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“Thanks.” I sigh, glancing at the hospital’s looming structure as it comes into view. The enormity of what awaits me presses down like a weight. “It’s just hard, coming to grips with the fact that he won’t…” My voice trails off, unable to finish the sentence.
“Take all the time you need, Blake. I’m here for you, okay?” Her support is unwavering, making me feel shittier, if that is even possible.
“Means a lot. Really.” I park the car, the finality of the stop mirroring the pause in our conversation. I swallow hard, my hand gripping the steering wheel. The car idles at the curb outside the hospital, a silent witness to the storm brewing inside me.
“Look, Amanda,” I start, my voice catching slightly as the words tumble out. “The next few weeks are gonna be … rough. I won’t have much time between the hospital and helping Emily with the company.”
“Is there anything I can do?” Her empathy is my undoing.
“I appreciate it, but I need to handle this alone.” I glance through the windshield, watching people hurry by, wrapped up in their concerns. “It’s not going to be easy for us, for our—whatever this is we’re doing.”
There’s a pause, and I know she’s catching up to what I said. I hadn’t meant to minimize our relationship, but I’m so damn confused right now. I need to get off this phone. I’m not in the right headspace.
“Blake, it’s okay. We’ll make it work,” she says, her conviction wrapping around me, trying to hold together the pieces I felt were coming undone.
“Thanks, babe,” I murmur, the endearment feeling more like an apology than a term of affection. My heart squeezes tight, guilt gnawing at its edges as images flash through my mind: the sparkle in Amanda’s eyes when she laughed, the warmth of her lips pressing against mine in that dimly lit bookstore corner, the tender way she’d looked at me last Friday night, tangled in sheets and whispered confessions.
I want to tell her everything, spill my secrets like cards on the table. But then I remember the weight of her head on my chest, how right it feels, how selfishly I crave more of those moments.
“Can you promise me something, though?” Her question snaps me back from the precipice of confession.
“Anything,” I say too quickly, desperate to grasp any semblance of normalcy.
“Take care of yourself, too. Don’t get lost in all of this.”
I smile. Amanda always looks out for others, even when her world is stacked with textbooks and endless exams.
“Promise,” I lie, knowing full well I’ve already crossed that line. But it is a lie I needed to tell—for her peace of mind, for my cowardice.
“Good.” I could hear the smile in her voice, and it made my throat tighten. “Don’t worry about Saturday. I’ll cover the shelter.”
I close my eyes. I had forgotten about going with her. “No. I’ll be there.”
Another pause.
“Okay. Anything else I can do for you?”
“No.” I swallow past the lump in my throat. “I better go. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
I disconnect the call and hit the steering wheel, a soft thump of frustration. Amanda deserves honesty. And though I do love her, so fucking much, I can’t pretend nothing is wrong between us. Yet I can’t bring myself to shatter the fragile thing we’d built. Not yet. Not when every part of me fights to keep her close, even as the rest of my world seems to slip away.
I hop out of the car and slam the door. Frustrated with myself, with my dad’s diagnosis, and life in general.
CHAPTERTHIRTY-SEVEN
AMANDA
“I am the stupidest person alive,”I yell to the void as I slam the apartment door behind me. My outburst echoes off the walls, filling the air with self-loathing. I pace back and forth in the small living room, raking my hands through my hair in frustration. How could I have been so blind? So naive? I should have seen it coming. I should have known better. But no, I had to let myself be swept away by his smooth words and charming smile.
Maddy races from her room, all wide-eyed. “What happened?”
“You know what? I’m not stupid. I’m just human.” I continue my pacing, talking to myself more or less. “And sometimes, as humans, we make mistakes.”
We let ourselves be blinded by love, hope, and belief that things will be different this time. And when reality smacks us in the face, we have no choice but to pick up the pieces and try to move on.
“You’re losing me here. Did something happen between you and Blake?”
