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After dinner, tonight is Laura and my night together to do an explorer date around the ship. So, good information to know, there’s an LGBTQ social every day on the cruise.Huh, the cruise company supports queer folk. It’s nice to feel accepted.
I’m disappointed when we show up, though. Laura and I are the youngest in the room by about two decades. And all of a sudden, I don’t really want to talk about being queer or poly or even bring up the subject. I just want to talk about anything and everything. With Laura. I gesture to her to keep walking, as I guide her to the bar. “Bloody Mary, please?” I chirp happily and hope they put in lots of extra onions and olives. It’s a cruise, for God’s sake, why limit yourself to a mere two olives? He senses this, I think, and pushes the olive dish over to my little paper napkin.
We finish our drinks and get another round. The waves are a bit bumpy and we’re a bit tipsy, so we don’t make the most graceful entrance - we more stumble - into an opera together, drinks in hand, and people watch. Laura was supposed to go back to her cabin tonight, but I don’t think she actually made it to her cabin the entire cruise.I wonder what the staff thought.
We make it back to our cabin to find David on the balcony enjoying the night again. Laura found this book about polyamorous relationships that she and I are reading together. So tonight’s entertainment is us reading aloud a bit to David. Part of the book described imagery around a tree, and all the pieces of it were different relationships. The ground, the roots, the branches, the breeze wafting through the leaves. I became his “ray of sunshine,” she his “breath of fresh air.” And he takes great joy in combining us together the rest of the night.
* * *
September 21, 4:00pm
My ankle is healing nicely,but I’m still using my scooter. I rather like the extra attention from the staff. I don’t need it, of course. I’m beyond pampered between the love and cuddles I got from both partner and girlfriend. I don’t mind, though. Vacations are supposed to spoil you. Especially birthday vacations, I think. We did go ashore and made it to a beach today. First time I had gone to one since the lifeguard tower incident. I suppose I can forgive beaches, it wasn’t their fault.
September 21 ,8:00pm
I think we’ve scared off the one couple. The cruise is only two more nights, but they appear to have decided to stick to room service for the remainder. I am a bit peeved to be judged, but instead I bring back the memory of last night snuggled deep in the arms of two people who weave the most wonderful aura of good feelings all around me.
Oh, well, more shrimp cocktail and lobster for me. They have lobster tonight, and I might order two. By the third night, I’m realizing I can order as much as I like, and nobody judges you. I think this might well be my favorite part of cruising. There are no prices on the menu, you can have whatever you want and as much of it as you like. I’m ordering shrimp cocktail every meal, because I can (plus there’s a cold shrimp cocktail bar in the buffet upstairs). And there’s only mild judgment if you order three entrees. I think you’re supposed to do it like that, because so far, all the portions have been quite small.
I think I might order a fourth entree. Truffle butter cremini mushroom risotto sounds yummy. I’ll still have room for the mango creme brûlée and dark chocolate mousse, I’m sure.
September 21, 10:00pm
OK, I may have overdone it on the dark chocolate mousse.We spent a quiet last night of the cruise in, reading, playing, enjoying the moon and each other’s company. I could have gotten online, but I didn’t even think of it. I was determined to disconnect entirely from everything but these two lovely people. Nothing but salt water, sand, and good food. Ugh, God I love all the food! I’ve ordered every single item that looked good and more. It was an absolutely marvelous evening.
* * *
September 22, 10:00am
We’re sailingback to real world today. As we enter the harbor, the ocean reminds me of a glinting aquamarine. Perfect breeze wafts over the deck. I’m enjoying my simple vanilla cone, as I lean out over the railing (though grounding myself quite firmly on one side, falling overboard is still a deathly fear of mine! I would probably manage to do it, too. Yay for having no sense of grace or balance.)
I’m going to miss the luxury of shrimp cocktail for every meal.Also, I’m going to have to actually do cook meals again and do dishes. Ugh. Could I just live on a cruise ship?
We got back from the trip, all suntanned and breezy. The night before we flew home, we had a hotel room with two beds. Laura and I lay one as David slept as if dead to the world on the other. Which, she remarked, is just as well. “You and he are like an old, married couple,” she teased. I guess we are. Only we’re not married. But that doesn’t bother me as much as I think it should. I guess he’s not leaving me anytime soon.
* * *
15
Kitten, Love, and Flowcharts
Acloser look at jealousy, by a very overly confident kitten
Jealousy happens. It’s normal, right? Of course, it is, why wouldn’t it be in a world where jealousy is taught to us from the earliest ages. When everything around us is a competition. When we’re taught, we need to be someone’s possession above all else, and they must be ours. I am his, and he is mine. A sentiment built into every moment of our lives.
We are fucking CONDITIONED to be jealous and fight amongst each other. We’re tossed a SINGLE bouquet of flowers as a good luck charm to be the NEXT lucky bride…and meanwhile, I’m back in the hotel suite fucking the maid of honor while the rest of the girls passive aggressively fight and claw each other in a mindless fight to claim the prize. (Okay, this never happened, but it’s literally my top fantasy now)
So, people wonder that I don’t get jealous. They claim I must get jealous.
I don’t. I do not feel jealous, not because I wouldn’t be hurt. Because I cannot even imagine any woman, man, or otherwise who could get between me and my partner.
If a person leaves me, I am happy for them. If they cheat, I am grateful someone else was willing to take out my trash. If they stay? Then I think they are lucky to have me. As they believe I am lucky to have them. And I believe we both are right.
I guess I’ve never really understood the concept of being jealous, because I don’t see my partners as “mine,” in the traditional sense. They are simply choosing to share their time, energy, even sometimes their lives with me– but in the end, we are all simply going about living our lives.
I feel about people interacting with “my” people romantically, the same way most feel when their partner chills out with a platonic friend or a family member. Or, in an unethical situation, the way others feel when their best friend’s boyfriend cheats on their best friend. Angry on their behalf, well, not angry, but like insulted? But not jealous, like if they were YOUR partner.
Don’t try to make me feel jealous. It won’t work. It’ll only irritate me, because it’ll feel like you’re playing games. And I hate playing stupid games.
