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Hudson
“C’mon, please!” Bear begs, both of his hands tucked into my back pocket as he tugs on me, hoping to pull me all the way to the creek. From my position bent at the waist, the leg of one of my canopies in my hands, I get to my feet, the white-topped tent toppling onto its side.
“Bear, buddy, we gotta set up for the farmers market tomorrow. Gray Farms is the host. We’re good hosts, too,” I say, smiling down at my little spitting image. His dark hair is messy, despite the fact I held him between my legs and combed it as he ate pancakes this morning. “You wanna be a good host, don’t you?”
He kicks, his boot sailing through a small clump of dirt. “Iguess so.”
I smooth my fingers through his hair, pushing it off his face. Crouching, I meet his eyes and take his hand in mine. “We’ll get to the creek, okay? But I don’t have a lot of time today. Tomorrow, after the market?”
“Tomorrow?!” he whines, his eyes wide as if I told him Santa isn’t real.
“Buddy,” I start, maintaining patience. “I gotta tag the cattle after I’m done here.” I stroke my hand along my forehead, beneath the felt rim of my hat. “There won’t be much sunlight left when I’m all done. It’s better for tomorrow.”
He moves dirt around with the toe of his boot, hiding his tears. They plunk heavily into the dirt. “Okay.”
Fuck. I haven’t cried in four years and six months but his tears of disappointment threaten to break my streak.
Making a spur-of-the-moment choice, I hook my hands beneath his arms, hoisting him to my chest. He loops his legs around my waist and I keep my hand firmly planted in the center of his back. “Okay, buddy, let’s skip some stones.”
I know I don’t have time. In fact, I have even less time than normal, which is usually pretty limited as it is. Ever since my sister got engaged, she’s… busier.
And that’s good. She should not exist to take care of her brother and nephew. I’m happy for her.
On Friday, Everly and I normally set up for the market together, then I go on to do my chores, leaving Bear to hang out with her for the rest of the afternoon. We convene at dinner, and I spend the evening with him, even though by that point in the day we’re both exhausted.
Today, though, Ev has to leave before we even set up, and the worst part? I forgot.
She told me a month in advance, I know she did. Butwith the fence coming down on the east side of my property and one of the farmhands getting injured two weeks ago, I’ve been preoccupied. My best-laid plans have been lost to the chaos of every day.
I carry Bear down to the creek, mostly to make the most of the moment. With little boys, they don’t let you carry them and snuggle them often, and I know as he nears age five, his independence is coming.
He wagers how far his stones will go as we walk on our way down. Feeling his heartbeat against mine, I’m overwhelmed with love. I want to do right by him in every way, and raising him without his mama is something I hate. A boy needs his mama.
But since she left, I'm all of the following: I’m the tough disciplinarian, and I’m also the one who holds him tightly as we walk to the creek, talking about our days.
I’ll be the best of both for him, because he deserves it.
We skip stones so long that the sun shifts positions in the sky, and by the time we’re back to the house, Ev is on the porch, anxiously tapping her foot.
“Good Lord, Hudson, why don’t you try answering your phone?” she breathes out, clutching the deck railing as Deuce approaches from behind, glancing at his watch.
“Baby, we gotta go.” His hand comes to her hip as he looks up, spotting me and Bear. “Creek?”
I nod. “Yep. You…” I scratch my forehead beneath my hat. “Checking out a venue?”
I leave it vague, becausevenueworks for wedding locations as well as tattoo shop locations, and I can’t quite remember what they’re doing today.
Ev smooths her hand over the side of her head, pushingback a flyaway. She’s wearing lipstick but hasn’t ditched the boots and jeans, so it’s safe to assume today is a tattoo shop hunt.
“Shop possibility in town.” He reaches into his back pocket, his long hair curtaining his face as he torques. My sister reaches up and smooths it back behind his ear. He doesn’t acknowledge it, and neither does she, and it’s a small thing. But it’s all the shit I miss aboutbelonging to someone.
Those little things. The ways you can touch each other. The subtle ways you help one another or show affection to each other all day. All the subtle caresses, lingering looks across a crowded room, the shared expressions, the smirks that hold private meanings, the hand on the lower back or palm between pecs… all of that shit. That’s what I miss.
To be fair, I don’t know how to misslove.
Looking back, I don’t know if I was in love with Tessa or if I was in love with the idea of a wife. Having someone who wants to live and grow with me, to raise human beings together, to clink mugs and champagne flutes with as we journey through life with one another.
If I did love her, all of it is gone. I fell so hard and fast for Bear that I never allowed my heart to feel the loss. Or maybe I only ever felt it on his behalf. Either way, I don’t miss love because when it comes to a woman, I’ve never had it.
