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It’s actually not too hard. Sex with Casey yesterday has definitely put me in a better mood. It really released this pressure inside me. Although I can already feel it building again. Seriously, these horny hormones are a living beast that are impossible to control!
But when I slipped into bed last night, no amount of reliving my afternoon fun could take away the weight of the reality I’m facing. I’m horny as hell because I’m pregnant.
“I can’t believe I’m going to be joining you next year.”
Jolie says that every time we talk on the phone. She’s a senior in high school, and we grew up together. She’s my cousin who also happens to be one of my favorite people, and we’re more like sisters, in all honesty. We’re cuzsters. And I adore her cherub face and her smile that is so big, you can see her gums. She’s a skinny thing with a dorky awkwardness about her, but that only adds to her endearing charm.
“So, tell me about your week.” I nestle back into my pillows. “You find the guts to talk to Mr. Leather Jacket yet?”
“No.” She groans. “Ugh. He’s like a modern-day James Dean. And the fact that I’m comparing him to an actor from like the 1950s shows how incredibly uncool I am and how out of my league he is.”
“You always fall for the bad boys.”
“I know, right? What’s up with that? He’s just so incredibly sexy with his broody face and cut jaw and mussed-up hair and…” She groans again. “Why do I torture myself? Last I heard, he was hooking up with Jennifer Dubois, who is like a modern-day Audrey Hepburn. Her eyes are so big and beautiful, plus she has a great ass. I’ve got no chance with my squinty little retinas and pancake butt.”
I giggle and roll my eyes. “You are gorgeous. Don’t go down that path thinking someone else is better than you. She’s a girl in high school, same as you. You’re not better or worse, just different.”
“Okay, now you’re sounding like your mom.”
I make a face. “Really? Shutting up now.”
She laughs. “Anyway, tell me about you. Any hot hookups?”
“Nope.” The lie pops out faster than I can even think it. Like I can admit to her that I’m pregnant. She already thinks the fact that I’ve slept with more than one guy is scandalous. We’ve both been raised in homes where good, moral girls save themselves for marriage. There’s seriously nothing wrong with that. If anything, I can see the benefit of the whole “never having casual sex” thing. There’d definitely be no regrets, right? Thoughts of Ben and a couple other hookups flash through my mind—but when I got to college, I realized I didn’t want to live by that standard anymore.
So, I’ve experimented.
Had some fun.
Got pregnant.
Shit!
I swallow, willing my voice not to crack as I spin another fast one. “I’ve been too busy studying. They’re always throwing tests at us, and I have a couple big assignments due soon. I haven’t been partying as much lately.”
“Aw. Sad face.”
“No, it’s all right. Sometimes you’ve got to be a little bit good before you can be a little bit bad, right?”
She laughs like she gets it, but I’m sure she’s never done a bad thing in her life. I’m pretty sure she leaves that kind of shit up to me and then vicariously lives through my wrongdoings.
I wonder how she’d react if I told her the truth.
Shit. I can’t.
She might let it slip in front of my parents, and they’ll only find out if I decide to keep it. And even then, I’m pretty sure a third-trimester reveal isn’t a bad thing. Maybe I can even go somewhere else over the summer and they’ll never need to know.
That only works if you’re not keeping it.
I skim my hand over my belly, fisting my shirt as I consider my third option.
How could I do that to someone?
I mean, sure, I got lucky and ended up with a great family. But no matter how hard I try, I’ll never get over the fact that my birth parents didn’t want me. I have no idea what their reasons were to give me away. My biological mother wanted a closed adoption, which means we don’t know squat about her or my father. Was she young like me? Was she alone, or did they stick together?
Did either of them have red hair and freckles? The number of times I’ve asked myself that question is too many to count.
No matter how hard I try, I still find myself thinking about them, especially her.
