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Is that why she was crying? Or is it something else?
I should ask, but I’m so emotionally spent right now, all I can do is slump onto my bed.
Studying her face for a beat, I conclude that she actually might not have been crying. Her cheeks are dry, and her eyes aren’t rimmed red or anything. She was obviously just lost in thought over something, and I hope to God it wasn’t me.
Most likely it’s an assignment she’s struggling with. The girl likes to get top marks in everything, and she stresses big-time, overthinking shit in her relentless bid for A-pluses and 100 percents. Nothing makes her happier than being top of the class.
“Hey, I asked you a question, wahine. You’re supposed to respond.” A smile tugs at her lips and I blink, then let out this barking laugh that doesn’t even sound real.
“I just, uh…” Shedding my jacket, I stand to hang it up because she’ll tell me off if I don’t. My hands are shaking as I hook the coat hanger over the rail. “I went to see Casey.”
“What?” She bolts upright, her legs swinging over the edge of the bed. “Why?”
“Because I thought I should.”
She closes her eyes, shaking her head with one of those noises that parents make when they don’t know what to do with their wayward teenager.
I nearly tell her to shut up, but she starts talking before I can get the words out.
“Caroline, I thought you were going to keep this to yourself until you decided what to do?”
“I know.” I flick my arms wide. “But I can’t decide what to do, okay? I just wanted to see his face when I told him.”
She opens her eyes, her gaze making me feel two feet tall. I squirm and start fidgeting with my bracelets.
“Why him?” she mutters, but I can still hear her. I wince, wanting to argue that she was the one who encouraged me to go for it at the party. She was the one who nudged me toward him when I was too nervous to make a move.
But I don’t think that’s what she means, and?—
“So, how did it go?” Her voice is dry and unimpressed.
I purse my lips, then shrug…
Then I plunk onto the end of my bed with a soft whimper. “Like shit. I think. I don’t know.”
“What’d he say?”
“He was in shock, obvi.” I run two hands down my face, then pinch my chin as I stare at the wall and get the words out. “But then he chased me outside and told me he’d be there for me.”
Lani scoffs. “Yeah, right.”
“He gave me his number.” I yank my phone out of my back pocket and wave it in the air. “Told me to call him if I need him.”
Her frown changes from skeptical to curious. “Seriously?”
“Yeah.” I unlock my phone and check that it’s still there on my screen.
“Are you gonna call?”
“I don’t know.” Curling my fingers around the device, I clutch it to my chest and tip sideways, shuffling on the bed until my head reaches the pillow and I can curl into a ball. “This is such a shit show. This whole thing is…” I shake my head, tears blurring my vision. “I don’t know how to deal with this. What do I do? I know my options, but I just don’t know which one to take. Both are awful for different reasons.” I sniff, my voice turning high and squeaky. “No matter what I do, I feel like I’m gonna regret it. And maybe I shouldn’t have told him.”
My body starts to shudder, panic working through me in waves as I look ahead to my future and try to picture how much my life will change if I keep it and how I might feel if I don’t.
Lani sits on her bed, watching me cry. I can’t look at her face. I don’t want to try and work out what she’s thinking. I don’t like this distance between us. I can tell she’s unimpressed with what I’ve done today. She’s probably unimpressed with how loose I’ve been with guys, too, but doesn’t want to say it. She doesn’t sleep around, and I fully respect that. Maybe she’s the one with all the sense, and I deserve to pay this price for what I’ve done.
Shit!
I hate this!
