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seventeen
ADRENALINE-CRASH SLUMBER.
Dolly
I am focusing on the good.
One, two, three—deep breath in. Hold—one, two, three—release. Though a vice of anger and hurt keeps my chest tight, I tilt my chin up and replay the good.
Hudson came to the house to see me the day he got back from Las Vegas. He thoughtfully brought a basket of goodies from my favorite vendors at the market. He’d gone to their respective stores and collected the items that same day. Even though it was also for Ivy and Juni—for all the hard work—he came to see me.
I know it.
I opened the door casually, smiling without giving away that I’d been tracking his flight, then Deuce’s pickupthe entire ride back. I love AirTags, they fit anywhere and never lose signal. Slipping one into Deuce’s truck liner eased my anxiety. Knowing how close to home Hud was helped me.
When I opened the door, he never once asked where Ivy or Juni were. Even though he was there to thank all three of us.
His hand brushed mine when he passed me the basket, and after I watched him walk back to his place through the peephole, I ran my fingertips along my nipples and down my bare belly, hopelessly trying to scatter the traces of his touch along my skin.
There’s a knock at my bedroom door but I can’t move. My palms are sticky and damp, plastered to the glass, my heated breath fogging the window. “Dol?” Juni calls gently, walking on her proverbial tiptoes around the bomb ticking down to detonation.
Me.
Only, the closer I get to him, the nearer he is to realizing what's in front of him, the more I knowI have tocontrol my explosive behavior. He won’t run over and rescue me from broken glassagainand not have questions or concerns.
I’m not stupid.
“Come in,” I reply as my sisters filter in regardless. That’s what sisters do.
“I saw her car,” Ivy says, mentioningthe thingthat caused me to destroy six canvases in my barn, one of which was going to be a wedding present for Everly and Deuce.
I got a little…upset.
I’d gone to Hud’s place to see if Bear wanted to work on our painting project together. The guys were headed out to pasture to mend the downed fence from the storm.
Tiffani answered the door and saidshe’dbe watching Bear today while Hud and the guys worked.
I don’t know if I snapped as much as Iexploded.Internally of course, like every good raging woman since the dawn of time.
I held a smile long enough to fool her, then walked casually back to my barn—though I don’t knowhowI did it because I couldn't see a single thing. My vision was utter havoc; motion in explosive bursts of darkness and color, fragmenting my reality, leaving the world a distorted mess.
I always lose my vision when I’m hit withpassionaterage. And I only ever get hit with this anger when it comes tomy soul mate.
I destroyed things I loved, cut my forearms on the broken frames of canvases, shit all over my sacred workspace (metaphorically, of course), and ruined another sundress with blood and paint.
I stood there, chest heaving, tears streaking my face.
This isn’tjustabout Hudson.
This is about Bear.
I love Bear. I have always loved Bear, and that love is separate from my crushing, consuming love and adoration forhis father.
Bear loves me back. Hud’s selection ofTiffanito watch Bear while he works instead ofme, the person who has cared for and loved that little boy since his near-first breath—ithurts.
It hurts so fucking bad.
And I really hate being hurt.
