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I flinch at his words but know they’re true. I am so very broken. The fact that Jax recognizes it, makes it that much more real.
“Mr. McCabe, you shouldn’t refer to her as broken,” Dr. Thompson says gently.
I stop rocking and look up to all of them. “Why shouldn’t he say it?” I ask out of a genuine curiosity that surprises me.
“Because you’re not broken, Zoey. You’ve been deeply hurt and traumatized, but you’re not broken.”
I shake my head in disagreement. I recognize the psychobabble. “I am broken. I am utterly, irreparably broken. Jax is the only one stating the facts.”
He turns back to me. His face shines with warmth, love, and hope. “I said broken, Angel. I never said we couldn’t put the pieces back together. You’re not beyond repair. You never will be.”
I notice the doctor observing us. I wondering what she thinks. I wonder if she thinks I was crazy from the beginning by walking away from this man who is so totally, utterly devoted to me. I wonder if she thinks we have a dangerous level of codependency.
Suddenly, I struck by the idea that I want to talk to her. But not about what happen. Not about my mental or emotional health. I want to talk to her about Jax. And about Zane. I want to know how she views these two alpha males in my life who play very different roles.
I think maybe she knows what I’m thinking when she gives me the smallest of smiles. Then turns her focus back to conversation. “Here is what I want to do,” she says speaking to all of us. “I understand that you two need to get back home. That you have responsibilities that you can’t neglect. I also understand that you want Zoey back home with you. I am well aware that there are plenty facilities in River City that are more than qualified to help Zoey.”
“But?” Zane questions feeling the same thing I am.
“But,” she continues, “I feel that it is Zoey’s best interest to stay here for at least a couple of weeks.”
Jax and Zane both move to argue with her causing more anxiety flare in my body. I don’t want to be the distraction in their lives. “She’s coming home,” Zane says with a low menacing voice. “She’s been gone long enough. I’ve already got my lawyer working on it.”
I see the doctor bite on her lip. She contemplating her next words carefully. I can already see Jax and Zane are not going to like what she says. I think they can too because they both look ready to raise hell.
“Mr. Valen, Zoey is on suicide watch. She is severely depressed and has an extreme case of PTSD. None of that makes her unfit or unable to make her own decisions. As a doctor, I can get an order to hold her for fourteen or thirty days if I feel she is at risk of self-harm. It does not mean she is incompetent. By Zoey’s own admission, she was well aware of what she was trying to accomplish a few nights ago. She needs intense therapy and medication. None of that would cause a judge to hand over guardianship to you.”
Zane’s face turns red with anger. Jax’s fist clench at his sides. I reach for his wrist pulling him to me. His face instantly softens when he looks at me. “I can’t leave you again. I promised you and myself.”
“I won’t run this time,” I promise him shocking myself that I mean it.
“I can’t leave you, baby. Not again. I shouldn’t have left before. I should’ve turned this fucking city upside down to find you.”
I shake my head at him. “You didn’t leave me, Jay. I left you. You wouldn’t have found me because I didn’t want to be found. I don’t know if I’m ready to be found, but I know I can’t keep hurting you. And I know that I need you. I always have but I was selfish because I didn’t want to see what all of this was doing to you. Or to Zane.”
He crumbles to the chair beside me laying his head on the bed. I can see the defeat in his shoulders. Defeat he shouldn’t be feeling. “Jax, if I come home now, you still won’t be able to be with me twenty-four hours a day. Neither will Zane. You both have practice and appearances that you have to attend. You have games that you have to go out of town for.”
“Are you saying you’re going to stay here, Zo?” Zane asks in a whisper. I can see the hurt and defeat on him as well.
“I need help,” I admit. “I don’t want it. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to think about any of this, but I know I need to. I need to do it for you. For both of you. If I don’t then I know next time, there won’t be any miracles to be had.” I see them both wince at my words, but they need to understand. “I know that’s not what you want to hear. I love you, Zane. You’re my twin brother. We’ve shared everything our entire existence. Even best friends. You were my first best friend. Jax, you know you are my heart and soul. Breathing hurts without you. But right now, living hurts. I’m sorry, but you both need to understand the truth. And the truth is I am willing to try to get better for both of you. I’ve hurt you and let you continue to hurt for far too long. I’ve been selfish by running because I didn’t want to watch you two suffer with me. But make no mistake, I am doing it for you.” I look to the doctor making sure she is hearing every word I say. “I have taken enough psychology classes to know that I’m supposed to be doing this for myself but doing it for myself won’t work because I don’t want it for myself. I just want to lay down and die. I am going to try for the sake of my boys. I’m going to try to be unselfish for them because I’ve let them hurt and grieve for a year. I know they need me, so I am going to try for them.”
“Alright, Zoey,” Dr. Thompson replies. “As long as you’re open to help, the rest will fall into place.” She turns back to Zane, then Jax. “Whether you realize it or not, Zoey staying here is for the best. No matter where she would’ve went, the two of you wouldn’t be allowed to visit her for the duration of her stay. At least here, you won’t feel stressed knowing she’s so close and you can’t see her.”
Zane scoffs at her assessment. Jax looks a little sad. “Dr. Thompson do you have any brothers or sisters? Have you ever been in love?” Jax asks her sincerely.
The doctor looks taken aback by the questions. I suddenly understand the sad look that Jax was giving her. I can’t help but wonder how he knew, but it’s not a surprise when she answers no.
“Then you obviously wouldn’t know that this won’t be easier no matter where she’s at. We haven’t seen her in a year. We’ve lost valuable time that we can’t get back. Now we have to walk away from her again.”
“I’m so-" she begins but Jax stops her with an out turned palm. “I don’t want apologies. I’ve already told them. Now I’m telling you. There has been too many I’m sorrys lately. Just help our girl.”
She nods and leaves the room.
Zane is still standing in the same spot looking a little sheepish. “I – uh,” he stammers before Jax cuts him off. “I meant what I said, Zee. No more. They don’t change anything, and they don’t fix anything.”
His words cut straight through me because no one has done more harm than me. I know he’s right, but that doesn’t make his statement any less hurtful. Not that I deserve less. But I suddenly find myself curling back into myself. My walls slam down with hurricane like force. I turn over in my bed, my eyes finding the window again.
“Shit, Zoey,” he says distraught. “I didn’t mean it that way.” He touches my shoulder, but I move from under his hand. “Fuck,” he mutters.
