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My stomach tilts with uncertainty.
What if he wouldn’t, even if I told him that’s what I wanted?
It’s not worth thinking about. I need to just push these feelings away. A fake relationship is bad enough, complicating it with real feelings is only worse.
I just need to get through this semester without any more drama or heartbreak, and hope that’s enough time for Sean to move on, so that I can start with a fully clean slate in the new year.
A sharp, sour note rings through the practice room, making me wince. The culprit? Myself.
Jeremy winces, too, causing him to strike an off note of his own on his piano keys. Silence fills the room in the wake of the clashing disharmony.
“Maybe we should call it a day,” Jeremy ventures after a couple moments.
My chest compresses on a defeated sigh. “Probably a good idea.”
I’ve never had a practice this bad. I don’t know if it’s because I can feel the biggest competition of my life hurtling towards me like a semi-truck, but nothing about my playing felt right today.
My fingers didn’t feel as nimble, my timing felt all wrong, and even when I wasn’t playing off notes, none of the music that came from my instrument sounded right.
It feels like I should be getting more confident, feeling more prepared as the big day approaches. The fact that the exact opposite is happening has me worrying, which itself is probably doing no favors to my playing.
Wrong is how the entire last two weeks have felt. Hudson still giving me the cold shoulder, hardly making eye contact with me. Losing confidence in my music just when the most important performance of my life is right around the corner. And if all that weren’t enough, the Statistics class I’m taking to satisfy my math graduation requirement suddenly decided to become utterly incomprehensible. The lectures for the entire last week, let alone the problem sets for homework, might as well be Mandarin Chinese.
Everything’s going wrong at the worst possible time.
At least Sean hasn’t texted me in a while. If I had to endure my ex on top of everything else right now, I don’t know what I’d do. As it is, I already feel like a dilapidated structure, swaying on its last legs; if Sean decided to throw his unwanted presence into the mix right now, I think I’d just collapse.
Jeremy has to supply the optimism for both of us as we leave, saying he’s sure that next rehearsal will be better. I shudder to think how bad it would have to be for that prediction to be wrong.
Ugh, listen to myself! I’m becoming a pessimist! This so isn’t me. But I just can’t seem to reach into that reservoir of positivity that’s always been close at hand.
I think back to that night on the ice with Hudson, when he looked into my eyes and told me he believed in my talent, his words filled with so much sheer honesty that my doubts evaporated.
If he could look at me like that again, talk to me like that …
But he won’t.
I feel a nagging disappointment at myself. I shouldn’t need the words of some guy to be confident. I should let my own accomplishments fuel my confidence.
But is it so bad to want to be believed in? To know there’s someone by your side whose confidence in you will never waver, who’s right there to pick up the slack whenever your own self confidence does?
Olivia is at a study session for her Political Science class, so the house is empty when I get home. Except, of course, for Salsa in my room.
When I plop down on my bed and let out a long, worry-laden sigh, the cat hops onto my mattress and lays her head on my chest.
I run my hand down her coat. “Your dad’s been making me sad lately, girl,” I admit.
She looks at me and lets out a low purr.
“Thanks, girl,” I say, imagining she just said something very wise and supportive. “You’re right. I’m sure it’ll all be just fine.”
26
SUMMER
“Do you think that Hudson finding out his most annoying roommate has been killed would be a good birthday present?” Olivia asks, the high-pitched cheeriness a thin mask over her annoyance.
I laugh. “He’s driving you to murder already?”
