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I was barely able to make my head move back and forth as it hung from my shoulders like the damn thing weighed too much to possibly hold upright any longer.
“My sexual fantasies have been harder, dirtier, sexier…” There was a pause in what she was saying even as her hands continued to bathe me without hesitation. She worked them down my thighs, but my body had gone numb to her beautiful touch. I didn’t deserve to feel it and this - her scrubbing me - wasn’t meant to bring me pleasure. It was meant to close a chapter in my life and open a new one. I got that.
“I’ve always wanted a man who would tell me what to do, toss me on the bed, chain me down, spank my ass, and fuck me like he couldn’t imagine being anywhere else or doing that with anyone other than me.”
She got to my foot, from behind, and instead of picking it up to scrub it clean too, she simply said, “Turn.”
I did so, making my front face forward again as the water sprayed down my back and washed some of the soap away. She was the one on her knees before me now, but she was still very much in charge of everything that happened. I wanted so much to pull her up from that position and wrap my arms around her. I wanted to cocoon her in my body and whisper promises that it would never happen again. That I understood now.
Instead, I drove my fists into the wall behind her and waited while she scrubbed my cock, then soaped up my balls. She spent a lot more time there than she had on the rest of my body, with exception of my fingers. I knew what she was doing. Those were the parts of my body I’d used the most on other women.
I swallowed down the bile that tried to rise up my throat as this beautiful siren kneeled before me, soaking wet, and cleansing us both of the bullshit mess that I’d made of everything.
“I wanted someone to be rough with me, to make my body sing in ways I’d only imagined.” She paused, her words and the scrubbing as she sat eye-level with my dick. The sad little pout on her lips was almost too much to bear. For once, I didn’t think about shoving my cock in between a set of lips that were so close. Instead, I thought about how I didn’t deserve the privilege until she spoke again.
“You gave me soft, slow, and awkward. You left me there afterward for me to find you hugging and kissing on some other woman - no matter how innocent that supposedly was. You were far more loving, free, and real with her than you’d been while taking my virginity.”
Fucking Hell.
“And then, when I walked in on you with…” she choked back a sob, but I could see her shoulders shake and the water running down her face wasn’t from her hair any longer. It came directly from her eyes as she started to scrub down the front of my legs.
“You were giving them a different part of you, one that I craved before I even knew you. You gave them toys, your demands, and just… You gave them the part of yourself that I wasn’t allowed to have, but that I desperately craved. They all got more of you than I ever did, yet you claimed that I was special to you.” She scrubbed the tops of my feet damn near raw.
“Turn.”
It took everything in me to give her my back at that point. “Lift,” she demanded as she tapped my right ankle. Once I lifted my foot, she scrubbed the soles of my feet, a bit gentler than she’d worked the tops over.
“They had access to you that I never did, even after you promised to try to give me what I needed.” She laughed as she stood. “You never really tried to give me what I needed though, did you?”
I didn’t bother to answer. She didn’t want my words because they were meaningless to her. That’s what all of this had been about. Yes, she took me in the shower to get me clean, but there was a lesson in it, too. She didn’t trust me. My word wasn’t worth the paper she wiped her ass with. We weren’t starting over from scratch. We were - maybe - staring from some negative hole I had to crawl myself out of.
I didn’t blame her.
If the roles were reversed, I never would have even given her the option to climb back out of that hole and we both knew it. “You don’t get to be in charge anymore. You don’t get to make me promises because they’re meaningless words. You don’t get to touch me unless I give my permission.”
I nodded my head in agreement. Fair enough, really. If Nova needed to feel like she was in charge of our relationship until I could earn the right to be, then so be it. That’s what we’d do.
The shit I would take from my club brothers about it, if they knew, didn’t even factor into the decision. Most of them would understand that I earned the penance and needed to pay. They’d probably tell her it wasn’t enough. Everyone loved my woman. I’d be angry about that, too, but it proved useful when they were willing to go into battle to get her back. The craziest part of that was they hadn’t done it for me. They’d done it for her. Every member of my fucking club had gone out and searched for her tirelessly.
“Maybe we just had bad timing. You weren’t ready for me. I definitely wasn’t ready for you,” she admitted. “So, you’re clean now. If you stay that way, I’ll be here by your side trying to figure things out.”
“Step back,” Nova ordered again. The water washed over me, and any remaining suds quickly found their way down the drain. Somewhere with it went my pride and all the bullshit that made me act like a fucking prick. My ego and stupidity circled the drain right along with it.
“Now, you get to return the favor. You will scrub my body clean, too. You’re going to wash away every expectation I had, every desire, every dream that didn’t come true. You’re going to wash away all the heartache of having to see you touch other women in ways you didn’t dare touch me. The ways I watched, wishing it was my body your fingers dug into, my ass that you slapped, my pussy that you assaulted so vigorously. You’re going to make me forget ever wishing for what you gave to other women and denied me.”
FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I knew she could see the tears I had no hope in hell of hiding from her. I didn’t bother ducking my head into the shower’s stream to rinse them away. I gave them to her because she deserved to see that her words made an impact. She needed to feel my remorse. My words meant nothing. That’s why she wouldn’t allow me to speak them. My actions were what she was waiting for.
I slid her around my body so that she stood beneath the water. When she tipped her head back, exposing the smooth length of her neck, I wanted nothing more than to run my fingers down it and trail them with hot kisses. I needed to taste her pristine skin on my tongue, but I wasn’t given permission to touch. She allowed my assistance in swapping places with her simply because it was slippery and I was caring for her well-being, not because I suddenly had blanket permission to her body.
I soaped up my hands with my shampoo, because it was all that was available in my shower now. I wondered for a moment, if she hadn’t mentioned the other bottles and who they most likely belonged to, would I have been stupid enough to use another woman’s shit on her? It was a good thing I cleaned them out because I might have been stupid enough, clueless enough to fail a test that would cost me my woman.
In that moment, a sort of clarity came over me while I scrubbed the soap down the length of Nova’s blonde locks. I understood how it must have looked to her, how heartbreaking it must have been to have to see those things in my shower every time she stepped in here. Then, to know that I gave hers back and left there’s. Yep, I was a dumbass and would probably spend the rest of my days paying for it. I’d do it gladly if it meant she was in my arms every night.
I took my time, massaging the scent I wore into her scalp, down the length of her hair, and repeated it from scalp to tip until I thought I had the feel of her hair memorized. Until I had my fingers trained that they were the only strands they’d ever touch again. I couldn’t tell Nova that. She didn’t want my words anyway, so I showed her through my reverence.
Even when I was being gentle with Nova when we made love, I don’t think I ever worshiped her body the way I did in that shower. There wasn’t a single moment when I took advantage of having her naked warmth under my fingertips. I cleaned her body in much the same way she had done for me.
