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I watch him head in the direction of the bathroom. The muscles in his back flex beneath his tight black tee as he moves. A jolt of lust shoots straight to my core.
Followed by a wave of nausea.
I wonder if he is expecting sex. He knows that I didn’t stay celibate anymore than he did this past year. But there are things he doesn’t know. Things we will have to talk about.
I don’t want to disappoint him. I want to make love to the love of my life. I want it to be like before. But I’m afraid. And tonight? I’m not sure I’m ready.
Jax reappears in front of me reaching for my hands. My heart races with nerves and worry as he leads me into the bedroom. But then we continue through into the bathroom.
My breath leaves me as I take in the candles lit throughout the room on the vanity and around the tub. The tub is full of steaming water with bubbles flowing over. The aroma of lavender fills the room.
“Lift your arms,” Jax says in a rough voice. I do as he says, letting him remove my sweatshirt. He moves to my leggings placing soft kisses across my belly as he moves them down my legs. My breath hitches as he lowers my panties, placing kisses on my hips and down my legs again. He moves back up to my bra releasing my breast revealing my hard nipples. He brushes a thumb across my nipple sending chills throughout my body.
“You’re so damn beautiful,” he whispers into my ear as he lifts me into his arms before lowering me into the tub.
He kneels beside the tub as I relax back into the water. Tension and anxiety seem to melt away. It hits me that this? This is exactly what I need. I need his tenderness. I need his love. It’s healing me, and I was oh so foolish to ever leave.
“Want to talk about what happen at my parents?” he asks brushing a piece of hair from my face.
I grab his hand from my face, placing a kiss to his palm. “It’s hard to explain,” I say. “I guess you could call it over stimulation. Too much at one time for too long. I start to feel like my skin is too tight and itchy.”
We lace our fingers together as he looks thoughtful for a moment. “Itchy for more than just time alone, huh?”
I look away from him. I knew he could see it. That he knew what was going on. But it embarrasses me all the same when he says it out loud. I’m ashamed of myself, and it is yet one more thing added to the long list of things I’m ashamed of.
With my chin between his thumb and forefinger, he turns me to look at him. “Don’t do that. Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed around me. Don’t hide from me, Zoey.”
I let out a self-deprecating laugh. “I have dealt with everything so fucking well. Haven't I?” I grumble pulling my knees to my chest.
“I’d say we all handled what happen badly,” he drags a finger across my collarbone. “No more hiding though.”
“You don’t understand, Jax. All of this is on me. Any choices you made were the results of my actions. I went to New York. I decided to meet with Maddox. I decided to walk to the damn restaurant. I chose to run away. I chose to use whatever drug I could find to make it hurt less, and I chose to get those drugs however I could.” The last part comes out as a sob. I don’t want to feel this way but there’s no stopping it.”
His jaw clenches, the muscles in his neck cording tightly. He grabs my face again, a little more forcefully this time. “Dammit, Zoey, stop. All of that is not your fault. And nothing that I did is your damn fault. Just like you chose to run, to turn to drug to ease your pain. I chose to drink and fuck mine away. Then I decided to see if I could move on from you knowing good and damn well that I wouldn’t be able to and in the process of that, I hurt a really nice girl. But stop blaming yourself for things you couldn’t control, and I will do the same.”
I just sit there quietly without saying a word. I try to process his words. To find a way to stop blaming myself for everything that has gone wrong in my life. Part of me realizes, logically at least, that there was no way for me to know what some sick bastard would do. The way I handled it is all on me. I also logically realize the same applies to Jax, but I can’t help the guilt and the responsibility that weighs me down knowing his decisions would’ve been very different had I chosen to handle things differently.
He suddenly moves to stand. Shucks off his shoes, then climbs into the bath with me fully clothed. A shocked gasp escapes me. “What are you doing?” I ask.
“Do you remember when we were in eighth grade? It was Christmas break, and it snowed for the first time in years. Just slush, but it was snow all the same to us.”
“I wanted to go to the creek to see if it was frozen,” I add, remember the day like it was yesterday.
“When we got there, I convinced you to climb the old oak like we did in the summer. It was slick from the frozen precipitation on the limbs.”
“And I fell.”
“And you fell. Into the fucking ice-cold water. You spit and sputtered trying to come to the surface, but the cold took your breath away the minute you hit the water.”
“You jumped in after me. If you hadn’t, I might not be here today.”
“If I hadn’t convinced you to climb that damn tree, you wouldn’t have fallen in the first place.”
Guilt. I see it clearly in his eyes. The blame he carries for what happen all those years ago. Blame that doesn’t belong to him. He may think he convinced me to climb the tree, but really all he did was ask if I wanted to. Then he gave me a boost, helping me scurry up the ice-slicked tree.
“Jax, th-,” I begin before he cuts me off.
“Did you know that Zane and I knew you snuck off to that party with Maddox? Zane wanted to go after you, but I was a jealous jackass. I was pissed because you were spending so much time with Maddox. I was pissed that you snuck out to be with him. I told him that you wanted to go that we should leave you alone and let you suffer the consequences. When Maddox called Zane – when we found you at that party unconscious – I blamed myself for not going after you in the first place.”
