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She’s not, you dumb fuck. She wouldn’t have even spoken to you again if she wasn’t pregnant with your kid.
She was waiting for your phone call!
The battle in my head continues to rage as Caroline stands there, awkwardly shifting from one foot to the other while I try to form words.
“So… uh…” I trip and stumble over each syllable, frustrated with myself. I’ve just spent nearly two hours looking for her. To what? Just stand here like an idiot not saying anything?
It’s like she’s thinking the same thing. When she glances back up at me, her eyebrow rises, the look in her eyes so pointed that I feel like she’s sticking a sword through my face.
“I, um… I don’t…” I huff, resting my hand on the bookshelf and picking at the spine of a thick-ass book while saying the first dumb thing that pops into my head. “I know it’s only been a day, but have you had any thoughts on… what you want to do? Like with the… you know.” I point at her stomach. “Are you gonna… keep it?” I wince—this conversation is awkward as fuck.
She frowns, dropping her crossed arms to wrap them around her torso. She fists the sides of her sweater, her lips shaking a little when she opens her mouth to speak. “I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s stressing me out big-time, because I seriously don’t know. One second, I’m thinking terminate, and the next, I’m feeling sick and wondering if I can do that. I just… I can’t decide.” She blinks like maybe she’s fighting tears. Swiping a finger under her eye, she looks up at me and sniffs. “What do you think I should do?”
I jolt back like she’s slapped me. I wasn’t expecting my opinion to even matter. But now’s my chance. I could just come out and say it. “Get rid of the thing. Our lives will be ruined if you go through with this. I can’t be a dad. Don’t put that shit on me!”
But instead, I say, “It’s your body. You need to be the one to decide.”
She huffs, flicking her hand up with a scowl. “But it’s your baby too. You don’t even have an opinion?”
“I…”
Say it. Just say it.
With a soft sigh, I try to, but again, words I never planned slip out. “I want you to do what’s best for you.”
“So, you don’t care if you have a kid or not?”
Ouch. It’s like she’s trying to bait me with her snappy tone and fiery glare. I decide to play it cool, my shoulder hitching as I force out a soft reply. “If you decide to keep it, I will. I’ll care.”
Somehow I’ll show up. The thought sends black splotches scattering across my vision.
“And if I don’t?” Her voice is losing its venom, giving way to a mousy squeak that makes my chest hurt.
Reaching for her arm, I brush my fingers down it. “I’ll drive you to the clinic. I’ll stay with you while they do it.”
Her face goes an even whiter shade of pale.
“And if you keep it, I’ll drive you to every checkup and ultrasound and whatever other shit this baby needs. I’ve got your back, okay?”
My voice is sounding way more confident than I feel right now. I don’t even know how these words are coming out of me, but I’m fucking resolute over this. I will not abandon her. My sperm, my mess. I’m seeing this thing through. Even if it does send jolts of terrifying panic right through me. I won’t be my dad.
Caroline’s head starts to bob, almost erratically, and then she shudders, curling in on herself like this is all too much.
I get it.
I just wish I had the right words to make this better. But I’ve got nothin’.
“I’m scared.” Her voice catches. “No matter what I choose, I’m scared of the repercussions.”
She looks up at me then, her blue eyes large and glistening.
I want to take this away for her. For us.
But I still can’t find the words. Nothing I say will make this better, so I pull her into a hug, cupping the back of her head and nestling her into my shoulder.
She leans against me, her arms still curled around her middle, while I cocoon her in my embrace and rest my cheek against the top of her head.
CHAPTER 11
