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I cross my arms over my chest. “Do we have to do this?”
“By this, you mean talk about our relationship?”
“We’re not…” I press my lips together, rub my palm over my mouth, then slide it backward until I’m rubbing the back of my neck. “Can’t we just… live in the moment? Just for now. We’re already in this mess with the marriage thing, and now we’re sleeping together and…” I let out a growl of frustration at the hint of panic in my voice. If I can hear it, he can hear it. And he’s not allowed to hear it. “It’s so much. It’s so fucking much! And maybe we could just have this one thing that’s easy for now, and maybe we don’t have to make it something real and official and… even bigger. Okay?”
He looks down at his hands, and his shoulders tense. It takes a long time for him to look at me again, but when he does, he doesn’t seem disappointed or pissed. I don’t know what to make of it.
“Easy,” he repeats. Calmly.
I have no idea what he’s thinking, but it’s pretty interesting how the way he says “easy” makes me feel ridiculously uneasy. Because he looks determined. Like I’ve just issued a challenge.
That’s not good.
I swallow through the dryness in my throat.
“Yeah,” I say. “Look, if you just give yourself some time to think about it, you’ll see it’s best if we keep things simple.”
He nods. Still eerily calm.
“We really don’t need to make each other any promises or anything,” I continue.
“Mmm,” he hums in acknowledgment. I don’t know what that “Mmm” means, and I’m definitely too much of a coward to ask.
“We’re still in college. Who even wants serious when they’re still in college?” I say. “It’s the time people explore, and that’s what we’ve been doing. Because we’re supposed to. You have to experiment and find out who you are and what you want.” Each subsequent word that leaves my mouth becomes slightly fainter than the last. I brave a glance at him. “Right?”
He gives a slow nod. “Right.”
“So we should keep it casual.”
Because if I repeat it enough it becomes true.
I’ll superglue the word casual to my brain.
Beat it into my head.
So once this is over? Once Ryker comes to his senses? Once he’s done with me?
It’ll hurt less.
“So…” I lick my lips and shrug when he still hasn’t said anything. “We’re on the same page. That’s good.”
“Not sure about the same page,” he says, not quite tightly, but not quite not tightly either. “But I hear what you’re saying.” He gestures between the two of us. “This is fun. We’re experimenting. And we don’t want anything too serious. Because this? Us? It’s casual. Did I get it right?”
The words could sound mocking, but Ryker recites them with the kind of calm he usually has about him. Besides, Ryker doesn’t mock. He’s not malicious or cruel. He doesn’t have it in him.
I simply nod in response.
He’s quiet for another moment.
“Okay,” he says, and gets up. He gets dressed and gathers his things, and we’re both silent, and it’s tense.
“Will you be at the library later?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I say.
“Your usual spot?”
I nod wordlessly.
