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I abandoned her.
“Brant.”
Kip’s worried voice pulls me back to the front lawn. My eyes are blurred with tears as I blink at him, inhaling a shuddering breath of regret. “I think I fucked up, Kip.”
Empathy shines back at me, and I’m so glad there’s no trace of pity.
I couldn’t handle it.
“You did what you needed to do,” he says.
My head whips back and forth. “For myself. I was selfish.”
“Grief is selfish. There’s no shame in that.” Kip sighs, his shoulders relaxing as he takes a small step forward. “Listen…everyone reacts to trauma differently. There’s no right or wrong way to heal. Some people need time and space to process, to grieve alone, and some people, like me, need to stay busy. Social and useful.”
“There is a wrong way,” I counter, my eyes panning back to June, who is kneeling in the grass, bent over a flower bed. “The wrong way is the way that drags other people down with you.”
“No.” He shakes his head. Adamantly. “You’re not responsible for the way others react to what you need to do to get better.”
I allow his words to sink in, giving me the smallest pocket of peace.
My intentions were pure.
I wasn’t actively trying to hurt anyone. I was doing what I thought I needed to do to keep June from careening into a downward spiral because I wasn’t mentally strong enough to fight my grief over losing Theo and my grief over loving June in a way I should never dream of loving her.
It was too much all at once.
It was too fucking much.
Kip follows my stare to where June sifts the parched soil with gloved hands, rubbing the back of his neck. “She’ll be okay. She’s stronger than you think,” he tells me gently.
“Have you, uh…” I scratch at my hair, shuffling my feet. “Have you been spending a lot of time with her?”
I hate that my knee-jerk reaction is jealousy when it should be appreciation.
Kip is here, and I’m not.
That’s my fault.
He senses the underlying question and quickly dismisses it. “I wouldn’t do that.” When I look back at him, he’s frowning a little, almost hurt by the subtle insinuation. “I wouldn’t do that to you, or to Theo. Please know that.”
“I didn’t mean—”
“You did,” he says, but he’s not mad. Just firm. “You did, but it’s okay. As long as you know I’d never cross that line. I’m here to help, not make things worse.”
I swallow. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be.” Kip inhales deeply, ducking his chin to his chest. “I know you two have a lot of…history.”
There’s a word for it.
Shame engulfs me, knowing Kip saw what we did in that country club hallway. He knows my dirty little secret.
Still, there’s no judgment pouring out of him.
No sense of disapproval.
He continues. “I don’t blame you for moving out and getting away after everything that happened. I think you had to. For your own well-being, and for hers, too…even if she doesn’t see it.”
