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The staff were full of smiles and we soon had more staff helping box and bag it all up until there was a far bigger pile than I’d anticipated. Kit’s eyes went wide as she also took it in, and I knew this was an experience entirely new to her. I’d been in this world a long time and I’d had partners who liked to shop, but even they hadn’t come back from a day out with this much.
Despite this being my idea, with a little encouragement from Sarai, I was expecting the bill to be pretty hefty. When the store assistant finished ringing it all up and totaled it up, Kit gasped at the final number.
“Is that going to be a problem?” Jane asked, looking between the two of us.
“Not at all.” I pulled out my card with the biggest limit and handed it over.
Kit didn’t say a word, and once more, I wondered if I was doing the right thing.
CHAPTER SIXTY-FOUR
Kit
No matter how I tried to phrase the words, I still hadn’t been able to find the right way to thank Lukas for buying me so many clothes. I didn’t feel comfortable in all of them, but he’d taken me out to dinner last night, and I had the rest in the apartment Sarai was putting me up in.
I stood looking over it all and trying to figure out how to pack it. All I knew was that someone was going to be picking me up in an hour and I hadn’t really begun packing at all. I was trying to get my butt in gear.
There was no way I was going to be ready in time now, even if I grabbed a suitcase and just put everything I might need in. I exhaled, feeling my vision blur and my fingers tingle. I’d had a panic attack before coming here and before heading to New York for Juno’s wedding.
In some ways, this was nothing new. I panicked. All I had to do was breathe through it and try and pack as much as I could.
After pulling my suitcase out from under the bed, I knelt beside it. I’d emptied it once I got here, knowing I was staying for long enough to need to have it all in the closet and not need the case.
Of course, I hadn’t bargained on everyone celebrating the near finish of the project with a trip elsewhere, and to be dragged along like some sort of show bunny.
I wasn’t impressed with that, even after Lukas had been so kind to me and bought me so many clothes to help me fit in. I felt guilty. Juno had said several times that she had wished she’d let Jack pay for more in the beginning and not been proud. And I was trying to follow her advice in this situation.
It didn’t stop me feeling guilty and out of place, however. I could put on the clothes Lukas had bought me, but I didn’t feel comfortable in them. It wasn’t natural, and none of it was me. Still, I was wearing the more comfortable outfit and doing my best.
As I began folding some of my more comfortable clothes and selecting the underwear I might want, it helped my mind to focus. I knew I was packing too much and wouldn’t wear all of it, but it was something I always did. My hands still shook with each item I handled, and I tried to think through what might happen and where we might go.
I had to pause several more times to focus on breathing and trying to calm down again. Every time I thought too much about where we might go and who might be there I remembered the dinner and having so many people look down on me. Even when Lukas had followed me out, I had felt as if I meant less.
He had decided he wanted me that night, but he’d also become a constant reminder that his world and mine were very different. When I was in his bed, or in his control in some other way, I could forget that we were very different people. I could just be his and enjoy the moment.
It didn’t solve my problems now, or help me when someone like Sarai was trying to help my career. I wasn’t sure I wanted the help, but I also knew that fear was driving my decisions. In a lotof ways, I wanted Lukas to make it simple. Would he ask me to stay here and be his long term?
My other big fear was that our relationship was just temporary. No one else had ever stayed in my life. Not for long. I was having fun with Lukas, loved the way he took care of me, but it was as if he was around sometimes and not at others, at random and without notice or explanation. I couldn’t be sure he wanted me long term.
Thinking about it now didn’t help me calm.
I glanced at the clock and almost freaked out. I was due to be picked up in fifteen minutes and I still had an array of bags and boxes around me. And I didn’t even have my toiletries or any makeup organized yet.
Getting to my feet, I took a few seconds to steady myself and then hurried to get what I might need from the bathroom as well. Once again, I was hit with how little I had that could be considered good enough. I didn’t doubt that my cheap store brands of everything would be looked down on, and I was more than a little thankful that Lukas couldn’t see all this, my impending panic attack included.
As I thought about how he might react to all this and the mess I was just trying to pack, it made me want to cry even more. The first few tears trickled down my cheeks, but I brushed them away. It didn’t help to cry, and I still had to pack either way.
Slowly I got a grip on myself again, but I knew my emotions were simmering just below the surface and I didn’t think it would take much to trigger them. I had to get through this. It wasn’t as if I had any choice.
Grabbing one of the toiletry bags I had, I opened it up. I still wasn’t sure what to put in it, but I began with the few things that I knew were absolutely necessary. If nothing else, I’d have the basics by the time my driver turned up.
It wasn’t the best way to pack, but I didn’t have much choice at this point. When I’d put everything I definitely wanted in the bag, I looked over everything else. I had plenty still to choose from that I could possibly go without, but I also knew there was a chance that it would all be needed.
“Packing is impossible,” I declared, already so exhausted from it all I just wanted to be done.
Before I could pick anything else up there was a loud knock at the door. I frowned. It was a knock I recognized. Lukas had come to get me. I froze, not sure how to respond. I hadn’t expected it to be Lukas coming to pick me up. Normally Sarai sent one of her staff to get me and drive me where I needed to be.
When he knocked again I squeaked and checked my face for puffy eyes before I hurried to let him in.
