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“That’s fair. Do you have any feelings about the way he died? Many loss survivors struggle with complex emotions of fear, grief, shame, and anger. Some express guilt for not being able to do more. And others place blame on themselves, as if they contributed to the act in some way.”
My mind immediately harkens back to my recent conversation with Luca. About his mother and the self-blame he struggles with for not helping with her depression before things got so bad.But this is my session, not his.I need to focus and not continue to find anything and everything to distract me from dealing with this.
“So, I haven’t examined the course of my emotions, to see if I’ve gone through the usual five stages of grief. But mine started with shock. That lasted for a very long time. I’m not sure I was able to move past it to allow therapy to penetrate the brokennessI felt.” Some tears start to bubble up, surprising me a little. I’ve become so hardened to it all. Dr. Miller reaches for a box of Kleenex, handing it to me.
“Then I moved to confusion. It seemed like I was stuck in this vortex, trying to reason why he would’ve done it. Were we not enough for him? Had moving in changed his lifestyle too much? Was there someone else? I was painfully aware I’d never have the answers, but the questions continued to invade my mind anyway. Like eventually some lightbulb moment would happen.” But, of course, it didn’t.
Wiping my eyes, I take a breath, and push on. “There was so much guilt. How I could’ve been married to a man who didn’t feel he could talk to me. Was I not open enough? The what-ifs can drive you crazy. Luckily, my mother quickly redirected most of those concerns. And now I refuse to take the blame for his choice.”
I dab at my swollen eyes with my nearly saturated tissue. “I have to accept I’ll never know what he was thinking or feeling. Granted, we spent more time apart than we did together during our marriage. But I never would’ve predicted he’d struggled with his mental health.”
Man, I wish I’d brought a bottle of water. It seems all of the moisture in my body is leaking from my eyes. I pat once more at my damp lids. “I feel like I’ve handled everything as best anyone could in my situation. But I don’t think I experienced true emotional despair, and definitely never reached the acceptance stage.”Sniffle. “I think I reached anger and have been stuck there ever since.”
Dr. Miller’s previously stoic expression now morphs to one of surprise. “I think that’s quite insightful, Jillian. Anger can be a healthy emotion if it prevents you from taking on any guilt or feelings of rejection related to what happened. Is there something in particular that angers you most?”
“That he did it in the house. Knowing we’d find him.” My volume increases, and I try to compose myself before continuing. “Dr. Miller, I loved my husband. We may not have had a perfect relationship or the typical family situation, but I cannot imagine, despite his pain, that he never considered the impact it’d have on us to find him like that. He could’ve done it somewhere else. Anywhere else.” The tears come a little heavier now.
“I’ll always have doubts about the people close to me now. Wondering what they’rereallythinking or feeling. If they give two flips about us or could abandon us without batting an eye.” I reach for another tissue. “I would’ve still grappled with the what-ifs, the confusion of why he did it, the pain of losing him, while raising my children alone. But this felt selfish. Almost intentionally cruel.”
The sniffles have turned to sobs, and I’m aware he’s giving me time to get myself together. “The feelings you express are entirely valid.”
“Thank you for acknowledging that. Yet, I still have tremendous guilt over feeling that way. I hate that he was suffering in silence. That he was in such pain he felt there was no other way out. But I’m just too angry at him for the way he did it to grieve any differently.”
“It sounds as if your mother has been a tremendous support system for you. Is your father not in the picture?”
I shake my head. I don’t know if I have the mental bandwidth to start that conversation today. This has all been more than I expected to feel. “He and my mom split when I was young. Once he remarried, he never looked back.”
Looking up, I find Dr. Miller rubbing that sharp jaw of his as if placing it in the memory banks for another time.Poor Jillian. The men in her life have made it very clear she wasn’t a priority.
“Is there a man in your life now?”
Here we go.“My brother.” I’m aware this isn’t where he’s going with this. What time is it? Shouldn’t this session be wrapping up? It has to have been an hour by now.
“It’s okay. I wouldn’t expect you to be ready to return to dating.”
Ugh. I’m supposed to be honest, right?I mean, that’s why I’m here. To heal enough to be able to have a healthy relationship. “I hadn’t considered returning to dating until recently. It was totally unexpected. We both fought getting into a relationship initially. He’s had some emotional trauma in his life as well. But we’re trying to take things slow.” Well, if you call practically playing house with my children, who think he walks on water, slow.
“I think that’s wise. Taking things one day at a time. Especially if he’s had emotional turmoil to deal with.”
“It’s part of the reason I made the appointment. I want to make sure I’m taking all of the steps to have a healthy relationship. But it’s scary.”
Dr. Miller stands. “It sounds as if you and your family are attempting to resume life as best you can and are managing quite well. I have to say, I’m impressed with how far you’ve come on your own. But, I’m glad you’ve reached out for help. Starting a new relationship will have challenges.” He comes around, leaning against the front of his desk. “The road to recovery can be a long process with a lot of unexpected twists and turns along the way. I’m happy to help you navigate this and hopefully provide some insight for you and the kids. In addition, I think we should develop some goals. We can address things that you continue to struggle with.”
“Like what?” I ask, feeling more optimistic than overwhelmed. I know what’s important to me, but I’m curious to see how closely his goals align with mine.
“There are some common struggles loss survivors contend with. I think we could start with containing the trauma and restoring a sense of psychological safety. We could work on triggers that may bring on flashbacks or reliving nightmares of that time.”
I sit up straighter in my chair, realizing this man is on to something.
“We should address any PTSD you and your daughter may be dealing with, examine any existential anxiety about the loss of security in your world, and work toward repairing your relationship with the deceased. So you can move forward with new relationships in a healthy way.”
I tilt my head in confusion. “I should work on my relationship with Dillon? Even if he’s not here anymore?”
“I think it’s important for you to make peace with the unfinished business between you. It will go a long way in dealing with any anger and resentment you feel. In my opinion, it’s a necessary task of healing after a suicide loss.”
Wow. I hadn’t considered that. This visit has truly been eye opening.
He shakes my hand and leads me to the door. “If you’re interested in moving forward, I’m here whenever you need me. We can take this as slowly as works for you and your family.”
