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Work is the last place I want to be today. My emotions are all over the place. Now that I’ve had time to process what happened with Bradley, I’m going through waves of anger that then turn to tears.
I’ve always considered myself smart. I got good grades in school. I’m about to take the bar exam to become an attorney. I read for fun. They may be filthy smut books, but those still count.
Despite all of that—and the warnings flashing like bright red sirens in my head when my father told me to go out with Bradley—I didn’t listen to my own gut. And if it hadn’t been for Bash, it could have ended badly.
A few times, I’ve wondered if Bradley is dead right now. And then I try to figure out if the possibility upsets me. If I’m disgusted that Bash may have killed the guy. Then, I started googling therapists because the thought of him doing that for me turned me on more than anything. Seriously, what is wrong with me?
I shouldn’t be attracted to Bash. He’s a cocky asshole who threatened to spank me. Like I’m some disobedient child. Rude.
Haven’t you always dreamed about a man who takes total control?
Ugh. I hate that inner voice. The one that always calls me out on my shit. Finding a man who takes control has always been my deepest fantasy. Not that I’ve had a lot of time to date over the years since law school is pretty intense, but the times I have, I’ve always felt disappointed.
Then I read dirty books about dominant men, and I want that. I want someone who will take care of me. Not financially. I’m going to become a lawyer—as much as I don’t want to—so I’ll be fine in that sense. What I want is more about not having to think so much. Not having to make decisions. I won’t be a doormat. I’m not weak. Or stupid. But I’d like to be able to hand over the reins to someone and know that they will always do what’s best for me. For us.
The way Bash stepped in and took over last night. Then this morning, when my brother was freaking out. I felt completely safe with him. And as much as I want to spew a bunch of bullshit to him about his thoughts on spanking me, that’s all it would be. BS. I’ve never been spanked before, but I’ve fantasized about it more than once. About the pain. I’ve wondered how it would feel compared to the pain I’ve caused myself over the years. Would it satisfy the need? Would it give me the release I seek?
I keep myself busy, wiping down the coffee bar, organizing sugar packets, and refilling espresso beans. The fresh smell of a new bag of beans always gives me a boost of dopamine. Potent and rich. The scent alone is almost a caffeine rush. I’ll never understand people who don’t like coffee.
Since I’m working the afternoon shift, the shop isn’t busy. My coworker sits at one of the tables doing homework. She’ll pop up whenever a customer comes in to help, but the owner doesn’t mind us doing schoolwork during the slow times. It’s been a blessing because working and going to classes doesn’t leave a lot of time for assignments. I’m looking forward to the break I have coming up next week. Then, just two more quarters of this to get a degree I never wanted.
You’ll be a lawyer. You can join my firm, and I’ll make you rich. If you don’t go to school to become a lawyer, I’m not paying your tuition. Rich men love an attractive attorney. They’ll pay you anything you ask.
My stomach clenches, and waves of nausea hit me as my father’s words play in my mind. I might become an attorney, but I will never work for my father’s firm. He belittled me enough growing up. I know his own father was tough on him and that’s why he is the way he is, but it still hurts. So, while I’ll be an attorney, I’ll find my own path.
He hasn’t called to check on me today. To ask how things went with his good friend, Bradley. I’m sure he’s busy with work. Maybe he’ll call me tonight. Maybe I’m hoping he’ll suddenly care or show interest in my life other than things I can do for him.
I wish I hadn’t let my father stop me from seeing Kieran more. When I was younger, I believed all the things he told me. “He’s a gangster. He’s a criminal. He’s ruthless.” I let his opinion of Kieran sway my own feelings for the longest time. My brother might be a mobster, but his heart is gold. He would do anything for me. I don’t know why I kept the fact that I moved out from him. Yeah, he would freak out over the area and do a bunch of stuff to make my place more secure, but isn’t that what I want? Someone to take care of me? He’s my brother, so it’s a totally different thing, but also kind of not.
I swipe the tears gathering in my eyes and pull my phone out of my back pocket. First, I find Bash’s name in the contacts.
Chloe: Thank you for being there today with my brother.
After that, I find Kieran’s name.
Chloe: I love you, Kier. Would you be up for a movie night tonight?
The doorbell jingles, and when I look up to greet the customer, the words get caught in my throat.
“You rang, baby girl?” Bash gives me that smug smile of his as he saunters toward me.
“What are you doing here?”
He winks at me, and the citrus scent of his cologne surrounds me like a soft blanket. I need to find out what he wears and buy a bottle.
Because that’s not weird, Chloe.
I internally roll my eyes. I’m so annoying sometimes.
“I came to see you. And ask what you’re doing after work.”
My mouth goes dry, and suddenly I’m self-conscious about my appearance. Here he is in a full suit while I’m in a pair of ripped skinny jeans that are a size too small, a black Rolling Stones tee that I got from a thrift store, and a pair of yellow Converse. My hair is in a high ponytail, but I know without looking in the mirror that it’s not neat and tidy like it was this morning.
“Little girl, I asked you a question,” he murmurs.
I tilt my head back to look at him. His eyes are sparkling and his lips… damn, his lips are nice. How is it possible to be this hot? What did he call me? Little girl. My tummy does a fluttery thing, and all my muscles tighten in my core.
“I, um, why do you want to know?”
