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Silence falls between us, rife with questions.
“You can ask, you know,” I say.
He’s silent for another moment before he blurts, “Why, though? Did genetics really matter so much that he’d just cut all contact with you? He was your dad. That really meant nothing? What the fuck?”
I have to smile at the anger in his voice that increases with every word that passes his lips. It’s nice to have somebody in my corner. It’s been such a long time since anybody was here that there are cobwebs everywhere.
“I think in this specific case genetics matter a great deal,” I say. “Want to know who my biological father is?”
He sends me a surprised look. “You know?”
“I do.”
“Well?” he asks.
“It’s John’s brother,” I say.
He blinks and goes very still. “John has a brother?”
“Oh, yeah. Uncle Scott. Makes sense you wouldn’t know about him. You know, seeing that they were estranged by then on account of Scott knocking Mom up.”
“No shit,” he says dryly. There’s another beat of silence. “How did that happen?”
I sigh and rub my nose.
“I don’t know all the details. It’s not like anybody specifically took their time to sit me down and explain it to me, but I’ve pieced things together over the years. Apparently, Scott was always the cool brother. Very charismatic. Good grades without ever really trying. The star quarterback in high school. Went to Yale. Rubbed elbows with future senators and judges and such. Then he invested at just the right moment and made a ton of money.
“After that, he kicked back, traveled the world, dated all the hottest models, socialites, actresses, and so on. John was always jealous. He was… I guess he grew into himself? But according to my grandmother, he was an awkward child and even more awkward as a teenager. Something like where Scott was the king of the school, and John was the weird, loser brother. My grandparents really didn’t help. They were always going on and on about Scott. John would get a promotion, and we’d go out to celebrate, and they’d be all, ‘Oh, the head of the IT department? That’s nice, dear. Scott just bought a villa in Italy and is flying us over!’ That kind of thing. I don’t think John ever really felt like he measured up.”
I blow out a breath.
“Probably is pretty demoralizing in the long run. Anyway, John was always trying to prove himself, but… I suppose if you keep comparing yourself to somebody else, you can always find ways in which you fall short. Around the time when everything finally collapsed, he was trying to get his company off the ground, so he was under a lot of stress and shit. And we were endlessly downsizing because every last cent he and Mom had went into the company. Mom was not happy, and she wasn’t exactly supportive. We sold our house and moved to a small apartment. Sold both cars. Didn’t even have any money for things like cable anymore, let alone any other kind of entertainment. And Scott had just bought a private jet. And then John found out Mom had had an affair with Scott right before they got married, and… he demanded a paternity test.”
I clutch the edge of the bench and stare at the ice.
“I think… Mom became kind of like a trophy to John? The one and only thing he’d ever won over Scott. They’d both asked her out, and she’d picked John. I guess he could handle everything else that came with being Scott’s brother if he only got that one thing for him. And then it turned out that wasn’t exactly the case and that she’d eventually stayed with John only because she found out she was pregnant with me, and Scott pretty much freaked out when she told him, so she chose between an overgrown man-child who didn’t want anything to do with her or his kid, and the man who was heads over heels in love with her, promised to take care of her, and didn’t suspect a thing.”
Ryker mulls over it for the longest time.
“That doesn’t make it right!” he finally snaps. “That doesn’t make any of it right.”
I ran out of anger a long time ago, so I have nothing to really offer in that department.
“It’s funny, you know? John was always a much better man. At least I thought so back then. I was barely twelve, but I never liked Scott. He was unreliable and selfish and careless and sort of casually cruel. He gave a lot of backhanded compliments and always boasted about pointless stuff like how many vintage cars he had. Or he’d do that thing where he asked for your advice about whether he should buy a penthouse in Miami, and the only reason he asked was to make it clear that he could afford it and you couldn’t. If I’d been given a chance, I would’ve picked John over him every time.”
I feel like I should take up smoking just so I have something to do with my hands.
“I still didn’t hate him,” I say quietly. “He was trying so hard to get rid of me. All those court cases about how he shouldn’t pay any child support because I wasn’t his… I didn’t even care that much. Kind of turned numb to all of that. And then Bowie got sick.” I look down at my idle fingers and think about smoking some more. “And the surgery was, like, three thousand bucks, and Mom didn’t have the money. I figured he’d help. If I asked.”
“But he didn’t,” Ryker says slowly. He looks startled for some reason. Like something unexpected has just clicked for him.
I shake my head. “I pleaded and begged and promised he’d never have to see me again if he only did that one thing for me.” I stare into the distance for a moment, transported back into the past. Eventually, I shake my head. “Anyway, guess it was a good business decision to say no. I couldn’t even look at him after that anymore, so he got what he wanted for free.”
I watch his fingers curl into fists before he stretches them out and then slams his palms against his thighs.
“Fuck!” he snaps. “Fuck, fuck, fuck! That’s why you stopped coming around altogether. That’s why. I’d watch you from my window when Sandra dropped you off. You waited for her to drive away and then took off.”
I nod.
