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“What’s going on, Zoey?” Jax asks, his uncanny ability to read me making itself apparent again, even in the dark. “Something is on your mind. What is it?”
I place a kiss to his chest, right over his heart then pull away from him. I sit up in the bed cross-legged, putting several inches between us. I take a deep breath as I prepare to tell him my most shameful sins. One I’ve alluded to. I’ve may have even come right out and said it a few times, but this time, I need to make sure he hears what I’m saying. I need him to know because he may not want me anymore after I tell him. Somewhere inside of me, I know that's not true, but I still expect it. That’s exactly what I say to him before I get started.
“Zoey, I meant what I said. I’m not going anywhere, and I’m sure as fuck not letting you go again. Short of a restraining order, you’re not getting rid of me.” The darkness doesn’t hide the molten fire and pleading in his eyes as he begs me to believe and accept what he’s saying.
I do believe him, but how can he truly say that without all the details.
“Jax, you do understand that when I was in New York, I – I slept around a lot. Don’t you?” I ask him with trepidation and a pounding heart.
“I don’t expect us to do anything right now, baby,” he says with confusion.
“I know that. But you aren’t the only one who’s been turned on today. I – I’m just not – I can’t -,” I keep stumbling over my words, not entirely sure what I’m trying to say. “I’m don't know if I'm ready. No matter how turned on may be I can’t be ready until I tell you about New York. I need to tell you about New York.”
“Zoey, I don’t care,” he starts before seeing the disbelief on my face and amending his statement. “Okay. I do care. I hate the thought of anyone else touching you, but I’m not stupid enough or hypocritical enough to lose you over that.”
My head drops, as I prepare to spit out the words. I can’t look at him and say what I need to say. “The first time, it was to pay for my latest fix. I didn’t have the cash. I knew if I used my card at the ATM, you or Zane or Rory would track it. I couldn’t go through with it though. As soon as he tried to touch me, I totally freaked out. So, he gave me something first – ecstasy, I think, but I really have no idea. I don’t even remember what happen after that. But that’s how I paid for the drugs. I fucking whored myself out. But the really fucked up part is how I had to be high or drunk every single damn time. Anytime I tried to do something sober, the smallest touch would make me freak out.”
He sits there quietly in the dark not even trying to move. I don’t look up. I can’t. I can’t see his face right now. I’m afraid if I do, I’ll see the disgust that I feel written there.
I feel hot tears pour down my face from the shame. I don’t understand how in such a short time, I fell so far. I’ve never been that person, but after one horrible, horrible night, I completely turned into someone I didn’t recognize. It still makes no sense to me how I could do the things I did. How I shut myself off from the world. Physically, I was out there, but mentally and emotionally I put myself into solitary confinement.
Dr. Thompson calls it PTSD. I call it weakness. I was too damn weak to handle what happen. Too selfish to consider how my action were going to affect the people who loved me.
“I don’t want to be with you like that, Jay, but I don’t know if I can any other way. Not that you’d want me after knowing that,” I say with a slight sniffle.
He remains silent as I continue to look down at my hands in the dark, moonlit room. I can’t make eye contact with him, and an itch begins to take over me. My skin begins to feel too tight.
I move to leave the bed. Leave the room. I can’t stay in here with him knowing the pain I just caused him. Knowing that I’ve disappointed him so thoroughly. I’ll just go sleep on the couch and make plans to have my stuff moved to Zane’s in the morning.
I’m nearly off the massive bed, when a big, long arm wraps around my waist. He drags me back to the middle of the bed as if I weigh nothing. He places a knee on either side of my hips and elbows on either side of my head.
My breathing is heaving and my heart pumping furiously at the surprise that is coursing through me. He leans down to my ear, placing the smallest of kisses just behind it before saying, “I told you, I’m not letting you go again.” I suck in a breath at the feel of his mouth next to my ear. He raises himself up so that he’s looking directly into my eyes. I feel the need to squirm and avoid his intense gaze, but he has me very completely trapped. “Why would you think for a minute any of that would make a difference to me, Zoey? You know the shit I did. Hell, I have a damn track record of fucking women and tossing them aside. What kind of man would I be if I couldn’t accept that you made a mistake when you were hurting? When you were so clearly sick? The men that fucked you should have their goddamned dicks ripped off. You were taken advantage of. You weren’t in your right mind. You’re still not there all the way yet.”
I shake my head, tears spilling again. Maybe, I think, just maybe if I keep getting all this garbage out, I’ll finally stop crying. “I have to take responsibility for my choices, Jay.”
“And you are, but that doesn’t mean you weren’t taken advantage of, baby. You were hurt and broken. The men you were with weren’t men at all. They were scum. The way I’ve treated women isn’t much better.”
“How can you be like that? How can you just act like I didn’t ruin everything?” I question with a sob.
“Because I fucking love you, Zoey. If you told me you fell in love with someone else in New York, I’d still love you. When you did what you did, did you think about me? Did you feel guilty? Did you do it because you were trying to hurt me? Because every single damn time I lost myself in a bottle. Every time a put my dick into some other woman, I hated myself. It didn’t stop me though. All I would see is your face, but not one time did it stop me because I’m a selfish bastard.”
Tears are streaming down his face now. My heart is breaking at his confession. We are both so screwed up beyond reason. “Every time, I just wanted to forget everything. I hated that what I was doing to myself and you because I knew if you ever found out, it would break your heart. Jax, you shouldn’ feel guilty though. We weren’t together. You weren’t cheating on me.”
More tears fall from his eyes. I can see clearly, the guilt that has been tearing him up inside. It matches my own. He gives a dark, humorless chuckles as he sweeps his knuckles over my jaw. “Do you think it matters that we weren’t together? We didn’t really break up, did we? You were out there somewhere, hurting and scared. I was here wallowing and miserable but still so very much in love with you. I have every reason to feel guilty.”
I swallow a lump that has formed in my throat. “Do you ever wonder if we really love each other as much as we think we do?” I whisper sadly.
He jerks back like he’s been electrocuted. “Why the hell would you ask that?”
“Because how can we say we love each other and make the choices we do? How can I claim to love you, but leave you? Or have sex with other people?”
He looks at me with fire and fury in his eyes. I try to divert my eyes, but he grips my chin firmly. “Look at me, Zoey,” he demands when I try to close my eyes. “Do you love me?”
It’s an easy question to answer. I know I love him. I just wonder how I can feel this way but do the things I've done. “I love you more than anything. More than anyone.”
“Do you believe me when I tell you I love you? That I’m so completely in love with you, I know there will never be another?”
This should be an easy answer also, but it’s not. Because I can’t make myself understand why, after everything, he still loves me. But I know he does, so I nod.
