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Something that would normally have filled me with comfort did not today. I didn’t know what to expect, and I felt like I’d been reeling for the last few hours. It was like Lukas was a total stranger, and nothing I did or said seemed to change it.
Considering how he was treating me, what he’d asked of me, and how much nicer the players were to me, I also wasn’t sure I wanted to rescue it.
I had spent the last few weeks with an entirely different man from the one before me now. Except I had seen glimpses of this man at Juno’s wedding. He had been warm one moment, then cold and ignoring me the next. Was this just who he was?
Had I discovered this was yet another man like the people in my past? Willing to be charming when he wanted something and an asshole when he didn’t? So many of the people in my life had been similarly two-faced. I didn’t need any more of it.
Not wanting to make further conversation, I found myself somewhere to sit. The players were lounging around and talking to the other guests, so it was harder to find a place, but I perched toward the end of a row where a player was paying a lot of attention to one of the women.
Before I could begin to process what I wanted to do next, Daniel sat beside me in the only spare seat nearby.
“You seem tired.” He gently took the empty glass I was holding and put it on an empty tray nearby.
“It’s been a long day,” I replied. “But I really did enjoy watching you play.”
“Thank you. Everyone says that to the winning team. It is a good thing and a curse at times.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I’ve actually never watched a game before. It was better than I thought it would be.” I smiled, feeling more genuine than I had in hours. He had opened up and it was clear he was being truthful. “Lukas has opened my eyes to many things.”
“In a good way too, I hope?” He looked me full in the face and I got the feeling that he was studying my answer for truth. It was possible he cared enough about his friend to want to look out for him the way Lukas looked out for Daniel.
“He’s…mercurial. But I like one side of him very much. He is caring and sweet, and I feel safe with him. There’s a lot to be said for those things.”
“And the other side of him?” Daniel asked.
“The other side of him…is someone I don’t understand at all.” I looked down, feeling tears threaten to fall. Daniel didn’t deny that there were two sides to this man, and that was all the confirmation I needed. Hewastwo people, and he was not kind in one of those forms.
“Lukas has been through a lot, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you have as well. But I wouldn’t want to see his heart broken. Not again.”
I nodded, knowing I was being warned. After taking a deep breath, I made sure I held his gaze. “I have no desire to break anyone’s heart. Only to survive and to one day hopefully love and be loved in return. Isn’t that what most people want?”
“In this world? Not always.”
“Well, in my world it’s usually what people want. Not money, fame, or anything else. Just to be safe and loved and wanted. And to provide those things in return. Money is…overrated.”
Daniel pursed his lips briefly and gave me a short nod. I couldn’t tell if he believed me, but I could only hope he did. It was the truth as far as I could put into words. Not that it seemed like it would matter much.
Whatever I wanted, it seemed Lukas wasn’t going to provide two important elements of that. He wouldn’t make me feel safe. Not truly. And if he could be cold at any moment, I doubted he was going to fall in love with me.
I had to accept it and figure out what to do.
“Time to go, my dear,” Sarai said, cutting into my thoughts. Daniel immediately got to his feet and politely shook Sarai’s hand again before offering to do the same with me.
There was little choice but to do as I was told and say goodbye. Thankfully, it took several minutes to interrupt every conversation the players were having to say goodbye to them all, but Sarai accompanied me to each of them in turn and said her goodbyes with me. It made it easier to wish them well. I knew I had to let go of this world.
This was the first and the last time I would be in a situation like this. Able to talk to the star players and interact with them. I knew I was saying goodbye to these people forever on some level, but equally, I told them I hoped to talk again soon and all sorts of similar things in the hope it would be true.
Somehow, I wanted today to be a big mistake. I wanted some big explanation that made sense of everything. At the same time, I wanted to go back to the UK. After all the stress and hard work, I just wanted to go home.
Before I could do that, however, I had to get through the rest of this project. I knew there would only be a few more weeks left and I had plenty still to do for the final huts. And before even that, I had to get back to Chicago and go with Lukas wherever he felt it necessary until then.
Trying to stay calm, I said goodbye to the last of the players and let Sarai take my arm again. She walked me over to Richard and Lukas, whether I wanted to go or not. I did my best to smile at them and waited to see what would happen next. Sarai went to Richard’s side, clearly expecting Lukas to want me at his.
Thankfully, he fell in beside me, and the four of us left the stadium together. I didn’t know what to say, but I didn’t dare reach for his hand again despite feeling frustrated with the balls still inside me and wanting some level of comfort. Clearly, I wouldn’t get what I needed from him.
It was blissful to sink into the seat of his car, however. Once again, sitting provided some much-needed relief. Although Iwasn’t sure I wanted to be with Lukas, I was grateful he was driving me back to the hotel.
He didn’t talk for some time, and I tried to think of a way to break the ice, but nothing I tried worked. Not even commenting on how nice Daniel seemed to be. Lukas didn’t want to make conversation, either.
