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When I thought about Lukas being there without me, however, I grew even more upset, knowing I wanted to be with him and not be apart from him and left alone all weekend. The conflict between the two desires made me feel a thousand times worse. How did I choose what to do?
I tried to tell myself to calm down and think it through carefully. Possibly figure out if I could make one seem better than the other or mitigate the downsides of one of them, but it took a while, and all I could think that might help was to go shopping for clothes. But I didn’t know where to start.
It was difficult to separate my emotions from my thoughts and figure out what actually mattered to me. I felt stuck, and there was no one here I could talk to about it.
Not knowing what else to do, I pulled out my phone and called Stacy. It was pretty late in the UK, but she picked up after only a few rings.
“What’s up, Kit? You doing okay?”
“No, not really,” I said, almost crying again as the words came out in a rush.
“All right. Give me two seconds to grab my tea and get comfy. Tell me what’s going on, and we’ll see what we can do about it once you’ve let it all out.”
I exhaled, trying to decide where to start.
“Everything has been going pretty well here, but it’s clear I’m not…good enough for some of the people here.”
“I’m pretty sure Juno said similar things. What’s happened to make you feel that way?”
I paused a moment to grab my tea as well and then paced with my mug in one hand and phone in the other while I told her everything that had happened at the dinner earlier in the month and the comments that Sarai and Henry had made earlier today about clothing and spending time with yet more rich people with whom I was supposed to get along.
The whole way through, my friend listened, and I slowly calmed as I got it all off my chest, including all my fears. I also told her how wonderful Lukas had been and why I was torn between not going and going to be with him.
“Oh, honey. Don’t let people being mean stop you from doing something you’ll find fun. Even if there are parts that aren’t so pleasant, think about it as part of the job and the clothes you need like a uniform, and just roll with it. At least, that’s what I’d do. It’s not really a holiday weekend. It’s a working weekend, and you need a uniform to do some parts of your job you don’t like as much.”
I exhaled, still pacing but feeling a lot better already. She had a point. All jobs had parts of them that people didn’t like. Having to talk politely to rich snobs and wear clothes I wouldn’t normally even spare a glance could just be considered part of that. It wouldn’t ruin the fun I could have with Lukas afterward.
“Has Lukas made you feel like you’re not good enough?” she asked, her tone gentle, but I could pick up on the concern in it.
“Oh, God, no. If anything, he makes me feel like a million dollars, but...” I trailed off, not sure how to put into words the feeling that sometimes that wasn’t enough.
“But he’s still more one of them than he isn’t?” she asked, trying to help me.
I put my empty mug down as I considered her words. “Something like that. He is definitely very kind, but it’s as if he instinctively knows the rules of this social community, and I don’t. And he doesn’t always notice that I’m clueless, and it’s not normal for a lot of people.”
Stacy didn’t respond at first, and it made me nervous. I paced faster again, but eventually, she spoke. “I think it’s hard because, to him, it probably is normal. Why don’t you talk to him about some of it? He might love to know that he can be less polished around you and not have to follow all these society-enforced rules.”
Although Stacy had a point, I was already picturing Lukas the last night we were together and how…not refined he had been. He’d devoured me and done things to me I was pretty sure gentlemen weren’t supposed to do.
I was trying to think of something else to say to Stacy when the door opened, and Sarai came in. I was glad I hadn’t been talking when she came in, but I knew it hadn’t been long since I had. Had she heard what I had been saying?
“Okay, I’ve got to go back to work now. Thanks, Stacy. I appreciate you letting me run that by you. I’m sure it will be a big help.” I hoped the change in my tone would give her a hint that I was no longer alone.
“Always happy to help. You take care of yourself, and let me know if it does help at all.” She hung up, and I put the phone back into my pocket before looking up at Sarai.
“Sorry,” I said. “Needed to talk to a friend about some home stuff.”
It was a small lie, but Sarai waved it off as if I was saying nothing much.
“Oh, don’t apologize for having a life and family outside of work. I hope they’re all okay.”
“They will be, given time,” I replied, taking my mug to the sink and washing it as a way to calm down a moment. “Are the huts okay?”
I wanted the subject changed, but before Sarai could respond, the door opened again, and Lukas strolled in. He didn’t have Henry with him, and I noticed Richard wasn’t back either.
A quick glance out the window showed the latter pulling away in his sleek Jaguar with Henry in the passenger seat. I exhaled, relaxing a little. At least one problem was gone. But that still left me in front of Lukas.
“Lukas! Here to sweep my interior designer off her feet and stop her from ridiculously overworking herself?” Sarai asked, sitting at her desk and turning her chair to face us.
