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“I didn’t know what I would do when we left for the Gala. I had just found out and needed time to process. But Blake, I had it figured out later that night.”
“You were going to leave?”
“No. I wanted to stay.”
Blake’s eyes soften with regret and longing before fading into complete sadness. “But you can’t stay.”
My breath hitches as unbridled tears slide down my cheek. “Then it’s a good thing I wasn’t asking for permission.”
CHAPTERTHIRTY-EIGHT
BLAKE
I’m messing this up.
The tears staining Amanda’s face are my undoing. I love her so goddamn much; it takes all my strength to remain seated in this chair and not go over to her and pull her against me. But I don’t have a choice. My body may be strong, but my willpower for her is weak. Any touch from her will crumble my resolve, and we will be back where we started. But she needs to make this decision on her own, even if it means losing her.
No matter how badly it kills me. No matter how much I want Amanda to stay, the decision is ultimately hers.
“Trust me. I don’t want you to leave,” I whisper, my throat tight with emotion.
The fiery gaze in her red-rimmed eyes pierces through me, and fuck, all I want to do is toss money at the situation and make it disappear. I want to be her knight in shining armor, swooping in to rescue her. It’d be so easy, but deep down, I know money can’t solve everything, nor can it fulfill her dreams.
“Then why are you pushing so hard for me to do just that?” Her voice is sharp with frustration, but there’s an underlying hurt that weakens my stance. “It feels like you’re giving up on us before we’ve even tried to find a solution.”
Her accusations sting, and my first instinct is to lash out, to argue that I’m doing this for her. But anger won’t solve anything, and it would only widen the gap between us. I take a deep breath to collect my thoughts so she’ll understand.
“What were your goals, Amanda?”
Confusion furrows her eyebrows. “What?”
“Your goals?” I repeat with urgency.
“To become a doctor.”
“Yeah, and after that. What’s your endgame?”
Her expression tightens as if she understands the point of my question. She takes a shaky breath before responding. “To become an oncologist and open a clinic in Boston to help underprivileged people.”
My heart clenches at her words as tears prick at the corners of my eyes. “That’s why we need a clean break,” I choke out. “Staying here won’t change your goal of living in Boston. And as much as I don’t want to see you leave, I don’t see a way around this. My responsibility is here, which leaves us where? We can’t keep up a long-distance relationship forever. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us. Unless … unless you’re willing to stay after graduation…”
Choose me.
The room goes silent as I hold my breath, leaving my heart and future in her hands. I’ve never allowed myself to be this vulnerable, but this girl has me doing uncharacteristic things.
“I-I can’t,” she stammers out.
“And that’s why you can’t stay,” I reply, my heart breaking at the realization that our love may not be enough to conquer the distance between us.
“Then this really is goodbye,” she says, her voice breaking on the last word.
Her statement feels like a serrated blade slicing through my chest and piercing my heart. I muster a nod, unable to trust my voice. My legs shake as I rise to my feet.
“I wish it didn’t have to be this way, but I refuse to be the reason you don’t get your dream. Trust me, I tried to think of a way, but…” I can’t even finish that sentence. Tears prick my eyes.
She springs from the couch and rushes over to me, her arms circling my waist in a tight, desperate hug. I instinctively pull her against me, inhaling her sweet, familiar scent one last time. It’s the smell of home that I am about to lose.
“I love you, Blake,” she whispers into my chest, her voice choked with sadness. “You’re not the reason I won’t get my dream. You’re part of it.”
