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“Not agitated,” I say. “I’m mad.”
“Okay, let’s talk about it,” she prompts.
“This friendship thing you asked me to do ... it was cruel.”
She furrows her brow. “Why do you say that?”
“Because I’m not capable of doing it, of just being friends with someone, and I feel like as a therapist, you should have known that.”
And because of that, I’ve hurt someone I care about more deeply than I’ve ever cared about anyone.
Lucy. Every time I think of her face yesterday as she was getting out of the pool, when she told me she didn’t want to see me again, I feel sick. Like, actually sick to my stomach.
I don’t know why I went swimming. I shouldn’t have. I should have given myself more time to think, more time to figure this out before talking to her.
But I could picture her there, walking into the rec center, not finding me, and swimming laps without me—the thought of it pained me. I couldn’t just leave her there. I didn’t even want to.
What I want to do is go back in time and not let that kiss happen. I want to go back to before that. Even if it was probably the best kiss of my life.
I’ve kissed plenty of women—more than I can count, really. But not once did it ever feel like that. Maybe because with the others, the only thing I felt was attraction, a means to an end. With Lucy, I felt more. Something deeper. And I hate myself for it. Why couldn’t I stop myself? Why didn’t I pull away after she kissed me?
Gloria clears her throat. “Okay,” she says. “However, if you remember correctly, I didn’t say to form some sort of relationship with the person. I just asked you to befriend someone, no ulterior motives attached. To get to know them as a person, and not with the expectation of something more.”
“Yes, and I’m clearly not capable of that.”
“Can I assume we’re talking about Lucy?”
Her name out of Gloria’s mouth causes an empty feeling to take over my stomach. I nod, leaning forward on the couch, my elbows resting on the tops of my knees.
“Tell me what happened.”
“I’m sure you can guess. We kissed. I ... kissed her.”
“Okay,” she says. “Why did you kiss her?”
“Because ...” I stop myself, so many things running through my mind. Because I wanted to. Because I was holding her so close to me. Because I can’t control myself.
“Yes?” Gloria says, nudging me to continue.
I let out a breath, slowly. “Because I guess I wanted to.”
“All right, why did you want to?”
I lean back against the couch. “I’ve already told you. Because I’m incapable of being friends with a woman.”
“Are you attracted to her?”
“Yeah, of course.” How could I not be? Lucy isn’t just beautiful—she’s so much more than that. She has this incredible ability to make me laugh like nobody else can, with her witty banter and her funny jabs. She makes the ordinary extraordinary just by being ... her.
She’s also ridiculously competitive, which can be both maddening and endearing. She’s got this passionate spirit that’s contagious. I love how she fully commits, making all the challenges we did even more entertaining.
And when she listens to me, it’s with her whole heart. She’s genuinely interested in what I have to say. I don’t know if I’ve ever been around someone who gets me like she does.
“And did you feel that attraction from the beginning?” Gloria asks.
I think about that for a minute. “I mean, I recognized she’s pretty. But no, in the beginning I didn’t have any feelings like that toward her. She was my friend.”
“And when did it change?”
