Page 37 of Fighting for His Life

“We find her,” I say. “Tell Rory.”

I end the call and stare at it for a long time. I can count on both hands the amount of times I remember ever crying in my entire life. Most of which happened as a kid after getting hurt. I cried when my grandpa died when I was thirteen. I cried when I thought Zoey was going to die.

When I feel the first tears fall, I viciously try to wipe them away. But they don’t stop. They fall until I am sobbing. I couldn’t protect her. I couldn’t protect the baby I didn’t know about. I’m fucking twenty-three years old, and I’m pretty sure I’ve lost everything.

I pull out the letter Zoey left for me. I haven’t read it yet. I’ve been too afraid of what it will say.

I know to someone else it may seem ridiculous and weak for her to take off like she has. Zoey is not weak, though, but her heart is so soft, kind, and gentle. That someone disgusting bastard did this to her when she tries so hard to see the beauty in everyone and everything would be devastating to her. To lose our baby because of what happen is killing her.

I open the letter slowly with shaking hands and slowly read the words that make my world fall apart.

Zoey

Dear Jax,

I found out after I was sick those first couple of weeks here that I was pregnant. I know we were talking about it . Planning it. Maybe it sounds stupid because we’re both still so damn young - you just started your professional career, and I have another year of school left, but I was so excited. There was a piece of you growing inside me.

It’s been hard keeping it a secret. I’ve wanted to tell you everyday since I found out, but I wanted to do it in person. I wanted to look you in the eyes when I told you that we were having a baby.

I was so excited to come home. I was finally going to tell you.

I guess I shouldn’t have waited so long.

I’m so sorry, Jay. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you as soon as I found out. I was twelve weeks by the way. I’m sorry I didn’t get on the first flight out of here. I’m sorry I didn’t come home as soon as I found out.

It’s my fault that you’ll never meet your baby.

I’m broken now, Jax. I can’t let you see me like this. I can’t let anyone see me like this.

I don’t just mean the bruises. I mean the shame and the guilt. How can I face you like this? I’ll never be Zoey again. That sick bastard took everything from me.

I know it makes me weak and pathetic. I’m running as soon as something bad happens to me. A few hours later, and I already can’t handle it. It makes me a coward. It makes me a horrible person to give up so easily. But this is the worst thing. How could you possibly keep loving me knowing I’m tainted like this? I know you’d try, and you’d never leave me no matter how much you’d want to.

I won’t let it get that far. I’m not going to make you see the exterior bruises or the internal bleeding. I’m not going to let you try to love me when I am so utterly broken. You deserve more and better because in the span of a few minutes, I was broken, Jax. Irreparably so, and you would only try to fix me.

I love you. I love you more than my own life. I have loved you since I knew what love was. Probably even before that.

I will always love you. There will never be another person who will hold my heart. It’s yours forever, but that’s not the life you should have. You need someone who hasn’t been touched by darkness. You deserve the light that I’ve always tried to bring you.

I won’t ever let you go from my memory or my heart, but I need you to let me go. Please don’t try to find me. I learned a few things watching my boys over the years. I know you tried to hide all of it from me, but I still picked up a few things. I’ll figure out how to hide for a little while. By the time you find me, you’ll be happy and in love with someone else.

Don’t blame yourself. Don’t ever think you weren’t enough. You’re more than enough. You’re everything. And that’s why I have to let you find someone who deserves what you have to give.

All I ask is that some day you can forgive me for not being stronger. For not being braver.

Love always,

Zoey

Almost one year later

I rub my tired, bleary eyes as I continue to stare at the movie playing on the computer screen. I should go to bed. I should sleep. But every time I try, sleep evades me, or nightmare wake me up.

Maddox walks into the room, sitting next to me. “What are you watching?” he asks while placing a kiss on my cheek.

I don’t answer with more than a lift of my shoulders. He’s used to it.

“Penny for your thoughts,” he says while sipping on his glass of Crown, something he's not supposed to have.

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