncomfortable.” She sniffs. “They’ve given me meds.”
I go to reach for a chair to sit beside her, but the sadness washing over her face right now is killing me, so I move around the bed and gently get onto it.
The plan was to spoon her, but she rolls over, resting her head on my chest and clinging to my waist. I hold her close, pressing my lips against her forehead and wondering what I can say to make this better.
“It’s weird, you know… I… I can’t decide how to feel.” Her voice starts to wobble, and I resign myself to the fact that there will be tears. I will myself to handle them, because she needs to cry right now, and that’s okay. “Part of me is relieved that I don’t have to deal with pregnancy and motherhood right now, but then that just makes me feel guilty and sad because… I lost my baby.” She starts to cry against me, her body shuddering. “I’d finally decided to keep it, to go through with this whole thing. No matter who the father was, I was going to do this. I was gonna be a good mom and do right by this kid.”
“I know,” I croak, cupping the back of her head and kissing her wet cheek. “You would have been great.”
“So, why did I lose it, then?” she whispers.
“Because it wasn’t meant to be.” My voice is soft and gravelly. Emotion is clogging my windpipe, making it hard to speak. “Not this one. Not this time.”
Her head bobs, so I know she’s heard me, but her response is a pitiful cry. I hold her tight, surprised by the sting in my own eyes. Am I fighting tears because I hate seeing her hurting? Or is a small part of me feeling the loss for myself?
Because maybe just for a moment, I had pictured it. Pictured a baby in my arms—how small and delicate it would have been with a fuzz of orange curls and bright blue eyes. Maybe I’d imagined tying skates on their little feet when they were old enough and teaching them how to glide across the ice. Maybe I had dreamed about looking up from the ice and seeing Caroline and our kid waving at me from the corporate box while I got ready to play a heated game of hockey for my pro team.
Maybe I’d dreamed those things.
And maybe they hadn’t been as scary as I’d first imagined they would be.
Maybe they’d actually been kinda cool.
CHAPTER 47
CAROLINE
It’s been three days since I lost the baby, and I’m now back in my dorm. My parents left last night, and I’ve spent my day attending classes and finding out everything I have to catch up on. My professors have been very kind and concerned, which makes me think my dad must have contacted each and every one of them to explain the situation. I even got a free pass in one class, so that’s been a bit of a relief. I have some major catch-up reading to do this weekend, but that’s okay. I don’t feel like going out and partying hard.
Everything about my body still feels tender.
Can a heart be bruised?
I shake my head, sitting down on my bed and tucking my feet beneath me. Leilani should be back soon, and Casey said he’d pop over after his workout. He’s been the most attentive boyfriend in the world. It’s super sweet—and, okay, just a touch smothering, maybe? He’s treating me like fractured glass, but I guess I did bleed all over him. That whole incident shook him up big-time, and he’s desperate for me to be okay.
Which I am.
I will be.
