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“He’s asleep,” she says in a hushed voice like she’s afraid she’ll wake him otherwise. She comes and stands in front of me and then, without any warning, she’s hugging me. I stand awkwardly with my arms by my side. That does not deter her in the least, so eventually, I pat her on the back a few times. She finally pulls away and sends me a watery smile.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get so emotional, but it’s… Well, it’s been a day.”
I nod.
She squeezes my arm.
“Thank you for being here.”
I nod again.
“And thank you for being so calm. It really helped,” she adds.
Was I calm? Because I feel like I’m this close to completely losing my shit. My hands are shaking. My heart is shaking. I can’t seem to breathe properly.
I have no fucking idea where she got the idea that I was calm.
“Do you need me to help you find a place to stay for the night? Or are you going back home? It’s so late, I don’t think it’s a good idea to drive.”
I make a noncommittal sound in the back of my throat. “I’m fine,” I mutter.
She squeezes my arm once more.
“I’m going to a hotel,” she says.
I wait until she disappears around the corner before I head to Ryker’s room. I hover at the door before I very slowly open it, trying not to wake him.
He’s not asleep, though. He’s lying on the bed, feet elevated, upper body propped up against the pillows, staring out the window into the night with seemingly single-minded determination.
“Go to the hotel, Mom,” he says, voice rough like sandpaper and completely toneless. “I don’t need anything else right now. Go and rest.”
I try to speak, but the words don’t seem to come out, so instead of trying to yank them out with force, I walk closer until I reach his bed. He closes his eyes for a moment before he opens them and turns his head. His tired gaze finds mine and holds.
“Hi,” I say hoarsely.
He doesn’t say anything. Streetlights from outside cast shadows on the wall and on the bed and on his face. The smell of antiseptic hangs heavily in the air.
“So you heard.” He looks down at his elevated leg and then at me again. “Good news does travel fast.”
I walk closer until my thighs touch the side of his bed.
“How… how are you?” I ask.
“Oh, you know. Great,” he bites out in a tone that is so uncharacteristically hard that it doesn’t even sound like Ryker.
“Okay. Dumb question,” I say. “Got it.”
His hands ball into fists on the white bedsheets, and then he uncurls them very slowly and very deliberately.
“Sorry,” he mutters.
“It’s okay.”
Silence descends between us. The kind that’s never been there before. The uncomfortable kind.
“I’m basically fucked.” His voice is sudden and hard. I snap my gaze to him. His remains on his thigh.
“You don’t know that.”
