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He pushed me away. “Yes, but it’s fine. I can sleep later. We had time-sensitive stuff we needed to finish. And we got it done. And it was great, brilliant, I felt like my old self, like I had a purpose. Like someone needed me.”
I need you, I wanted to tell him, but he was already turning away, folding his arms then scratching the scruff on his chin, pulling at his wrinkled collar. Jittery.
“And I used to have nightmares even before any of this happened.”
“Really?” It was the first I’d heard of it.
“Well, yes. Occasionally. Not as bad, but yes, if I was stressed with work and…”
“Exactly! Stressed with work. Which is how you are going to be about a week from now if Marcus gets his way!”
I’d raised my voice and begun pacing. The headache that had started up behind my eyes last night, as I tossed and turned alone, throbbed at my temple. I rubbed at it tiredly.
“Listen to me, Florian.” Charles dragged me by the hand down to the sofa. He pushed a heap of papers onto the floor. “I know you’re worried, but Marcus and I have talked about things. He’s not going to overload me. It will just be this case, this one big client, and then I’ll come back for a rest. It will be a month at the most.” He brought our joined hands to his mouth and kissed my knuckles. “Honestly. I’ll be fine.”
Mon dieu, how I wanted to believe him. “What we’ve had here is special, Flor,” I heard him say. “And we can keep having it. I want to keep having it, if you do. I’ll just… I’ll just be travelling a bit between here and London. But this won’t be the end.”
I think we were both trying to convince ourselves that was true. Charles talked some more, listing all the ways in which Marcus and the business were going to make concessions for him and I nodded and said nothing, storing everything about him away in my head for when he’d no longer be here. How his eyes narrowed when he iterated a point, how he waved his hand around—almost like a true Gaul—to accentuate it. How he tripped over our awkward vowels, the damned cute way he attempted but failed to roll his ‘r’s like a native.
And when his gaze turned anxious and flicked to the corners of the room? Seeing shadows that weren’t there? I pretended I didn’t notice. Just like I pretended he wasn’t wearing yesterday’s clothes and his passport wasn’t parked beside his wallet on the granite island. And that for more than a week now, an empty blister pack of pills next to the sink in his bathroom hadn’t been replaced with a fresh one.
The suitcase in the hallway, however, was difficult to ignore.
“When is your flight?”
“Marcus booked me onto one leaving Bordeaux tonight. Getting into London late. We have all day tomorrow with the client’s representatives.”
A sudden weariness swept through my bones. We were finished. Not even another full day and night.
“Come to bed with me, Florian,” Charles urged, his tired eyes so fucking beseeching. “I’m all packed. We still have the afternoon.”
I should have declined and said goodbye then and there. Made an excuse; the rains had stopped, I had salt to harvest, days to catch up on. I should never even have returned today. I should have left us laughing in each other’s arms, with silver and green painted flowers on our cheeks and stars in our eyes. But I guess I was a masochistic sucker for punishment.
He led me to the bedroom where we undressed side by side, awkwardly, almost shyly, as if it were the first time. I kissed him and he kissed me back, already sensing his clever mind was elsewhere. And yet, I was young and in love, and his slender pale body was so fucking perfect that my dick demanded its thing regardless. I pushed him backwards until he lay on the pillows. We kissed some more as I settled between his legs.
“I’d finally got around to asking you if we could do this properly.” His eyes skittered away from mine. “Typical.”
“We have been doing it properly.” I pressed my lips to his neck, breathing him in. “If we never did anything more it would be enough.”
“You know what I mean.”
More kissing. I’d still feel the same way about him if we’d never gone beyond that. His mouth opened up to me like it always did, slackening so eagerly. There was something about the way Charles melted into my kiss, as though he was hanging on, that it grounded and fed him, gave him the strength to push the shadows aside.
I moved on top, gently grinding my hips, lost in a space somewhere between getting off and finding comfort. Truth be told, I was doing my level best not to throw a childish tantrum and scream that he was an idiot. That he was putting not only what we had at risk, but his health too, every minute of precious sanity he’d clawed back. Every step forward along the path of coming to terms with his grief.
I’d have enough time in the weeks ahead to dwell on all that—right now, I had a scant couple of hours to show him what he’d be missing. Instead, I concentrated on the feel of his warm body underneath mine. I kissed and caressed the gritty stubble on his jaw. The shell of an ear, his smooth forehead, his eyelids, the bridge of his nose where his glasses had worn a reddened groove. I tracked my fingertips across his neck and down to his sharp collar bones, his firm chest. Then lower, to his soft groin. Which stayed soft, despite my loving ministrations.
“Sorry, I just… it’s not happening.” He rolled away, onto his side and flung an arm across his face. “Got too much going on, I guess.”
“It’s fine,” I answered, because what other answer was there? To point out that already his precarious balance had tilted off-centre? That his dick sensed the gathering storm clouds even if his brain didn’t? Not getting him off, or me off, was neither here nor there. But what it represented frightened me to death.
“Sleep, Charles,” I urged, “Rest for a couple of hours. You’re exhausted. I’ll wake you up in time to leave.”
And protect you and keep you safe in my arms. Offering him that was all I had left. And the hope he’d remember a gentle landing waited for him, here in Loix, if ever he needed one. Oh, fucking merde, our time together was over too soon.
I love you, I mouthed against the narrow column of his neck. I wanted a chance to love you even more.
CHAPTER 23
